Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 1

03a: Jack Black / John Mayer


Written by: Erik Kenward, Dennis McNicholas, Jeff Richmond

Head Telemarketer.....Jack Black
Female Telemarketer.....Amy Poehler
Male Telemarketer.....Chris Parnell
Black Telemarketer.....Kenan Thompson
Male Telemarketer #2.....Will Forte

[ open on exterior, office building ]

[ SUPER: "Excellacom Telemarketing, LLP - Sometime in the not too distant future" ]

[ dissolve to interior, telemarketers sitting behind computers in cramped quarters ]

Head Telemarketer: [ on phone ] -- if you just stay with me. Yeah. If you want to go with a six-month plan, I can give you five dollars a week, and that -- okay. Sorry. [ hangs up ] Well.. ah, that's it, guys.

Female Telemarketer: Oh. you mean..?

Head Telemarketer: Yeah. Thanks to Congress, that was the end of an era. The last telemarketing call ever. We've got to accept the fact that, thanks to this new No Call bill, we telemarketers are now a part of this great nation's history..

[ sentimental music pots up ]

Gone the way of so many wonderful things: the wide-open plains.. nickel hot dogs..

Male Telemarketer: Double headers at Ebbett's Field.

Black Telemarketer: The majestic buffalo!

Head Telemarketer: Yes.. and racially-segregated drinking fountains.. I know, it's sad, friends. What we had was something special! Yet fleeting, like the tender cherry blossom. And no one can take that away from us.

[ singing ]

"The dream is over
Our ti-ime is gone.
We were like shooting stars
But now our day is gone.

Look at this condo and winter vaca-ation
Interested in.. some debt consolidation?
Are you happy with your long-distance service?
This leathery palm was.. a touch-tone dervish.

I could sell ice cubes to Eskimos, when I was in the zone
Subscribe now and get a Sports Illustrated
San Diego Chargers football-shaped pho-o-o-o-ne!"

But now that's all passed.. and so am I. The noble telemarketer.

[ singing ]

"I was the King of the Phone
Life's Number One guy!
Calling shut-ins 'round five
Yeah, I sell MCIIIIIIIIII!!"

All: "America, let us call you!"

Head Telemarketer: "We were part of your lives, you can't throw us away!"

All: "America, let us call you!"

Male Telemarketer #2: With my co-caine addiction, it's the only job I can do-o-o-o-o-o!!!

Head Telemarketer: Hey! Everyone, let's cool it with the chick music! My axe got something to say about this!

[ jumps onto the desk and wails on his guitar ]

Now, listen. We were - nay - we are.. telemarketers, America. You might not think so now, but you're gonna miss us when we're gone. Every night for the rest of your life, you'll have to fill those awkward silences at the dinner table, prayimg for the phone to ring. But it won't! Your every dinner hour from now 'til the end of time will be silent as a tomb. And, guess what? Next time you want to take a 90-minute orientation tour of a new condo complex, you'll have to call us! Yeah! It stings, don't it?! Come on, everybody!

[ singing ]

All: "America, let us call you!"

Head Telemarketer: "Unemployment's at an all-time high!!"

All: "America, let us call you!"

Head Telemarketer: Where ya' gonna go for unwanted solicitation - on the internet?! [ laughing ] It's not gonna happen!

All: "Don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone"

Head Telemarketer: "They paved paradise
And enacted a Don't Call laaaaaawwww!!"

[ fade out ]

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