Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 3

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Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

October 18th, 2003

Halle Berry

Britney Spears

Zachary Woodlee

George Wendt

Kobe Bryant
Summary: Kobe Bryant (Finesse Mitchell) and his wife Vanessa (Maya Rudolph) argue with one another before his rape trial.



Halle Berry's Monologue
Summary: Lorne Michaels wants to see Halle Berry and Britney Spears kiss.

Bio: Named for Halle's Department Store in her Cleveland, Ohio hometown, Halle Berry (1966-) became the first African-American woman to win an Academy Award in 2002, for "Monster's Ball."


Summary: The pill that prevents middle-aged homosexuals from losing their gay sex drive.


The Don Zimmer Sports Spectacular
Summary: Don Zimmer (Horatio Sanz) is repeatedly slammed to the ground by his guests.

Recurring Characters: Bob Costas, Pete Rose.


Donatella Versace
Summary: Donatella Versace (Maya Rudolph) throws her annual Halloween party.

Note: Model played by Zachary Woodlee.

Recurring Characters: Donatella Versace, Elton John.

Summary: Happy phone-line customers tout their good service using technobabble.

Quick Ones
Summary: The pills office workers use to simulate the sexual experience.


Sushi Bar
Summary: Starkisha (Finesse Mitchell) celebrates her birthday at a sushi bar with friends.

Recurring Characters: Starkisha, Appreciante.

The Sunday National Enquirer
Summary: Provides special edition fake news stories to brighten your weekend.

Britney Spears performs "Me Against The Music"
Also Appeared: 99s, 01l.

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey
Summary: Indian comic Billy Smith (Fred Armisen) tells less-than-stellar jokes. Superfan Bob Swerski (George Wendt) offers a sports commentary with his moron nephew (Horatio Sanz).

Recurring Characters: Billy Smith, Bob Swerski.


The Best of Klymaxx
Summary: Klymaxx's greatest spoken-over performances.

Tom Brokaw
Summary: Tom Brokaw (Chris Parnell) is persuaded to record an answering machine message for his make-up girl (Halle Berry).

Recurring Characters: Tom Brokaw.

Britney Spears performs "Everytime"

Ashford & Simpson Fan
Summary: A woman's (Halle Berry) day turns brighter when she meets Ashford (Kenan Thompson) & Simpson (Maya Rudolph).

Summary: A speedreader (Will Forte) quickly hits on a woman (Halle Berry) at a bar.



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