Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 29: Episode 3
October 18th, 2003
: Kobe Bryant (Finesse Mitchell) and his wife Vanessa (Maya Rudolph) argue with one another before his rape trial.
Halle Berry's Monologue
: Lorne Michaels wants to see Halle Berry and Britney Spears kiss.
: Named for Halle's Department Store in her Cleveland, Ohio hometown, Halle Berry (1966-) became the first African-American woman to win an Academy Award in 2002, for "Monster's Ball."
: The pill that prevents middle-aged homosexuals from losing their gay sex drive.
The Don Zimmer Sports Spectacular
: Don Zimmer (Horatio Sanz) is repeatedly slammed to the ground by his guests.
: Bob Costas, Pete Rose.
: Donatella Versace (Maya Rudolph) throws her annual Halloween party.
: Model played by Zachary Woodlee.
: Donatella Versace, Elton John.
: Happy phone-line customers tout their good service using technobabble.
: The pills office workers use to simulate the sexual experience.
: Starkisha (Finesse Mitchell) celebrates her birthday at a sushi bar with friends.
: Starkisha, Appreciante.
The Sunday National Enquirer
: Provides special edition fake news stories to brighten your weekend.
Britney Spears performs "Me Against The Music"
Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey
: Indian comic Billy Smith (Fred Armisen) tells less-than-stellar jokes. Superfan Bob Swerski (George Wendt) offers a sports commentary with his moron nephew (Horatio Sanz).
: Billy Smith, Bob Swerski.
The Best of Klymaxx
: Klymaxx's greatest spoken-over performances.
: Tom Brokaw (Chris Parnell) is persuaded to record an answering machine message for his make-up girl (Halle Berry).
: Tom Brokaw.
Britney Spears performs "Everytime"
Ashford & Simpson Fan
: A woman's (Halle Berry) day turns brighter when she meets Ashford (Kenan Thompson) & Simpson (Maya Rudolph).
: A speedreader (Will Forte) quickly hits on a woman (Halle Berry) at a bar.