03d: Kelly Ripa / Outkast
Pat O'Brien.....Jimmy Fallon
Renee Zelwegger....Kelly Ripa
Mortimer Barnswallow....Horatio Sanz
(Opens with logo of Access Hollywood, Pat stands in
the studio, TV set behind him reads Renee Zelwegger
Announcer: Lights! Camera! Access!
Pat O'Brien: (very nasal voice) Welcome back to Access
Hollywood. I'm Pat O'Brien. Scientists tell me that
the space in my nasal cavity is so dense that nothing
can escape it. Not even light. Word around town is
that Ms. Renee Zelwegger packing on the pounds for her
upcoming role to the sequel to "Bridget Jone's Diary".
She's not kidding, it looks like Bridget is jonesing
for "dairy" products. Last week I caught up with Renee
to get to the bottom of her really big bottom.
(Show's logo. Lights! Camera! Access! Pat sits on a
chair and Renee sits on a couch. She barely has her
eyes open, tiny slits looking away from Pat)
Pat O'Brien: Renee good to see you. 40 pounds heavier but you
wear it well. You're looking fantastic. I'm over here.
Hey! (one clap, she faces him) I'm over here!
Renee Zelwegger: Oh, thanks Pat. Yep, 40 pounds and
I'm carrying about 80% of it in my cheeks and lips.
Pat O'Brien: But you didn't do it alone. Is that
Renee Zelwegger: That's right Pat. When I learn a new
accent for a movie I work with a dialect coach. And
when I need to gain weight for a role I work with an
Pat O'Brien: Ha, ha! And not just any obesity coach.
You work with the best in the biz. The legendary
Mortimer Barnswallow and he's here tonight.
(3 Beeps are heard,a motorized wheelchair slowly
appears with fat as hell Mortimer Barnswallow on it.)
Pat O'Brien: Yep, there he is. He's here. Take your
(Mortimer slowly walks to the couch and sits next to
Renee lifting the whole side of the couch that Renee
is sitting on. Her feet don't touch the ground.)
Pat O'Brien: Mortimer good to see you. Now we should
let people know as far as obesity coaches go you're at
the top of the list.
Mortimer Barnswallow: (snotty voice)I'm the greatest
obesity coach of this generation. I use Vienna
sausages like tic-tacs. I butter my Oreos. And I
haven't had a bowel movement in nearly 3 years.
(Ripa is about to crack up laughing)
Renee Zelwegger: I begged the studio to set me up with
Mortimer after being so impressed with his other
Mortimer Barnswallow: You've no doubt seen my work
before. Kristie Alley(photo of Kristie circa CHEERS,
changes to another photo of Kristie fat, eyes closed,
uncombed hair)Matthew Perry hired me.(Double chin
photo of Matthew)Then he fired me(Slim photo of
Matthew)Then he hired me again(Fatty photo of
Matthew)Like the guy who plays Scotty on "Star
Trek"(black and white photo of young actor, change to
photo of fatter, older, white haired Scotty)
Pat O'Brien: Wow! Unbelievable, sir!
Mortimer Barnswallow: I'll never forget what he said
to me when I force-fed him his third helping of beef
Pat O'Brien: What was that?
Mortimer Barnswallow:(Scottish accent)Captain! I'm-a
giving it all she's got but my colon, she cannot take
it no more!(Ripa looks away to stifle laughter)
Pat O'Brien: Renee, you've got to tell me. What is it
like to be working with a living legend like Mortimer
Renee Zelwegger: It was fantastic! He is a legend. Did
you know that he finished Mamma Cass's last ham
Mortimer Barnswallow: There's more residual nutrition
in my flatulence than in most American schools
Renee Zelwegger: That's true.
Mortimer Barnswallow: But obesity isn't rocket science
Pat. There is so many things people can do to become
dangerously obese. For instance, 2 Twinkies instead of
(Struggles to get up off the couch, groans, gets up
and the side lifting Renee up in the air crashes down.
Mortimer with 2 Twinkies in his hand sits, Renee is
again suspended in the air)
Mortimer Barnswallow: Simply place 2 of the Twinkies
back to back like so. (Joins the 2 Twinkies) And
squeeze and stuff like this.(In one swift motion he
pushes the 2 Twinkies into his mouth)
Pat O'Brien: You see that?! Did you see that??!He ate
2 Twinkies at once!
Renee Zelwegger: I can't see.
Pat O'Brien: I can't breathe.
Mortimer Barnswallow: I can't wash myself without a
broom handle and a sponge.(Ripa hides her face but
shoulders bounce giving away her cracking up)Forgive
me! I'm simply parched under these studio
lights.(Picks up white bottle)Ah, Alfredo sauce,
anyone?(Gulps it down)
Pat O'Brien: No, thank you Mortimer. No, thank you
buddy. I'm good. Renee tough as it may have been it
looks like it had the desired effect.
Renee Zelwegger: Actually, no. I completed the entire
regiment and did everything he told me and when I
showed up for my first screen test this is what I
looked like.(Photo of morbidly obese Renee)
Pat O'Brien: Good God! La Boo! Yikes!
Renee Zelwegger: Ha, at first they didn't think it was me. They
tried to direct me to the set for "The Klumps Part 3".
Pat O'Brien: Of course.
Mortimer Barnswallow: I thought she looked quite
Renee Zelwegger: But I wasn't quite what they were
looking for Bridget Jones. So 8 months and several
hundred thousands dollars in liposuction later I was
ready to begin shooting.
Pat O'Brien: Out of sight. Mortimer Barnswallow and
Renee Zelwegger. We'll be right back with more Access
Hollywood right after this. Wait till you see what my
good friend Keanu Reeves is up to. (long pause)Wait
till you see what happens on "Friends" this
week.(pause) I'm Pat O'Brien.
(Walks off camera, Access Hollywood logo appears.
(Cheers and applause)
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel