02q: Ray Romano / Zwan

A Message From Saddam Hussein

Saddam Hussein.....Horatio Sanz
Translator's Voice.....Maya Rudolph



Saddam Hussein: The following is an address from the President of Iraq, Saddam Hussein - who is not dead.

[ dissolve to Saddam Hussein sitting behind desk, as Iraqi text appears onscreen with the accompaniment of a Translator's voice ]

Translator's Voice: Good evening. Ah, it's good to be alive. Also, to be speaking to you live, rather than in the form of a videotape recorded some weeks ago, before the war started. Because that is not what this is. This is live. I don't need to address you on tape, because what would be the point? I'm not dead.

In that case, tonight I speak to you, the villianous people of Iraq, for two reasons. First, to congratulate you on your heroic resistance to the crusader forces of Britain and America. The war, I think you'll agree, is going pretty well for us, all things considered. Not perfect, but.. pretty well. Although, don't expect to read that in the Western press. I can only imagine the lies they are printing, right now, April 12th, 2003. I can only imagine it because I refuse to read the Western press, and not, by the way, because I've been dead for several weeks. Because I am not dead.

Which leads me to my second point. You may also read in the Western press, believe it or not, that I am dead. Well, could a dead man do this?

[ attempts to do a magic trick with a coin in his hand, but is unable to perform it without a hitch ]

Ayway, I did it earlier.. But that's not the point. If I were dead, I could hardly be appearing live on television, tonight, April 12th, 2003. Now, could I? Of course, the Western press will probably claim that this address is not actually live, but was pre-recorded weeks ago for broadcast in the event of my death. How do I answer such a ridiculous charge? First of all, I give you my word that this is live. Which ought to be good enough. But if you need more proof, let me direct your attention to this calender. [ holds up calender of the date April 12th ] I think that speaks for itself.

In closing, a final word to you, my beloved Iraqi people. In the days ahead, God willing, I hope to be able to resume my customary public appearances, to bolster your morale. And to reassure you, that I was not killed in the first days of the bombing, which I definitely was not. I am alive. But when you see me, should I appear a little odd, should I look different, or seem heavier, or even several inches shorter.. please understand, I am under a lot of pressure. It's not that you're actually seeing one of my doubles, on account of the fact that I was killed some weeks ago. Because, as I explained earlier, I'm not dead. I'm alive. I am speaking to you, "Live.."

Saddam Hussein: "Live! From New York! It's Saturday Night!"


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