Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 3

03c: Halle Berry / Britney Spears

Don Zimmer's Sports Spectacular

Don Zimmer.....Horatio Sanz
Bob Costas.....Darrell Hammond
Pete Rose.....Jeff Richards
Cindy Cooper.....Halle Berry
Presenter.....Will Forte

(Opens with Don Zimmer Sports Spectacular logo. Don Zimmer sits in a TV studio surrounded by Yankees memorabilia and the presenter dressed as an umpire removes the catcher mitt and sings)



Don Zimmer: Let's play ball! I'm Don Zimmer and welcome to my Sports Spectacular. Where I talk to the biggest names bar none in sports. And speaking of big names they don't get any bigger than my old pal,Petey Rose!(In comes Pete Rose, shakes hands with Don, sits down)Hey!, Pete Rose! How you doing, buddy? How you doing you old sourpuss!?

Pete Rose: Good to see you, you big melon head.

Don Zimmer: Hey, how about them Yankees! Huh? Ha,ha! They're gonna win the World Series, ain't they?

Pete Rose: They'll win it if you keep running out and posing pictures with that big ol' head of yours.

Don Zimmer: Oh, come off it. I don't want to talk about that. I'm ashamed of myself. I shouldn't ougtha done it! Baaa!

Pete Rose: Ha! It looked like a butterball turkey going down.

(Don is getting angry)

Don Zimmer: I said knock it off, Pete.

Pete Rose: Have you seen the tape? It's funny, man. It's really funny.

Don Zimmer: You're getting me mad over here!

Pete Rose: I had a good ol' laugh old buddy. I really did.

Don Zimmer: Aww! Now, you got me too mad now!(Don gets up and charges Pete)Here I come!Aaahhh!!(Pete grabs him by the head and slams him to the ground, baseball cap flies off, Pete sits down)Oh, boy! Oh, I bumped my head again!

Pete Rose: I'm sorry, Zim!

(Don gets up, addresses the audience at home)

Don Zimmer: Look at me, what I done again. I'm ashamed of myself. I'm embarrassed. I got nothing more to say on that.(Don sits down)My next guest loves the game of baseball, almost as much as me. Here he is, Bob Costas. (In walks Bob, shakes hands with Pete and then with Don, sits next to Pete)Bobby how are ya'?. Good to see ya'.

Bob Costas: Zim, you're resplendent as ever.

(Don is confused)

Don Zimmer: What? What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Bob Costas: As per usual, the Zimmer has let the English language utterly daze and confuse him and yet in his prodigious infant-like head there's a veritable baseball encyclopedia.

Don Zimmer: Gosh!, Bob if I knew what you were saying I'd sock you in the snap box for saying something like that!

Bob Costas: Look, all I'm saying is I have nothing but the greatest respect for you and for what you've given to the game.(Don gets angry)

Don Zimmer: Well, it's too late now cause I'm getting steamed now!

Bob Costas: Oh, come on! I was just playfully jousting with you.

(Don gets ready to charge again, Bob gets up)

Don Zimmer: Well, get ready to take your lumps!Aahhh!!!(Don charges,Bob takes his head effortlessly and slams him to the floor again) Oh,no!Oh,boy!! Oh, brother!Now, I'm really embarrassed. (Don gets up talks directly at the viewer at home watching)I embarrassed my family again. I embarrassed the Yankees. Oh, I'm ashamed at what I done. I got nothing more to say on the subject.(Sits down)

Bob Costas: Look, maybe you ought to cut the show short tonight, Don.

Don Zimmer: It's OK. I've got a swell gal coming out here. She's a ball girl over at Fenway Park up in Boston. I just want to show them I ain't sore at the Red Sox's. So here she is, Cindy Cooper.(In walks Cindy, sits next to Bob Costas)

Cindy Cooper: Thank you. I want to thank you Mr. Zimmer for showing that there are no hard feelings.

Don Zimmer: Awww, who am I kidding? I lied. I'm still pretty hot over what happened with Pedro and the rest of the lousy bums.

Pete Rose: Knock it off, Don. She's a girl.

Cindy Cooper: I can handle myself. I've seen the tape. You just point his head away and let the momentum take him down.

(Don is mad as hell)

Don Zimmer: Oh, nuttin doing!!I got more moves than Mordecai Brown!! Look out girly!! Here comes a whole lot of Mr. Zim!!!Aaaaaaaahhhhh!!!(Charges Cindy for one last time and she gently takes him by the head and slams him on the floor)Oh,no!!

Cindy Cooper: Oh, did I hurt him?

(Pete and Bob get up)

Pete Rose: Oh, he'll be up in a minute.

Bob Costas: Boy, let's get out of here before we have to dump him again.(The 3 of them leaving Don on the floor)

Don Zimmer: Hey! Where are y'all going? Oh, boy! (Don gets up) Well, of course, I'm ashamed at what I done. Oh, Gosh! I'm embarrassed. I made a mess of everything.

(Fanfare music, logo and presenter appear again and he sings)


(Don walks away embarrassed)

(Cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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