Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 20












02t: Dan Aykroyd / Beyonce



Dr. Deacon's Haunch Crack Powder

Dan Aykroyd.....Sam Elliott
Tom Davis.....Announcer

INT. BARN -- DAY

[ Bales of hay adorn the foreground. Actor SAM ELLIOTT, dressed in denim & a black tee, ENTERS. ]

Sam Elliott: Hi! Iím actor Sam Elliott! Youíve seen me on television and in the movies, but most likely, you recognize my voice from numerous commercial advertisements. Ad surveys have shown that when consumers hear my voice -- in association with a service or product -- theyíll buy most anything. Heck, I could probably get you dive headfirst into a mail sack full of needles! Or suck iron filings off the floor of a machine shop, and wash them down with a quart of used motor oil. Or chew the lining off the bottom of a parrot cage.

Sometimes when I believe strongly in a product, Iíll actually go on-camera to tell you about it. Thatís why Iím here -- now -- to talk about Dr. Deaconís Haunch Crack Powder.

[ Sam holds up a bottle of Dr. Deaconís Haunch Crack Powder. ]

Sam Elliott: As a rancher, I know how hot and humid weather can make riding, cutting weeds, and other chores prickly and uncomfortable in those hard-to-scratch seams and creases. Well, since 1879, Dr. Deaconís Haunch Crack Powder has eased the posterior crevice itch associated with farm labor, and brought lasting relief to millions of men living the Western lifestyle. Itís simple to apply.

[ Sam turns to his side and opens the bottle. He then bends over slightly and dumps a ton of powder down his backside. ]

Sam Elliott: Mm mm! Oh-hh-hh!!! That feels good!

[ Sam settles the bottle down. ]

Sam Elliott: And cool!!! Thatís Ďcause itís medicated -- takes care of the chaffing and dries up things right away. It forms an easy-to-remove scented paste coil.

[ Sam pulls out a foot-long, braided white coil, which derived from the powder. He sniffs it, tosses it, then holds up the bottle. ]

Sam Elliott: Try Dr. Deaconís Haunch Crack Powder now, and get a free box of Dr. Deaconís Ball Seam Sweat Absorber Pads.

[ Sam holds up a box of Dr. Deaconís Ball Seam Sweat Absorber Pads. He removes out a teabag-sized absorber pad. ]

Sam Elliott: Theyíre in a handy travel pack and reusable!

[ Sam puts the absorber pad in his left breast pocket. ]

Sam Elliott: Ah! Now Iím itch-free! Time to go back to workÖ

[ Sam winks at the camera and grabs a pitchfork. ]

[ TITLE CARD ]

Announcer: Dr. Deaconís Haunch Crack Powder & Ball Seam Sweat Absorber Pads: Available now everywhere.

[ fade ]


Submitted by: Cody Downs


SNL Transcripts




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