Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 20


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


May 17th, 2003

Dan Aykroyd

Beyonce

None

Jim Belushi

Kip King

John Goodman

Jay-Z

Hardball
Summary: Chris Matthews (Darrell Hammond) mocks potential Democratic nominees.

Recurring Characters: Chris Matthews, Andrew Card, Al Sharpton.

Transcript


Montage


Dan Aykroyd's Monologue
Summary: Dan Aykroyd and Jim Belushi perform their rendition of "Time Won't Let Me."

Transcript


Top O' The Morning To You
Summary: William Fitzpatrick's (Seth Meyers) dad, Patrick Fitzpatrick (Dan Aykroyd), lets his other 22 kids run amok on the set.

Recurring Characters: Patrick Fitzwilliams, William Fitzpatrick.

Transcript


Rialto Grande
Summary: Buddy Mills (Chris Kattan) shows off his son, Jerome (Kip King), and reunites with comedian Donnie "The Finger" Gabisky (Dan Aykroyd).

Recurring Characters: Rodney "The Zipper" Calzoun, Buddy Mills, Mackey, cocktail waitresses.


The Falconer
Summary: Donald hangs out with a gang of bikers while Falconer Ken Mortimer (Will Forte) sinks in quicksand.

Transcript


TV Funhouse
Summary: In a Robert Smigel cartoon, Ben Affleck buys "Cokee, the Most Expensive Dog in the World" as a present for J-Lo.

Transcript


Donatella Versace Backyard Barbeque
Summary: Donatella Versace (Maya Rudolph) welcomes guests to her backyard barbecue.

Recurring Characters: Donatella Versace, Anna Nicole Smith, David Letterman.


Beyonce & Jay-Z performs "Crazy In Love"


Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey
Summary: Drunk Girl (Jeff Richards) gets a tan while laying across the Weekend Update desk. Chris Kattan performs a terrible re-eneactment of his recurring characters.

Recurring Characters: Drunk Girl.

Transcript


Astronaut Jones
Summary: Astronaut Jones (Tracy Morgan) and his Chief Science Officer (Dan Aykroyd) encounter a sexy alien (Maya Rudolph) on Venus.

Recurring Characters: Astronaut Jones.

Transcript


La Cuisina Canina
Summary: Dogs enjoy the ambience of a stylish restaurant.

Transcript


Beyonce performs "Dangerously In Love"


Dr. Deacon's Haunch Crack Powder
Summary: The trusted voice of Sam Elliot (Dan Aykroyd) makes even butt powder desirable.

Transcript


Goodnights
Transcript








Dress Rehearsal Cuts

106 & Park Top 10 Live
Summary: Tiny rapper Baby K (Jeff Richards) tells A.J. (Dean Edwards) his upcoming duet with Christina Aguilera (Maya Rudolph).

Recurring Characters: A.J., Baby K, Christina Aguilera.


The Leather Man
Recurring Characters: The Leather Man, Choo Choo.


Fred Garvin Male Prostitute


My Big Thick Novel


Summer's Greetings From Saturday Night Live
Summary: One final version of the happy Christmas ditty performed by Horatio Sanz, Jimmy Fallon, Chris Kattan, and Tracy Morgan.



SNL Transcripts