Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 1




03a: Jack Black / John Mayer

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

.....Jimmy Fallon
.....Tina Fey
Rush Limbaugh.....Jeff richards
.....Finesse Mitchell
Wanda Sykes.....Maya Rudolph
Bill Cosby.....Kenan Thompson

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it's "Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey."

Tina Fey: Hi, I'm Tina Fey.

Jimmy Fallon: I'm Jimmy Fallon. And here are tonight's top stories.

Earlier in the week, Arnold Schwarzenegger outlined his plan for the first hundred days of his administration. Actually, it's only a plan for the first twenty days, but he's gonna do five reps.

Schwarzenegger also acknowledged in a Los Angeles Times article, documenting his groping of women on movie sets, saying that, although some information was inaccurate, "Whenever there is smoke, there is fire." Adding.. [ in Scwarzenegger voice ] "And whenever there's fire, I am squeezing titties! I love to squeeze titties!"

Tina Fey: Democratic presidential candidate Wesley Clarke has started giving out Clark bars as souveniers at his rallies. not to be outdone, candidate Al Sharpton continues to eat - and be - Nutrageous.

Jimmy Fallon: America Online launched a new service this week called AOL Latino, aimed at Spanish - speaking households. AOL Latino is just like regular AOL, except when you log on, it's says.. [ in Spanish voice ] "You got mail, poppy!"

Tina Fey: Rush Limbaugh resigned from his job on ESPN's Sunday NFL Countdown, after racially-charged remarks about Philadelphia Eagle quarterback Donovan McNabb, saying that McNabb is given too much credit for his performance because he is black. Finally, someone has the guts to say what the liberal media doesn't want you to know: Black people are not good at sports!

Jimmy Fallon: Well, this is a tough week for Rush Limbaugh. He's also under investigation for allegedly purchasing thousands of addictive painkillers from a black market drug runner.

Tina Fey: Here to comment on all of this, is Rush Limbaugh!

Rush Limbaugh: Ah! Thank you! Thank you, Tina. Uhh.. folks. It's a pleasure to be here - I'd first like to say that my remarks about Donovan McNabb.. were directed at the media.. and were not racially motivated. I am not a racist! Many of my on-air colleagues were blacks. Not just regular blacks, but extremely dark blacks!

Tina Fey: Okay. Now, what about the painkillers? Five thousand painkillers? Why did you need so many pain pills?

Rush Limbaugh: Aw, now.. to-to say that OxyContin are "pain pills" is a gross.. mischaracterization. A typical left-wing, femi-nai propaganda. I assure you, I am healthy! I take OxyContin to trip my balls off! Yeah!

Tina Fey: Alright. so.. it sounds like you don't have any regrets.

Rush Limbaugh: [ thinking it over ] Well, I do have one regret, uh.. the timing. ..If this drug thing.. sticks.. I could go to jail.. and I just pissed off a lot of black guys! Yeah. Yeah. [ audience laughs, then applauds ] Oh, don't clap! It's very dangerous! But it doesn't bother me, uh.. because.. people can say whatever they want - you know.. you can't hurt Rush Limbaugh! Seriously.. you can't hurt me. I have so much Demoral coarsing though my veins.. I can't feel a thing! Look at this.. [ begins to pound a hammer onto his hand, repeatedly, never flinching ] Nothing! Nothing at all! I don't feel anything..

Tina Fey: O-kayyy.. Rush Limbaugh, everybody. Rush Limbaugh.

Jimmy Fallon: Sean "P. Diddy" Combs announced Tuesday that he will compete in the New York Marathon, in hopes of raising $1 million for education charities. Combs does not expect to make good time in the race, because it's very hard to run fast with Ashon Kutcher up his ass the whole time.

Tina Fey: In a stunning development this week, First Lady Laura Bush got engaged, to French president Jacques Chirroc. Best wishes.

As of yesterday, the Bush administration said they still haven't found the source of the White House leak that outed a woman as a CIA operative. So, just to recap, here are the things President Bush can't find:
The White House leak
Weapons of mass destruction in Iraq
Saddam Hussein
Osama Bin Laden
A link between Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden
The guy who sent the anthrax through the mail
..and his own butt, with two hands and a flashlight.

Jimmy Fallon: A retired Japanese silkwork breeder, documented as the world's oldest man, died in his home Sunday, at the age of 114. Fortunately, he died doing what he loved: heroin.

Tina Fey: Well, it's October, and the Fall movie season is heating up. Here with a review of the new Denzel Washington movie "Out Of Time", is our entertainment correspondent - and new cast member - Finesse Mitchell!

Finesse Mitchell: Thank you. Thank you, Tina. Now, I really want to see this movie, but I have to wait a while. Going to see a movie in my neighborhood would be really hard - you don't actually get ot see the movie. I mean, the last movie I went to see in my neighborhood was "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" at the Magic Johnson Theater. There was so much going on - people were having a birthday party inside the theater. They were passing around cake - I didn't know you could do that. The movie started, and people were cheering - but not cheering like "We want the movie! Bring on --" No, it was a big group of girls sitting in front of me, actually cheering. Like this: "Crouching Tigerrrr, Hidden Drag-an! Crouching Tigerrrrrrr, Hidden Drag-annnnnn! I said my name is Laticia - Crouching Tiger, Crouching Tiger! It's my birthday, up in here - Crouching Tiger, Crouching Tiger! What's up, Tisha? Hey, girl! Call me! Okay, okay? Ah ah ah ah ah..!" So, you know - I wanted to see the movie, so I tried to do my "I'm gonna go and get the manager if you don't keep it down" white man cough. I mean, you know how they do it - they go: [ makes coughing sounds ] But she just turned around and said: "[ imitating coughing ] Something wrong with your throat?! You need a Sucret's?! Give him some cake or something, I don't know.. it's my birthday!"

But, listen.. when Laticia found out she had to read for two-and-a-half hours.. 'cause "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon"'s half subtitles. so, when she found out she had to read - oh my goodness. She was excited at first: "Thank you, girl! Thank you, Frere Jacques! Thank you, Preciante - uh, ooh.. we have to read?! Oh, I hate y'all! Something told me we shoulda saw 'Shrek'!" Now, I don't claim to know everything - 'cause I'm from Georgia, you know? But I'm pretty damn sure you're not supposed to read out loud in no movie theater! It sounded like a ghetto karaoke bible study was going on in there. People who were reading out loud was using their finger.. [ demonstrates ] "The green.. destiny sword.. does not belong to you.. and.." [ mimes turning the page ] But that wasn't the funny part, the funny part was that there was sixty of us in the theater; thirty out of the sixty was reading out loud! Fifteen out of the thirty were not on the 8th grade reading level we're all supposed to be on, so they could not finish the screen before it switched on to something else! [ demonstrates ] "You.. have.. betrayed.. my.. family.. and [ screen changes ] -- oh, shoot! SLOW it down! It's my BIRTHDAY, slow it DOWN!! I got you, Preciante, I got you."

Tina? It was a nightmare.

Tina Fey: Finesse Mitchell, everybody.

Jimmy Fallon: Madonna has agreed to star as a kinky, leather-clad dominatrix in Britney Spears' new music video. This should be really hot - for anyone who finds sad desperation hot.

Tina Fey: Yes!

According to a new study, women in satisfying marriages are less likely to develop cardiovascular diseases than unmarried women. So, don't worry, single women, you'll be dead soon!

Billy Joel shattered his wrist this week, after falling down the stairs while inspecting renovations at his Long Island home. The fall has left Joel no choice, but to fire his contractors James Bean and Glenn Fittish.

Jimmy Fallon: Eight years after divorcing his wife, Roy Littlejohns has married the woman's identical twin sister. [ mysteriously ] Or so he thinks..

[ cut to Tina, casually drinking from a glass of Scotch as she turns to stare at Jimmy ]

[ cut back to Jimmy, who has just applied a fake moustache to his upper lip, now laughing with a sinister tone over ominous music ]

[ cut to wide shot of Jimmy and Tina, as they freeze in place to applause, then continue the newscast ]

Tina Fey: Police in Rockton, Illinois arrested Robert Moy after he fired a gun at the owner of a pizza restaurant, because his pizza was delivered an hour late. Moy is expected to please "Crazy Bread."

[ laughs ] That's my favorite! Anyway..

Viewers of last week's 55th Annual Emmy Awards may have noticed an incredibly awkward moment betwene Bill Cosby and comedienne Wanda Sykes.

Jimmy Fallon: [ curious ] What are you talking about?

Tina Fey: You didn't see this? No.. it was just a little bit awkward - we have a clip of it, let's take a look at the clip.

[ cut to clip from the Emmys, Wanda Sykes walking among the audience ]

Wanda Sykes: Wow! This is incredible! I mean, the 55th Annual Emmy Awards! So many big stars here tonight, especially.. this man right here. Mr. Bill Cosby! Come on, everybody - Bill Cosby! [ the crowd starts to applaud ] Yeah! What.. what.. what a legend. Now, I mean, Bill Cosby's a true pioneer - both for comedians and African-Americans, like myself. Mr. Cosby? I used to watch your show all the time.

Bill Cosby: Get out of my face.

Wanda Sykes: [ surprised ] What?!

Bill Cosby: I said.. get out of my face!

Wanda Sykes: Wow! Wow, you cranky! I-I-I guess that happens to all people sometimes, you know? Because you've been on TV forever, ain't ya, Bill? Wa-w-asn't "I-Spy", like, the first show ever on television, huh? I mean, you-yuo on TV before they invented TV, weren't ya?

Bill Cosby: Yeah, but.. at least we spoke English! You know, with the flizzles, the flazzles, the snazzles.. uhhhhh..

Wanda Sykes: Okay. Yeah! Okay, Bill, that's funny! See, you wanna do the Electric Slide with me, Bill? Come on! Ah-ah!

[ Cosby stands up in slugs Wanda in the face, knocking her to the floor ]

Bill Cosby: [ upset with himself ] Now, you see what you made me do in front of my wife - Camiiiillle?? [ points to his wife sitting next to him ]

[ without warning, Wanda Sykes jumps up and pounches Bill Cosby, as they tumble to the ground in a madcap scuffle ]

Announcer: Coming up next on the 55th Annual Emmy Awards - Bernie Mac.. and the dog from "Frasier".

[ cut back to the Weekend Update set ]

Tina Fey: Hmm.. alright. In a recent -- [ audience begins to applaud ] Yes! See, it was a little awkward. It was a kind of an awkward moment.

In a recent interview, Colin Farrell admitted that he used to smoke "280 fags every week." Just to clarify this statement, in parts of Europe, the word "fag" is a slang term for "gay dude".

Jimmy Fallon: For "Weekend Update", I'm Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.


SNL Transcripts