Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 1

03a: Jack Black / John Mayer

Californians For Schwarzenegger ..written by: Jim Downey

Arnold Schwarzenegger.....Darrell Hammond

[ open on title card ]

Announcer: The following is a paid political announcement by Californians For Schwarzenegger.

[ dissolve to Arnold Schwarzenegger sitting on a mock home library set ]

Arnold Schwarzenegger: Good evening. This Tuesday, the people of California.. will go to the polls.. to make an important decision. Whether they will continue.. with the fair policies.. of Gray [ sounding like "Craig" when he says it ] Davis.. in the special interest in Sacramento.. or take back our state.. by electing me the governor. And, let me tell you something - Gray Davis is scared! We know this.. because he's starting.. with a negative campaign.. saying that I'm not ready for this job.. and all of these things.. that I have no specific proposals to get California.. of the mess that we are in! This is not so! It's not! I have made an exhaustive study.. of the five most serious issues.. facing California. And tonight, I'm here to present the detail.. my five-point program.. for dealing with them!

Number One: The Economy.

[ for clarification, SUPER: "The Economy" ]

Under Gray Davis, we see it all the time, taxes go up, up, up.. and jobs go away, away, away. To Nevada.. and Arizona.. and all of those places. But I will stop this! How? Specifically.. [ for clarification, his text now appears as a SUPER ] by keeping jobs in California.. and creating new jobs. Good jobs! Where people come to the place.. and work with the employer.. and he gives them the money for doing these things!

Second: Education.

[ for clarification, SUPER: "Education" ]

After the ecomony.. the children and the education is, to me, the most important thing. So, what will I do to fix education? Specifically.. [ for clarification, his text now appears as a SUPER ] I will support the schools.. with the reading and the writing, and the adding together.. the adding together of the numbers and the geography, and all of these things. Because the children of California are the future.. and so on.

Third: There is the issue of Crime.

[ for clarification, SUPER: "Crime" ]

Specifically.. [ for clarification, his text now appears as a SUPER ] I am against the criminals! With the murder and the robbery and the arsons-for-hire impersonating of police officers, and things of this nature. I am against these things!

Fourth: The Environment.

[ for clarification, SUPER: "Environment" ]

It is all very well for me to have a detailed program on jobs.. and education.. and crime.. and this and that! But if we do not pass along a clean environment for children.. and grandchildren.. it is all for nothing! And then, like Gray Davis, I have a plan.. for the environment. Specifically.. [ for clarification, his text now appears as a SUPER ] I will help safeguard the environment.. with positive ID's for protecting it.. and helpful proposals for making better the quality of our air, and the water, and all of that! Also, I will support the digging up of good ideas by others.

Fifth - and last: we must remember that, despite our differences.. and the bitterness of this campaign.. and all of these things.. we are all Californians. And that is why we must come together.. as one California. That is why we must celebrate our diversity.. that is the thing.. and that is why I am for the affirmative action.. and the rights for the Latinos and the Asians and the Native Americans and the scientoligists, and all of that. And also for the gays, with the men having sex with other men.. and the lesbians with each other.. and the putting of the gerbils and the hamsters, and so on, into the bottom.. and things of this nature! All this, I support.

So, there you have it. My five-point plan.. for California. And, remember.. when you go to the polls this Tuesday.. you're not just voting for Governor.. oyu're alo voting for our future.. and things of that nature.

And, one more thing.. "Live, from New York.. and all of that.. it's Saturday Night!"

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