Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 20





02t: Dan Aykroyd / Beyonce



Top O' The Morning To You

Patrick Fitzwilliams.....Jimmy Fallon
William Fitzpatrick.....Seth Meyers
Patrick Fitzpatrick.....Dan Aykroyd

Announcer: You're watching RTE - Ireland's other television network. It's 9:30 a.m., and next up - it's "Top O' The Morning'", with your hosts Patrick Fitzwilliam and William Fitzpatrick.

[ dissolve to barroom set, Patrick and William perched on their bar stools ]

Patrick Fitzwilliams: It's 9:30 a.m. - welcome to "Top O' The Mornin'"! I'm Patrick Fitzwilliam!

William Fitzwatrick: And I'm William Fitzpatrick!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: And we've heard the jokes - so save it!

William Fitzpatrick: Save it!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Save it!

William Fitzpatrick: Save it!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Go to your Toolbar, click on File, drag down the Menu, and save it!

William Fitzpatrick: Today's show is brought to you by Colin Farrell's Anti-Bacterial Cream.

Patrick Fitzwilliam: You put it on when you can't remember where you put it last night.

William Fitzpatrick: That's Colin Farrell! The #1 name in anti-bacterial genital creams.

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Say, William.. how did you get that black eye there?

William Fitzpatrick: Ah. It's funny you should ask. Last night, you punched me in the eye.

Patrick Fitzwilliam: No, you didn't.

William Fitzpatrick: Aye. I remember it well. We were doing shots of Tequila..

[ screen dissolves to the night before, the two boys holding filled shot glasses ]

Together: [ toasting their shot glasses ] Cheers!

[ they each take a sip, then Patrick punches William in the eye ]

[ dissolve back to Patrick and William on the live show ]

William Fitzpatrick: That's not how I remember it at all. As I recall, it was a different scene altogether..

[ screen dissolves to the night before, the two boys holding filled shot glasses ]

Together: [ toasting their shot glasses ] Cheers!

[ they each take a sip, then Patrick punches William in the eye ]

[ dissolve back to Patrick and William on the live show ]

Patrick Fitzwilliam: See? It wasn't Tequila, it was Jaeger.

William Fitzpatrick: It was Jaeger!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: It was!

William Fitzpatrick: I'm very sorry. You know what? I clearly owe you an apology.

Patrick Fitzwilliam: I forgive you.

William Fitzpatrick: How about a shot, then?

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Two Jaegers.

Together: [ toasting their shot glasses ] Cheers! [ they chug ]

William Fitzpatrick: Alright. Our first guest is someone very close to my heart. Please welcome me dad - Patrick Fitzpatrick!

[ Williams dad steps out, escprting his other young children out across the set ]

Patrick Fitzpatrick: How are ya', lads? You remember the children - Shawn, Molly, Patrick, Chevon, Shannon, Finnigan.. another Shawn, Brendan, Roland, Colleen, Mary, Mary Pat, Mary Kate, Kay, Pat, Kate and Allie, Hannah, Carrey, Clair and all the rest of them!

William Fitzpatrick: What are you thinking, Dad? Why did you have to being out all of the kids?

Patrick Fitzpatrick: Well, William, I was covering for your mother. She went up to Kilkenny for the St. George's Sodabread Bake-Off. [ yelling off-camera ] Erin! Get off the cigarette machine! Don't let me tell you twice!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: William, I thought I told you - I hate it when you bring your family over. It's like you're related to Darby O'Gill and the Little People.

William Fitzpatrick: Well, excuse me, Patrick.. but I'm under a little bit of pressure being the oldest of 23! Don't get me wrong - I'd love to stroll through life with only 14 brothers and sisters like yourself.. but I haven't been quite so blessed.

Patrick Fitzwilliam: It is true that Mr. Fitzpatrick has the most powerful and accurate seed.

Patrick Fitzpatrick: [ honored ] That's right! You got it right - I hot what I aim for! [ looks off-screen ] Aiden! Lorken! Loxen! Liam! Get over there with Conan, Shawna, Shadea, Claren, Owen! [ grabs one of the kids carrying a beer as he runs past ] Ah-ah! Joseph.. what did we say? Not until you're thirteen. [ to Patrick and William ] He knows his whiskey, though.

Patrick Fitzwilliam: William, if you don't do something, I'm gonna lose it.

William Fitzpatrick: Don't worry, Patrick. I happen to have a jar full of Irish children's favorite sweets. Hey, kids! Who wants a hard-boiled egg! I've got boiled eggs for everyone! [ the kids gather round for some candy ]

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Let me have one! [ grabs an egg ] Now, Mr. Fitzpatrick.. now, William tells me that you're- [ attempts to crack egg open, but gets splashed by its contents ]

Patrick Fitzpatrick: Ohhhh, I have!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: [ wiping broken egg off his shirt ] You forgot to boil the eggs, didn't you?

William Fitzpatrick: [ embarrassed ] Yes, now.. it seems to appear that I have forgotten to.. boil the eggs. Yeah. I suppose you'll be wanting to go over to the Punching Wall.

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Yeah.

[ they walk over to the Punching Wall ]

Patrick Fitzwilliam: You know what? Maybe I don't need to punch the wall, you know? The walk really cooled me down a bit.. [ the kids begin to throw the eggs at Patrick ] Stinkin' brats! [ punches a huge hole in the wall, revealing one of William's younger siblings back there ]

Patrick Fitzpatrick: Fiona, there you are. My apologies. This one likes to get into walls.. Ahhh, they're adorable, aren't they? But.. you know..

William Fitzpatrick: [ wiping at his dad's face ] You've got some egg on your face..

Patrick Fitzpatrick: It won't be the first time!

William Fitzpatrick: It looks good on you, you wear it well.

Patrick Fitzpatrick: Yeah, I do.. [ wraps his arm around William ] You never forget your first child..

William Fitzpatrick: Oh, boy..

Patrick Fitzpatrick: [ with a tear in his eye ] And you will always be.. my baby boy, William.

William Fitzpatrick: [ panicking ] Please, Dad! Not here!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Not now! Not now!

Patrick Fitzpatrick: Not.. here, in this place.

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Not now, at this time.

William Fitzpatrick: Pull yourself together!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Not here, not now!

William Fitzpatrick: You've got to pull yourself together!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Let's have a shot, then!

Patrick Fitzpatrick: Right on!

William Fitzpatrick: [ quickly pours the shots ] There you are! Cheers, everyone!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Cheers!

Patrick Fitzpatrick: Cheers!

[ they chug their shots quickly ]

Patrick Fitzpatrick: Ahhhh, that'll make it right.. [ another noise from the kids is heard off-screen ] Cara! Ann! No throwing your sister! And this time, I mean it! Megan! Go sit with Julio!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: [ confused ] Julio?

William Fitzpatrick: We, uh.. we ran out of Irish names.

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Oh. [ Irish music pots up ] Well, that's all the time we have! I'm Patrick Fitzwilliam!

William Fitzpatrick: And I'm William Fitzpatrick!

Patrick Fitzpatrick: And I am Patrick Fitzpatrick!

All Three: TOP O' THE MORNIN' TO YA!!

[ fade ]


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