02q: Ray Romano / Zwan

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

.....Jimmy Fallon
.....Tina Fey
.....Seth Meyers
Muhammad Said Al-Sahhaf.....Darrell Hammond

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is "Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey."

Jimmy Fallon: Hi, I'm Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I'm Tina Fey, and here are tonight's top stories.

Residents of Baghdad went on a looting rampage this week. The looting began after US troops entered the city and informed them of the Rodney King verdict.

In a video taped message to the people of Iraq, President Bush said your nation will soon be free. The government of Iraq, the future of your country will soon belong to you. When addressing the Iraqi's, the President spoke slowly and chose simple words because he always does.

Jimmy Fallon: US Soldiers have been given packs of 55 playing cards which feature pictures of leaders the Bush administration wants them to kill or capture. The cards include Saddam Hussein, Tarik Haziz, and Michael Moore.

Tina Fey: It is rumored that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez want to star in a remake of Casablanca. This will be the perfect film for people who liked the original but wished it was terrible.

Jimmy Fallon: Every year, we here at Saturday Night Live join the rest of America by holding our own NCAA basketball pool. Here's the winner of this year's SNL office pool…Seth Meyers.

Seth Meyers: Well hello! Hello Jimmy and Tina! Or should I say "hello losers!"

Jimmy Fallon: Congratulations Seth. You did a good job.

Seth Meyers: What's that Jimmy? I can't hear you all the way up here, at the top! Ah the sweet nectar of success. (licks his fingers)

Jimmy Fallon: Stop doing that.

Seth Meyers: Delicious!

Tina Fey: Seth, why do you have to act like this?

Seth Meyers: Well I'd like to tell you, Tina, but anyone stupid enough to think Kentucky was going to win the tournament, wouldn't understand! Duh, duh, duh…I'm Tina Fey. No one can beat Kentucky.

Jimmy Fallon: Come on, it's just a pool man.

Seth Meyers: What's that, I can't hear you, Fallon. The rustle of your ten dollar bill is deafening. Why look it's my old friend Alexander Hamilton. What's that, Alex? I'm a much better owner than Jimmy? Why thank you! And let me be the first to say that you are not only the first but the finest Secretary of the Treasurer of this or any other nation. Oh, and what shall I do with you, one-time ten dollar bill of Ms. Tina Fey? Perhaps we'll share two coffees and a scone at Starbucks, or, maybe we'll take a cab almost all the way back to my apartment. With money like this the options are endless. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Jimmy Fallon: You know there are only 15 of us. You do realize that you only won 150 dollars.

Seth Meyers: No I did not realize that. In my excitement I seemed to have shanked my math pretty badly and added a zero or three. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a plasma TV and a cheetah to un-buy. Good day to you!

Jimmy Fallon: Seth Meyers everybody!

Tina Fey: The annual White House Easter egg hunt is scheduled for next week. President Bush told reporters he still has no definitive knowledge where the eggs might be or if they are in fact, alive or dead. Regardless, the administration says it plans to spend $70 billion looking for the eggs, and then not find them.

Jimmy Fallon: According to sources inside Baghdad, the Iraqi military leader known as "Chemical Ali" is dead. No word on the status of his long-time rival, "Chemical Frasier."

According to the New York Department of Health, the most popular name for baby boys this year was Michael. The second most popular name? Colin Farrell Jr.

Tina Fey: Darryl Strawberry was released from a Florida prison Tuesday after serving 11 months for violating is probation on cocaine possession charges. (looks at watch) 3.. 2.. 1.. and he has been arrested again.

Details Magazine claims that since the 1940s, a secret list has been kept of which famous men have large penises. I'll tell you one celebrity you won't see on the Big Penis List, Mr...Jimmy.. (Jimmy punches Tina - no sound effect) I was going to say Carter! I was gonna say Jimmy Carter!

Jimmy Fallon: Oh sorry about that.

Tina Fey: God you're so paranoid. You must really have a small penis. (Jimmy punches Tina - again no sound effect)

Jimmy Fallon: Sorry about that. Yeah.

Tina Fey: In other news, coming up in just three days is April 15, the IRS deadline for filing your income taxes. Or, as Willie Nelson refers to it, Tuesday.

Jimmy Fallon: The new trend in fashion for women this summer is expected to be short shorts with some inseams being reduced to less than 2 inches. While men will mostly likely make a return to wearing the classic boner.

Tina Fey: Tonight for another perspective on the war, we're joined by the Iraqi Minster of Information. Are you there Mr. Sahhaf?

Muhammad Said Al-Sahhaf: (via satellite) Surrender Tina!

Tina Fey: Wha.. excuse me?

Muhammad Said Al-Sahhaf: I have come onto your program to announce that the Iraqi's have won the war.

Tina Fey: Minister, what are you talking about? The US has clearly won.

Muhammad Said Al-Sahhaf: Tina, you are delusional. Our armies have not only won, they have invaded America! Right now our Republican Guards are storming through Disney World, eating astro-burgers and going on all the rides! And get this, Tina, Iraq's victory is so overwhelming that all of your Houlihans are now Hussein-i-hans and all of your Cinnabuns are now Saddam-a-buns!

Tina Fey: Excuse me, Minister, aren't those American MP's?

Muhammad Said Al-Sahhaf: Yes, Tina. But they have come to surrender to me. I will now take them for questioning. Surrender, Tina Fey, surrender!

Tina Fey: Ok, Minister Muhammad Said Al-Sahhaf, everybody. He wants us to surrender.

Jimmy Fallon: When the New York City subways stop using tokens in May, it will signal the end of "token sucking," the practice of thieves putting their mouths on the turnstiles and sucking out a recently used token. For those who miss the sensation of putting your mouth on a subway turnstile, the MTA recommends making out with Mickey Rourke.

Tina Fey: That's a good joke there, Tiny Penis. (Jimmy punches Tina - sound effect works) See how funny it is when the sound effect works? Billy Taylor, everybody, on sound effects.

Sony has created a cuddly humanoid robot that performs a song and dance routine and can carry on simple conversations with humans. They have named it Wayne Brady. Yeah! I got you Wayne Brady!

Jimmy Fallon: Hey do you want to do the punching thing again?

Tina Fey: Yeah, do it one more time. (Jimmy punches Tina - sound effect works)

Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, I'm Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I'm Tina Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow!

Thanks to Natalie for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts