Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 2




03b: Justin Timberlake

A Message From Nick Lachey And Jessica Simpson

Nick Lachey.....Jimmy Fallon
Jessica Simpson.....Justin Timberlake

Announcer: And now, a message from Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson.

Nick Lachey: Hi. I'm Nick Lachey, formerly of the band 98 Degrees, and currently of.. well.. nothing.

Jessica Simpson: And I'm his wife Jessica Simpson, formerly of the band.. Jessica Simpson.

Nick Lachey: Recently, thanks to our TV show "Newlyweds", a lot of people have been saying a lot of nasty things about my wife!

Jessica Simpson: Seriously, you guys - it's totally me! I'm not stupid! Okay.. okay, so I'm not some fancy "middle school" graduate! Big whoop! Would my life really be any better if I went to whatever comes after middle school?! I don't thknk so!

Nick Lachey: Look, here's the deal - I've known Jessica for a long time, and I know she's not gonna cure cancer, okay? To be honest.. I wouldn't even trust her to cure a ham.

Jessica Simpson: [ concerned ] Awwww.. the ham is sick?

Nick Lachey: Once we got past all that.. I realized something very important - she wasn't going to let me have sex with her unless we were married.

Jessica Simpson: Uh-uh, no way!

Nick Lachey: So.. so I married her, and it was awesome! Like, really, really awesome! Then, it got less awesome. Then, it got awesome again, from different angles - you know what I mean.

Jessica Simpson: [ confused ] What are you talking about, honey?

Nick Lachey: Uh.. don't worry about it. Uh.. the point is - everyone should just back off, okay?

Jessica Simpson: For reals, y'all! You guys are just overreacting! So what if I thought Chicken of the Sea tuna was actually chicken?! Or that I thought buffalo wings were actually made out of buffalos?! So what if I cried for three whole days when I thought that Peter Pan was ground up to make peanut butter?! So what if I never learn to read or write?! And, when I sign autographs, I have to sign with an "X"?!

Nick Lachey: Okay honey, that's enough.. we've got it--

Jessica Simpson: No, Nick! It's not enough! I want these people to know that it hurt my feelings.. [ begins to weep ] ..when they say I'm not ed-u-ma-cated, or whatever! I mean, if I'm so retarded, how come my driver's license says.. "functionally retarded"?!

Nick Lachey: Okay, honey, th-that's drop that..!

Jessica Simpson: So, in conclusion, you may call me "Dumb".. you may call me "Stupid".. you may even call me "Dumb".. but think about this! [ leans back, quiet ]

Nick Lachey: Wh-what, honey? Think about what?

Jessica Simpson: [ confused ] What?

Nick Lachey: The point. You were making a point?

Jessica Simpson: When? [ a beat ] Can we go, honey? I have to drop the kids off at the pool!

Nick Lachey: That's great, that's great, that's great..

Jessica Simpson: When I said "pool", I meant "toilet"!

Nick Lachey: Okay, I got it--

Jessica Simpson: And "kids" meant "poop!"

Nick Lachey: Okay, okay..

Announcer: This has been a message from Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson.


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