Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 3






03c: Halle Berry / Britney Spears

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

.....Jimmy Fallon
.....Tina Fey
Billy Smith.....Fred Armisen
Bart Swerski.....Horatio Sanz
Bob Swerski.....George Wendt

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it's "Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey."

Jimmy Fallon: I'm Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Here are tonight's top stories.

On Thursday, in California, President Bush met privately with Governor-Elect Arnold Scwarzenegger. What did the pair talk about? Neither is really sure.

According to a new study, people on a low-carb diet, like Atkins, eat more than people on a standard diet, but also lose more weight. This is thanks to the extra calories they lose during their non-stop yammering about how theyíre on Atkins.

Jimmy Fallon: In California this week, grocery clerks went on strike. Which means, for the second time in less than two weeks, Gray Davis is out of a job.

Former Royal Navy Lieutenant Commander Patrick Dalzel-Job, the British war hero who was the inspiration for the character in James Bond, died this week at the age of 90. His family was shaken, not stirred.

Those who met him will never forget his trademark line: "The name's Dalzel-Job, Former Royal Navy Lieutenant Commander Patrick Dalzel-Job."

Tina Fey: This week, the city of Atlantic City unveiled its new slogan: "Atlantic City: Always Turned On." It sure beats their old slogan: "Atlanti City: Las Vegas for Ugly People."

Jimmy Fallon: This summer, I spent some time in the Southwest, and I saw this great stand-up comic, a Native American from the Apacalo Tribe. And I really want everyone to see him.. please welcome comedian Billy Smith!

[ Indian flute music ]

Billy Smith: Let me hear you make some noise! [ audience cheers ] I have noticed something: what is the deal with the food on the flying, mechanical silver bird? It tastes quite herbal, does it not? I would sooner eat Ooky Oonu! [ low audience response ] Ooky Oonu is the oil from the bone of a deer. Thank you.

It sure is a pleasure to be here in New York. Is anybody here from out of town? [ audience cheers, as Billy faces Jimmy Fallon ] How about you, where do you come from?

Jimmy Fallon: Uh.. I'm from upstate.

Billy Smith: Sorry.

Jimmy Fallon: I said.. I'm from upstate New York.

Billy Smith: I know! and I'm greatly sorry! Do you see? I am disparaging the place of your birth!

Jimmy Fallon: Ha ha, I get it!

Billy Smith: Boy.. it's hot in here, is it not? I haven't sweated this much since my rite of passage ceremony of One Thousand Fires! [ low response from audience ] You had to be there for that one, you see, Jimmy, uh.. it was quite hot.

Jimmy Fallon: Assuming you were there..

Billy Smith: Yes! The flames of the cleansing fire lept up from the log and made me want to cry out!

[ low response from the audience ]

I haven't seen a crowd this silent since the Shadow Ghost of the Animal Spirit calmed the eyes of a thousand fox-es!

[ low response from the audience ]

[ taps microphone ] Is this thing on?

Jimmy Fallon: Pretty good.

Billy Smith: Thank you. Well, how about this Ben and J. Lo? She has been through so many wedding ceremonies, she must have a hard time finding the tail feathers of the eagle, which represent the spirit Communion!

Tina Fey: Jimmy, you thought this guy was fantastic?

Jimmy Fallon: [ laughing ] He's hilarious!

Tina Fey: Oh, my goodness.

Billy Smith: [ to Jimmy ] Watch this one, okay? [ to Tina ] Hey, Tina Fey! What is your problem? I don't go down to where you work, and knock the seatunka out of your mouth! [ silent reaction ] You see, a seatunka is a ceremonial flute made of cedar wood. But, in some tribes, it is also a term for a phallus. Thank you! Anyhoo, you've been a great cloud. Wehre you sleep, so sleep my ancestors! Peace out!

[ Indian flute music ]

Jimmy Fallon: Billy Smith, everybody!

Tina Fey: One of the newest trends among celebrities is to wear a simple red knotted string, which symbolizes a dedication to the Kabbalah. For those of you who donít know, Kabbalah is an ancient form of publicity invented by Madonna.

Police in Brooklyn were called after a 4-year-old boy showed up at kindergarten with a bag of marijuana in his shoe. The drugs -- [ audience cheers ] Yes, marijuana! Police in Brooklyn were called after a 4-year-old boy showed up at kindergarten with a bag of marijuana in his shoe. The drugs had a reported street value of five milks and a cupcake.

Jimmy Fallon: China lainched its first manned space mission Wednesday, sending astronaut Yang Liwei into orbit. Uh, let's take a look at the launch:

[ show video footage of Chinese acrobats throwing one of their own into the air ]

Voice: 5! 4! 3! 2! 1! Blast me into spaaaaaace!

Jimmy Fallon: Look at that! They do everything differently there!

Tina Fey: This Thursday, 48 contestants will compete in the 2003 National Monopoly Championship, which will be held onboard a moving train. They couldn't hold it at last year's venue, because, uh.. Steve's mom is putting new carpet in the basement.

Tina Fey: Four members of Alpha Lambda Tau are seeking to make theirs the first gay fraternity at the University of Texas, San Antonio. Itís just like every other fraternity, except with slightly more gay sex.

Jimmy Fallon: As heartbreaking as the Red Sox loss was for Boston fans, the collapse of the Chicago Cubs, after being up 3 games to 1 was uniquely devestating. Are the Cubs cursed? Here with a commentary, is Chicago Superfan Bart Swerski.

Bart Swerski: Yeah, thanks there! First of all, there ain't no curse! One cannot be cursed when one resides in a town with Giodano's stuffed pizza.. Stevi D's deep-fried Caesar salad.. and, least but not least, Al's Italian Sausauge smoothies! And.. a certain thing known as.. The Cubs!

Jimmy Fallon: Don't you mean "Da" Cubs? Anyway.. how can you, uh.. how can you say there's no curse? Your team was five outs away from the World Series, and then that kid interfered with the ball and the Cubs came up eight runs, and it's over.

Bart Swerski: Let me tell you something, Jimmy.. let me tell you something about this so-called tragedy. That tagedy.. has brought the town of Chicago together.. like no other place! People of different colors and creeds.. coming together, putting differences aside. All united.. in wanting to beat the living crap outta that kid! The Cubs!

Jimmy Fallon: The Cubs. That's horrible, man. Are you sure you're a Superfan?

Bart Swerski: Yeah, you got that right, candy apple.

Jimmy Fallon: [ confused ] What are you talking about?

[ Bob Swerski scoots behind the Update desk ]

Bob Swerski: He's alright. Seriously, he's just got a bit of a speech impediment. He's my nephew, and - sorry, I was late, pal, I was at church. I was praying for the Lord to help me find where that jerkwad ball-punher hider is hiding. And I brought you a wafer - I did, I brought you a wafer from church. Come on! These are beer-battered Communion wafers. Only at Tommy D's Church & Grille on Morbash. Go ahead, try it - put some bleu cheese dip on there. Come on, it's lovely, it's a ltitle taste of heaven! And you know what - these ain't consecrated yet, so it's okay.

Jimmy Fallon: Oh, okay!

Bart Swerski: Deee Cuuubs!

Bob Swerski: We're gonna get this kid some therapy. Speech therapy. [ Bart down an entire mug of beer, as Jimmy Fallon quickly follows suit. Bob is a little slower, but downs all of his as well. ]

Jimmy Fallon: Oh, so you're at peace with this whole thing?

Bob Swerski: Don't get me wrong - that kid's gonna be a stain on the wall. I'll see to that personally! But, bottom line, it's just a game. It reminds me of something the great Coach Ditka once said.

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, what is that?

Bob Swerski: "I'll tear your face off, you gray-haired son of a bitch!"

Bart Swerski: He was a great man.

Bob Swerski: He was. And wise.

Jimmy Fallon: Ditka never said that.

Bob Swerski: [ chuckles ] You know what, Jimmy? There's an awful lot more to life than sprts. For example, movies. Tell me, Bart.. what film won Best Picture at last year's Oscars?

Bart Swerski: "Chicago"!

Bob Swerski: That's right! That's right! Greatest film of all time, my friend.

Bart Swerski: A film that kicked the fruity ass of another film.. called.. "Gangs of New York".

Bob Swerski: That's right.

Together: Daaaaa Oscars!

[ "All That Jazz" pots up ]

Jimmy Fallon: What's going on? What's going on here?

Bob Swerski: Oh, never you mind, Mr. New Yorkie.

[ Bob and Bart singing together ]

"C'mon babe
Why don't we paint the town?
And all that jazz

I'm gonna rouge my knees
And roll my stockings down
And all that jazz

Start the car
I know a whoopee spot
Where the gin is cold
But the piano's hot

And all.. that.. jazz!"

Jimmy Fallon: For "Weekend Update", I'm Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I'm Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.


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