Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 20











02t: Dan Aykroyd / Beyonce



Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

.....Jimmy Fallon
.....Tina Fey
Drunk Girl.....Jeff Richards
......Chris Kattan

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is "Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey."

Tina Fey: I'm Tina Fey.

Jimmy Fallon: And I'm Jimmy Fallon. Here are tonight's top stories.

Today Show anchor Matt Lauer, who switched place with a New York City cabdriver last week, is now being sent to do a show from the north Korean border. In related news, it's finally dawning on Lauer that somebody at The Today Show hates him.

This week, 60-year-old church worker Mimi Fahnestock revealed that she had an affair with President Kennedy when she was a 19-year-old White House intern. In a less-publicized story, 51-year-old church worker Margaret Wallinback revealed that she used to masturbate to thoughts of Richard Nixon.

Fahnestock said that she finally went public with her Kennedy story because "It's a gift that my daughters know this is a piece of my history, adding, "I hope it inspires them to do great men."

Carol Channing, the 82-year-old actress best known for her role in "Hello Dolly", married her 83-year-old childhood sweetheart. The wedding was reportedly tasteful and classy, and the honeymoon was disgusting.

"American Idol" is now down to its final two contestants, Ruben Studdard and Clay Aiken, in what is sure to be the ultimate battle of the sexes.

[ image of New York Times behind Tina's head ]

Tina Fey: "Hi! I'd like to start getting home delivery of the Sunday New york Times. I like the fabricated interviews; he goes straight for the plagierized articles."

This week, the New York Times made public the details of disgraced reporter Jayson Blair, who was found to have made up or plagierized dozens of articles for the venrable paper. The Times finally caught Blair in a lie during the war in Iraq, when he claimed to be embedded in Ashleigh Banfield.

Rival paper The New York Post has seized the opportunity to criticize The Times over the scandal. One article in The Post went so far as to say: "Them snobs ain't so klassy now, our they?"

[ from out of nowhere, Cyndi Lauper's "Giels Just Want To Have Fun" can be heard moving closer ]

Jimmy Fallon: What? Where's that music coming from?

Tina Fey: I don't know..

[ Drunk Girl, wearing a skimpy bikini and carrying a boombox appears at the desk ]

Tina Fey: Drunk Girl..

Drunk Girl: What are you guys doing in my tanning bed? I only paid for ten minutes, so.. boot SCOOT it! [ climbs on top the desk and stretches out ]

Jimmy Fallon: Drunk Girl, you need to shave, man..

Drunk Girl: Keep your eyes off my tasties, Jim-my Fall-on.

Jimmy Fallon: It's like a car wreck - I can't help it!

Drunk Girl: Shuttup! [ a beat ] I can't wait for the party after the show.. Do you wanna know what I'm gonna do at the SNL after-party?

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah.

Drunk Girl: Do you wanna know what I'm gonna do?

Jimmy Fallon: No.

Drunk Girl: D'you knowww what'm gonn'do?

Jimmy Fallon: No, no..

Drunk Girl: D'younnnnow'gonndo..?

Jimmy Fallon: No.

Drunk Girl: Do you know-o?

Jimmy Fallon: No!

Drunk Girl: [ squealing ] I'm gonna make out with Don Pardo! 'Cause he's a fath-er fig-ure!

Jimmy Fallon: Get out, will'ya? Get out of here?

Drunk Girl: What? [ turns her back to the audience, and proceeds to remove her top while facing Jimmy ]

Jimmy Fallon: No.. please don't do this.. That's actually gross..

Drunk Girl: One day.. one day I'm gonna use these to feed our baby!

Tina Fey: Drunk Girl, everybody.

[ Drunk Girl climbs down from the desk and meanders her way out into the audience ]

Plans are in the works to transform the Meadowlands in Hackensack, New Jersey into an ecological preserve that would be ten times the size of Central Park. This will finally give guidos a chance to run free in their natural habitat.

ABC announced this week that John Stossel will join Barbara Walters as co-host of the news magazine show "20/20", while Hugh Downs will simply be rolled three feet to the left and never told.

A lizard head found May 2nd by a customer in a carry-out salad in a Sante Few Applebee's Restaurant, has tested negative for salmenella. So come to Applebee's, where the lizard heads in the salads are always salmanella-free!

Tina Fey: The Flight Club, a strip club in Detroit, plans to charter jets to Las Vegas for its customers, complete with 20 dancers and scantily-clad flight attendants.

Jimmy Fallon: What's the first rule of Flight Club, Tina?

Tina Fey: Oh, no.. am I about to get punched..?

Jimmy Fallon: There is no Flight Club! [ punches Tina in the face ]

Tina Fey: Ow! I always forget that!

NBC is reportedly trying to get Heather locklear to join the cast of "Good Morning, Miami". But, so far, she's been kicking too hard for them to get her in the van.

USA Today reports that counterfeiters have successfully slipped mislabeled and even fake drugs into U.S. pharmacies. This has led the FDA to remind patients that their heart pills should not have a peanut in the middle.

Congratulations to Oklahoma State University’s oldest graduate this Spring. 62-year-old Steven Baker Little, former alcoholic homeless man, who has earned a degree in English. Ironically, in today’s job market, an English degree best qualifies a person to become an alcoholic homeless man.

The 43-year old son of Louis Farrakhan was arrested after a hit-and-run incident in Indiana, while driving his Humvee. It's a good thing police got his license plate number, because, without it, the only thing they had to go on was a black man in a bow tie driving a yellow Humvee through Indiana.

Jimmy Fallon: It's a bittersweet week for us here at "Saturday Night Live", as Chris Kattan is performing on his final show after a fantastic 7-year career

Tina Fey: Here now, with a terrible re-enactment of that career, is our own Chris Kattan!

[ Chris Kattan appears ]

Chris Kattan: Thank you, Jimmy.. Tina. Let's begin.

[ Haddaway's "What Is love?" pots up, with the SUPER: "A Roxbury Guy" ]

Chris Kattan: [ bopping his head and pointing from himself to the camera ] Me, him? Him, me? Me, him?

[ music stops, Kattan reaches down for his Goth wig and puts it on his head; SUPER: "Azrael Abyss" ]

Chris Kattan: My name's Azrael Abyss! and I'm the Prince of Sorrow!

[ Kattan removes the wig and grabs an appple; SUPER: "Mr. Peepers" ]

Chris Kattan: Bak! Bak! [ chews apple rapidly and spits it to the floor ]

[ SUPER: "Antonio Banderas" ]

Chris Kattan: But I must! [ mimes unbuttoning his shirt to sexy guitar music ]

[ Kattan puts on a pair of glasses; SUPER: "Suel Forrestor: The Gibberish Guy" ]

Chris Kattan: [ mumbles incoherently ]

[ Britney Spears' "Oops.. I Did It Again" pots up, as Chris Parnell stands at Kattan's left; SUPER: "DeMarco Brothers" ]

Chris Kattan: [ mimes holding his nose to recover from a fart ]

[ Parnell exits; "SUPER: "Al Pacino" ]

Chris Kattan: Hoo-ahh!

[ SUPER: "The Crocodile Hunter" ]

Chris Kattan: It's the hoiloight of mah loife!

[ SUPER: "Mary Katherine Gallagher" ]

Chris Kattan: [ holds his arms up in the air ] Superstar!! [ shakes his head ] Sorry.. that's not mine..

[ SUPER: "David Gest" ]

Chris Kattan: Uh.. Li-za..

[ SUPER: "Gay Hitler" ]

Chris Kattan: [ holds fingers under the nose to represent a moustache ] Sprechen sie dick!

[ SUPER: "And fonally, for the last time, ladies and gentlemen" ]

Chris Kattan: [ puts on Mango cap and tears off his clothes to reveal Mango costume underneath ] No! You CAN'T have-a da Mango!

[ Queen's "We Are The Champions" pots up ]

Jimmy Fallon: Thanks, Chris Kattan!

With "Weekend Update", I'm Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.


SNL Transcripts