Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 3





03c: Halle Berry / Britney Spears

Halle Berry's Monologue

.....Halle Berry
.....Lorne Michaels
.....Britney Spears
.....Jimmy Fallon
.....Tina Fey

Halle Berry: Thank you! Thank you very much! Wow! Wow, I am so excited to be here tonight - thank you! I'm so excited, but first - what about those Yankees, huh? [ audience cheers ] They're in the World Series, wow! I love live television! I've only been on live television twice. One of those times, I was getting that ltitle gold guy - the Oscar. [ audience cheers ] And the other time.. I got a big, big surprise.

[ cut to Lorne Michaels speaking with Britney Spears backstage ]

Lorne Michaels: Honestly, Britney. I just think people are expecting you and Halle to kiss.

Britney Spears: I don't.. I don't know, Lorne. I already did that Madonna thing at the VMAs - it's, like, already done, you know?

Lorne Michaels: That was cable. I don't think that many people watch MTV.

Britney Spears: I'm pretty sure they do.

Lorne Michaels: Actually, it's not so much the Madonna thing - it's mroe about the Oscars. Remember when Adrian Brody kissed Halle? If you did that, it would be hilarious!

Britney Spears: Noooo, no.. I don't think so..

Lorne Michaels: Look, I understand if you're not attracted to her.

Britney Spears: No, oh my God, I am! I'm not saying that at all, I just --

[ Jimmy Fallon passes through the hall ]

Lorne Michaels: Jimmy? Let me get your opinion on this. Do you think Britney and Halle --

Jimmy Fallon: [ without hesitating ] Yes! Definitely.

Britney Spears: No. I know people would like to see it --

[ Tina Fey passes down the hall ]
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Lorne Michaels: Tina, Tina! Do you think, uh.. Britney and Halle should kiss?

Tina Fey: What, like in the monologue?

Lorne Michaels: The monologue, or later in the show.. it doesn't even have to be on camera.

Tina Fey: I don't know. I think people saw the Madonna thing.. and it's played out.

[ Lorne punches Tina in the face ]

Lorne Michaels: Tina's not a typical female viewer..

Jimmy Fallon: No.

Lorne Michaels: Listen.. Halle's really into this..

[ suddenly, Halle Berry walks up ]

Halle Berry: Okay, look, look.. I know I'm new to this thing, but.. when the host is out there on the stage in front of the audience, shouldn't the camera be on her?

Lorne Michaels: ..Most of the time. It's not a hard, fast rule. You kow Britney?

[ Halle and Britney greet one another ]

Lorne Michaels: I was just explaining to Britney --

Halle Berry: Oh, no.. He's not trying to get you to do the kiss thing, is he?

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah.

Halle Berry: [ sighs ] Lorne, I told you all week long - I'm not gonna do it!

Lorne Michaels: If you won't do it for me.. do it for those poor Cubs fans.

Together: Nooooooooo!!

Lorne Michaels: Red Sox fans?

Together: Nooooooooo!!

Lorne Michaels: I wouldn't do this.. but I am ready to write a check to your favorite charity, for $100 each!

Jimmy Fallon: Wow. Pretty good.

Together: NO!!

Lorne Michaels: Alright, alright.. I hear you. How about this - why don't you take Britney up on the stage.. see how it feels.. see what happesn.

Halle Berry: Okay, fine. Come on, Britney..

Britney Spears: Let's go..

[ Halle and Britney exit back to Home Base ]

Jimmy Fallon: [ excited ] I think they're gonna do it! I can't believe you talked them into it!

Lorne Michaels: Yeah, they will, but I'll tell you, Jimmy - sometimes.. I hate this job.

Jimmy Fallon: [ a beat ] Wanna watch it in my dressing room?

Lorne Michaels: Sure.

[ Lorne and Jimmy exit the scene ]

[ cut back to Home Base ]

Halle Berry: Okay. Here's the thing: it's not that we mind kissing..

Britney Spears: No, no.. not at all!

Halle Berry: But.. you know if we do, you know what the cover of US Weekly would look like, don't you?

[ they move their lips in close for a near-kiss, as cameras flash ]

Britney Spears: Yeah! You know, and.. like, let's not do that. Maybe I'll do it in my first song, or something like that.. like, another song.

Halle Berry: Yeah, maybe if, like, you guys want it bad enough.

[ audience cheers ]

Halle Berry: Hey, listen - we have a greet show for you tonight.

Britney Spears: I'm here!

Halle Berry: So stick around. We'll be right back!


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