Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 2

03b: Justin Timberlake


Ashton Kutcher.....Justin Timberlake
Lawyer.....Chris Parnell
Fred Durst.....Jeff Richards
Mugger #1.....Kenan Thompson
Mugger #2.....Horatio Sanz
Christina Aguilera.....Maya Rudolph
50 Cent.....Finesse Mitchell
Dax.....Will Forte

Ashton Kutcher(VO): You watched the ďReal World - You Never Saw: Las Vegas.Ē You seen Jackass Steve-o ďDonít Try This at Home.Ē Now MTV drops a special edition DVD of their newest hit show ďPunkíd: Barely Legal,Ē starring me, Ashton Kutcher. Iím awesome! [appears] Hereís the deal, Iím Ashton Kutcher. Iím awesome! Weíre showing you all the pranks we werenít allowed to put on MTV but now we can, because my lawyer found a loophole. Ainít that right, man?

Lawyer: Well itís not really a loophole. What youíre doing is actually very illegal, Ashton

Ashton Kutcher: Call me Kooch [pushes him out of the frame] Check out when we punk Fred Durst!

[Fred comes out of a backstage door, 2 muggers with guns approach him]

Mugger #1: Hey Fred Durst! Fred Durst!

Mugger #2: Gimme your wallet Fred Durst!

Fred Durst: Please donít hurt me. Please donít hurt my beautiful face. Iíll do anything. Iíll - Iíll touch you wiener. Iíll touch your --

Ashton Kutcher: [appears] Whatís going on in here? Ha! Fred Durst you just got Punkíd. They didnít even ask you to touch their wiener Ė you just offered it. Iím awesome!

[just him in the frame] Ha! What a wuss. Why am I so kick ass? Is it because I Ďm dating Demi Moore? Yeah, you know it. Ha! Hereís one you wonít see on t.v. Watch how we punk Christina Aguilera

Christina Aguilera: [in a recording studio]
"I am beautiful, no matter what they say.
Yes words canít bring me down."

[dry heaves]

Oh my god. Whatís wrong with me? Iíve been sick all morniní.

Ashton Kutcher: [appears] Youíre gonna be a mom!

Christina Aguilera: What?

Ashton Kutcher: You just got Punkíd! We switched out your birth control pills.

Christina Aguilera: Oh my God. You got me. You are so good.

Ashton Kutcher: I know I am. Iím Aston Kutcher. Iím awesome!

[just him in the frame] Hahaha! Hilarious as usual.

Lawyer: Really problematic. I donít think you can release the DVD Ė [Ashton pushes him out of the frame]

Ashton Kutcher: My life is perfect! But sometimes the pranks arenít. Thatís when you gotta use the ole noodle. Like when we tried to punk 50 Cent. Watch Dax make him think thereís a monster in his room!

50 Cent: [in a bedroom, walks to the bathroom, jumps back and shuts the door] Yo, Iím not going in there. Thereís a vampire in the bathtub.

[Dax comes out and 50 Cent shoots him repeatedly, finally throwing the empty gun at him]

Ashton Kutcher: [appears, laughing] Dude thatís awesome! You didnít know that you were gonna kill somebody. And Dax didnít even know he was gonna get killed. Itís a double punk!

[jumping on the bed]

Iím awesome! Iím Ashton Kutcher. I love Justin Timberlake [jumps out of the scene]

Ashton Kutcher (VO): ďPunkíd: Barely LegalĒ available every place thatís awesome!

Submitted by: Catrina

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