Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 28: Episode 19

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02c: Sen. John McCain / The White Stripes

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

.....Jimmy Fallon
.....Tina Fey
Q*terplx.....Rachel Dratch
Elton John.....Horatio Sanz

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is "Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey."

Jimmy Fallon: I'm Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I'm Tina Fey, and here are tonight's top stories.

U.S. military personnel have located some 40,000 manuscripts missing from the Iraqi National Museum. Or, as President Bush likes to call them, "manuscripts of mass destruction."

Chinese peasants, who lack the medical knowledge and funds to fight SARS are lighting firecrackers to scare off the god of plague. Unfortunately, the firecrackers have only succeeded in scaring off the god of fingers.

Jimmy Fallon: On Monday, U.S. forces in Baghdad captured the Iraqi biological weapons scientist known as Mrs. Anthrax, though she prefers to go by her maiden name, Janet Death-Spore.

Gary Hart announced this week that he would not run for president in 2004, saying, "I have concluded that I do not have sufficient enthusiasms for the mechanical side of campaigning." After listening to the announcement, the mailman nodded awkwardly and slowly backed away.

Tina Fey: Police in Verona, Italy, have arrested a priest who regularly visited a brothel and hired hookers to dress up like nuns. A spokesman for the Vatican described the priest's behavior as progress.

Jimmy Fallon: New laboratory findings suggest that the SARS virus can survive for four days in watery diarrhea. So be careful of the watery diarrhea you have lying around. It could give you SARS.

Tina Fey: The movie X-Men 2 opened last week, introducing a host of new characters. Not everyone's happy, though, as some X-Men were left on the cutting room floor. Here with a comment is one mutant who didn't make the final cut, Q*terplx.

[Q*terplx enters, looking suspiciously like "Baby Eve."]

Tina Fey: So, Q*terplx, how do you feel about not being included in the new X-Men movie?

[Q*terplx spits all over.]

Tina Fey: Okay. Q*terplx, everybody!

Jimmy Fallon: In London this summer, Microsoft will introduce the iloo, the world's first public toilet with internet access. So go inside, log in, and log out.

According to a poll in Entertainment Weekly, the best video game of all time is "The Legend of Zelda," followed by "Tetris" and "Grand Theft Auto." The worst video game of all time? "Super Menendez Bros."

Tina Fey: Avid fans of the X-Men movie have already found more than 42 flaws in the new film. And yet, they can't see the flaws in their own lives.

Jimmy Fallon: More than 100 men and women gathered in San Francisco this past weekend to participate in the city's 2nd annual public Masturbate-A-Thon. Even though a lot of people showed up, I heard it was wack.

The old man on the mountain, a 40-foot tall granite rock formation in New Hampshire which resembles a human face collapsed over the weekend. So watch out Joan Rivers and Mary Tyler Moore, these things tend to happen in three's.

Tina Fey: Police and school officials in Northbrook, Illinois, are investigating a girl's touch football game called, "The Powderpuff Game," in which senior girls slapped, punched, and splattered the junior girls in the face with mud and feces. What happened to the good old days, when girls would just spread rumors that you were a lezzy?

It was reported that while in Louisville during the Kentucky Derby last weekend, Carson Daly spent nearly $1,000 on lap dances at a local strip club, which isn't really that much money, when you consider how expensive Chippendale's is. Hit the elevators, Carson.

Jimmy: [ad-libbing] Are we still doing this?

Elton John announced this week that he would be bringing a musical production of the Anne Rice's "Vampire Lestat" to Broadway this year. Here with an exclusive sneak preview of the work in progress, Elton John.

Elton John: Hello, Jimmy. You look good enough to eat.

Jimmy Fallon: Keep it cool, buddy. You got some songs you want to preview for us?

Elton John: Yes I do, Jimmy. This first one is a portion of the opening number entitled "Dawn's Lament." You can hear the pain and eroticism of vampires' existence.

Don't let the sun come up on me
'Cause I'm a Dracula
My reflection I can't see
I'm just a dude who likes sucking blood
So let me be, ohhhhhhhh
'Cause I look like an open-face tuna melt if you let the sun come up on me!

Jimmy Fallon: All right, that was a little clunky at the ending. Also, that song's just like "Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me."

Elton John: What do you want to do to me?

Jimmy Fallon: Stop it, dude.

Elton John: Fine, Jimmy. Wink. The next number comes late in the second act. It's called "Night Song, A Conversation."

Hey Frankenstein, how's it been going?
Heard you and your lady kinda went Splitsville
Sorry guy, relationships are pretty hard
Especially when you're made out of fourteen other dudes!
Come on man, let's have some brews
Catch up on the good old times!
F-f-f-f-f-f-f-Frankie and Lestat!

Jimmy Fallon: Frankie and Lestat?

Elton John: Yeah.

Jimmy Fallon: So the Frankenstein monster's in your musical?

Elton John: Of course, Jimmy. And Mummy, Wolfman, Chewbacca, Oscar the Grouch. It's a musical about monsters, Jimmy.

Jimmy Fallon: Wolfman's in there, too?

Elton John: Yes, Wolfman's in there.

Jimmy Fallon: You haven't read the book, have you?

Elton John: Jimmy, it may surprise you to hear that I have not.

[start laughing]

Elton John: All righty! This is part of the final number - [He begins to wave his hands around the piano as he's talking.]

Jimmy Fallon: You're not playing right now. You're not playing the piano.

Elton John: I put it on pause while I speak, pause. Okay, on again, okay! All right, this is part of the final number. I'm curtly calling it "Midnight Fantasia."

Jimmy Fallon: I can't imagine that this won't be good.

Elton John: [To the tune of "Tiny Dancer"]
Here comes Dracula
Suck your blood out
There's nowhere you can run
Even if you could now
It wouldn't matter
'Cause he can turn into a bat
Crazy Dracula
He loves his buddies
Wolfman and Zombie
Run like hell, you stupid bastards?
Run into a shed and lock it
Wolfman's gonna kick the door in
Zombie's gonna eat your brains!

Jimmy Fallon: This sucks hard.

Elton John: I'll tell you who sucks hard.

Jimmy Fallon: Get out of here!

Elton John: It's Dracula, Jimmy!

Jimmy Fallon: Get out of here!

Elton John: Dracula sucks hard!

Jimmy Fallon: Get out of here! Weekend Update, I'm Jimmy Fallon!

Tina Fey: I'm Tina Fey, good night!

Submitted by: Leadcrow90

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