Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 20





02t: Dan Aykroyd / Beyonce



La Cuisina Canina

Maitre'D.....Dan Aykroyd
Skippy.....Jeff Richards
Daisy.....Rachel Dratch
Bartender.....Chris Kattan
Waiter.....Chris Parnell
King.....Darrell Hammond
King's Date.....Maya Rudolph
Yorkie.....Amy Poehler
Buddy.....Dean Edwards
Big Dog.....John Goodman
Male Dog.....Seth Meyers
Bitch.....Tina Fey

[ open on exterior, La Cusina Canina ]

[ dissolve to interior, elegant restaurant decorated with the canine taste in mind; the patrons and staff are dressed as dogs ]

Maitre'D: Good evening. Welcome to La Cusina Canina, New York's premier doggie restaurant. Do you have a reservation?

Skippy: Uh, yes.. Daisy & Skippy, for eight o'clock.

Maitre'D: Ah, yes! I'm afraid that your table will not be ready for a few minutes. Would you care to sit at the bar?

Daisy: Hmm.. alright, I guess we're a little early!

Maitre'D: Fluffy! A complimentary water!

Bartender: Right away, Monsieur Butch!

Daisy: [ spins three times before taking her seat at the bar ] This is a nice place!

Skippy: Yeah!

Bartender: [ places glass on the bar ] There you are. One ice-cold toilet bowl water.

[ the three of them begin to lap up the toilet bowl water from the glass ]

[ cut to table at the other end of the restaurant ]

Waiter: Good evening. I'm your waiter - Tippy. Are you ready to order?

King: I am. But the bitches don't know what they want.

King's Date: Well, it's just that everything looks so good! You go ahead and order first, King!

King: Alright. How is this appetizer? This, uh.. this Lawn Grass with Deer Pellets?

Maitre'D: Oh! I recomend it! The pellets are fresh and chewy! And Chef Otis personally urinates on all of the grass he serves!

King: Okay, that's great. Okay, I'm gonna start with that, and then I'm gonna have the Tire-Stripped Possum with Blowflies.

Waiter: Excellent choice. And, Madam?

King's Date: Yeah, gee.. uh.. uh.. I'm trying to lose some weight.. so, I-I'll just have two cups of Science Diet..

King: Oh, come on, honey! It's the best restaurant in the city. You oughtta try something.

King's Date: Honey, I'm saving room for the coffee grinds with shrimp and eggshells for dessert.

Waiter: And, Miss Yorkie?

Yorkie: What's in the Cat Vomit?

Waiter: Ohh.. it's a partially-digested vole with dustmite-laden hairball - it's very popular.

Maitre'D: And a Fancy Feast Tuna-Base, in its own aspic glaze.

Yorkie: Mmmm..! I'll have that!

Maitre'D: And what can I get for you, Monsieur Buddy?

Buddy: Yes, uh.. how's the Rotting Fish?

Waiter: Hmm.. here - smell. [ extends his arms ] I rolled in it this morning.

[ everyone at the table sniffs the Waiter ferociously ]

Buddy: [ excited ] Yes, yes! That's the real thing, all right! Bring me of two of those!

Waiter: Very good. [ retreats from table ]

[ at the front of the restaurant, the popular Big Dog enters ]

Maitre'D: Ah. Bonsoir, Big Dog! Always a pleasure to see you! Your regular table is waiting!

Big Dog: Goooooood! Good! [ sits at his table ]

Maitre'D: And what will be your pleasure tonight?

Big Dog: Buuuuuutch! I think I'll start off with an aperitif!

Maitre'D: Pepe! Big Dog will have his usual!

Big Dog: Any specials you want to tell me about?

Maitre'D: Oh! Yes. We have a sumptious Melon-Rind Compost.. with Cockworm-Flaked Bacon Grease.. served on an Old Sneaker and a half-side of Tennis Ball. I had it myself, I'm sure you will enjoy it.

Big Dog: Okay, Butch! On your advise!

Maitre'D: And to start! A basket.. of.. waterlogged sticks from a creek upstate!

Big Dog: [ sniffing his plate ] Thank you!

[ a male-female dog couple enters, and Big Dog is attracted to the scent of the bitch ]

Big Dog: Ahhhh.. [ raises his leg and begins to hump the bitch's backside ]

Male Dog: Excuse me! But the lady came with me!

[ the two dogs began to growl and bark at one another, starting an upset throughout the restaurant as the dogs join the chorus; Big Dog quickly retreats back to his table, and the barking ceases ]

Bartender: And your Bitch's Piss Martini.

Big Dog: Thank you. May I have an olive with that?

[ Bartender tosses the olvie directly into Big Dog's mouth ]

Maitre'D: En-joyyyy. [ as the other patrons' bowls of food are distributed ] Bon appetit, everyone!

[ to pass the time while still waiting for their table, Skippy and Daisy proceed to chase each other in a circle, sniffing at each other's butt ]

Maitre'D: I'm sorry! Excuse me, please! But because of the new butt-sniffing ban, I'll have to ask you to do that outside!

Skippy: You can't sniff a butt in a bar any more?! God, this is absurd!

Daisy: Ridiciulous!

[ they exit outside, as the scene closes ]


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