Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 19





02s: Adrien Brody / Sean Paul & Wayne Wonder

American Idol

Ryan Seacrest.....Jimmy Fallon
Kimberly Locke.....Rachel Dratch
Clay Aiken.....Chris Kattan
Ruben.....Tracy Morgan
Mya.....Maya Rudolph
Joshua Gracin.....Jeff Richards
Simon Cowell.....Chris Parnell
Paula Abdul.....Amy Poehler
Randy Jackson.....Dean Edwards

Ryan Seacrest: Welcome back to "American Idol", I'm super-sexy Ryan Seacrest! Before the break, we found out that Kimberly Locke lost to Clay Aiken on Round 2 tonight. But.. last night, Randy said, "Dog.. you sing like a dog, Dog. You did your dog thing." Paula said, "Your voice is like a rainbow, and you let your light shine." Simon said, "Your voice is more Broadway that pop, and you look like somehow Martin Short, Miss Jane Hathaway and Strawberry Shortcake all had a baby together." Did America agree? We'll find out, right after this message from Coca-Cola.

[ dissolve out to the Coca-Cola commercial starring Mya ]

Mya: Try to make it re-al, come back to Earth!

[ dissolve back to the "American Idol" set ]

Ryan Seacrest: We're back, live, on "American Idol"! I'm here with Clay Aiken and Kimberly Locke. One of them's going home tonight. The only one safe.. is Ruben. How you doin' over there, Ruben?

[ cut to the portly Ruben sitting off to the side. He makes a two-fingered gesture to his lips ]

[ cut back to Ryan Seacrest ]

Ryan Seacrest: How you feelin', Kimberly? Are you nervous?

Kimberly: No, 'cause.. I know I'm gonna lose!

Clay Aiken: [ consoling ] Don't say that, Kimberly.. it may very well be me.. [ looks to the camera and winks with a smile ]

Ryan Seacrest: I know who's going home? Should I tell you? Are you ready to find out? [ looks off-camera ] Ruben? Are you ready?

[ cut to the portly Ruben sitting off to the side. He makes a two-fingered gesture to his lips ]

[ cut back to Ryan Seacrest ]

Ryan Seacrest: America, are you ready to find out! [ audience cheers ] Huh? Are you ready! Then let's find our right n- after this commercial break! [ audience groans ]

[ dissolve out to the Coca-Cola commercial starring Mya ]

Mya: Try to make it re-al, come back to Earth!

[ dissolve back to the "American Idol" set ]

Ryan Seacrest: You're watching "American Idol"! If you just tuned in, I'm Botoxed heartthrob Ryan Seacrest! We're about to find out which of these two talented singers will be eliminated tonight. America voted.. but, first.. we've got a special videotaped message for you from last week's finalist - Joshua Gracin. Let's take a look!

[ dissolve to the videotape of Joshua dressed in camoflauge and standing in the Iraqi desert as gunfire can be heard volleying behind him ]

Joshua Gracin: Hey, I really miss you guys! I'm over here in Iraq now. People say the war's over here, but.. I'll tell you what - uh, some pretty screwed-up stuff is still going on. Uh.. I sure do miss y'all.. I even miss you, Simon.. [ gunfire shoots past ] Sonofabitch! Where is that coming from?! Uh... [ video image fades ]

[ cut back to Ryan Seacrest ]

Ryan Seacrest: Joshua Gracin. We miss you too, buddy! Ruben? Do you miss Josh?

[ cut to the portly Ruben sitting off to the side. He makes a two-fingered gesture to his lips ]

[ cut back to Ryan Seacrest ]

Ryan Seacrest: Reuben, are you ready?

[ cut to the portly Ruben sitting off to the side. He makes a two-fingered gesture to his lips ]

[ cut back to Ryan Seacrest ]

Ryan Seacrest: We'll have the results.. when we come back. [ audience groans ]

[ dissolve out to the Coca-Cola commercial starring Mya ]

Mya: Try to make it re-al, come back to Earth!

[ dissolve back to the "American Idol" set ]

Ryan Seacrest: Welcome back to "American Idol", I'm Ryan Seacrest! We'll be right back!

[ dissolve out to the Coca-Cola commercial starring Mya ]

Mya: Try to make it re-al, come back to Earth!

[ dissolve back to the "American Idol" set ]

Ryan Seacrest: This is the moment we've been waiting for! Right here. [ looks off-stage ] Paula.. who do you think should be voted off tonight?

Paula Abdul: Uh.. I don't think anyon should ever be voted off anything, ever!

Ryan Seacrest: Simon?

Simon Cowell: All I have to say is.. that I hate you, Ryan Seacrest.. and I hope you get SARS.

Ryan Seacrest: You hope I get SARS? You gonna give them to me, Simon? [ Simon ignores Ryan with contempt ] God, who peed in your corn flake? [ laughs smugly at his own amusement ] I did! [ laughs some more ] Randy?

Randy Jackson: Dog, Dog, Dog.. listen, Dog.. between these two dogs, Dog, my vote's gonna have to be-

Ryan Seacrest: [ interrupting ] Randy, Randy, Randy, hold that thought! We'll be right back!

[ dissolve out to the Coca-Cola commercial starring Mya ]

Mya: Try to make it re-al, come back to Earth!

[ dissolve back to the "American Idol" set ]

Ryan Seacrest: Welcome back to "American Idol"..

Kimberly: Can I just leave? Please? 'Cause I know it's gonna be me..

Clay Aiken: If she wants to go.. we should probably let her go. [ smiles confidently at the camera ]

Ryan Seacrest: Kimberly.. Clay.. you've been very patient. This is it! The votes have been tallied.. America has spoken. I'm gonna look down at the card.. and read the results. I will use my mouth to make sounds.. your ears will process these sounds as words.. and the meanings of these words will make it clear to you who has been eliminated.. on.. "American.. Idol". Kimberly.. you are.. live.. from New York.. we'll be right back!

[ dissolve out to the Coca-Cola commercial starring Mya ]

Mya: Try to make it.. "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!!"


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