Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 4

03d: Kelly Ripa / Outkast

Access Hollywood

Pat O'Brien.....Jimmy Fallon
Renee Zelwegger....Kelly Ripa
Mortimer Barnswallow....Horatio Sanz

(Opens with logo of Access Hollywood, Pat stands in the studio, TV set behind him reads Renee Zelwegger gets fat)

Announcer: Lights! Camera! Access!

Pat O'Brien: (very nasal voice) Welcome back to Access Hollywood. I'm Pat O'Brien. Scientists tell me that the space in my nasal cavity is so dense that nothing can escape it. Not even light. Word around town is that Ms. Renee Zelwegger packing on the pounds for her upcoming role to the sequel to "Bridget Jone's Diary". She's not kidding, it looks like Bridget is jonesing for "dairy" products. Last week I caught up with Renee to get to the bottom of her really big bottom.

(Show's logo. Lights! Camera! Access! Pat sits on a chair and Renee sits on a couch. She barely has her eyes open, tiny slits looking away from Pat)

Pat O'Brien: Renee good to see you. 40 pounds heavier but you wear it well. You're looking fantastic. I'm over here. Hey! (one clap, she faces him) I'm over here!

Renee Zelwegger: Oh, thanks Pat. Yep, 40 pounds and I'm carrying about 80% of it in my cheeks and lips.

Pat O'Brien: But you didn't do it alone. Is that right?

Renee Zelwegger: That's right Pat. When I learn a new accent for a movie I work with a dialect coach. And when I need to gain weight for a role I work with an obesity coach.

Pat O'Brien: Ha, ha! And not just any obesity coach. You work with the best in the biz. The legendary Mortimer Barnswallow and he's here tonight.

(3 Beeps are heard,a motorized wheelchair slowly appears with fat as hell Mortimer Barnswallow on it.)

Pat O'Brien: Yep, there he is. He's here. Take your time Mortimer.

(Mortimer slowly walks to the couch and sits next to Renee lifting the whole side of the couch that Renee is sitting on. Her feet don't touch the ground.)

Pat O'Brien: Mortimer good to see you. Now we should let people know as far as obesity coaches go you're at the top of the list.

Mortimer Barnswallow: (snotty voice)I'm the greatest obesity coach of this generation. I use Vienna sausages like tic-tacs. I butter my Oreos. And I haven't had a bowel movement in nearly 3 years.

(Ripa is about to crack up laughing)

Renee Zelwegger: I begged the studio to set me up with Mortimer after being so impressed with his other clients.

Mortimer Barnswallow: You've no doubt seen my work before. Kristie Alley(photo of Kristie circa CHEERS, changes to another photo of Kristie fat, eyes closed, uncombed hair)Matthew Perry hired me.(Double chin photo of Matthew)Then he fired me(Slim photo of Matthew)Then he hired me again(Fatty photo of Matthew)Like the guy who plays Scotty on "Star Trek"(black and white photo of young actor, change to photo of fatter, older, white haired Scotty)

Pat O'Brien: Wow! Unbelievable, sir!

Mortimer Barnswallow: I'll never forget what he said to me when I force-fed him his third helping of beef stroganoff.

Pat O'Brien: What was that?

Mortimer Barnswallow:(Scottish accent)Captain! I'm-a giving it all she's got but my colon, she cannot take it no more!(Ripa looks away to stifle laughter)

Pat O'Brien: Renee, you've got to tell me. What is it like to be working with a living legend like Mortimer Barnswallow?

Renee Zelwegger: It was fantastic! He is a legend. Did you know that he finished Mamma Cass's last ham sandwich?

Mortimer Barnswallow: There's more residual nutrition in my flatulence than in most American schools lunches.

Renee Zelwegger: That's true.

Mortimer Barnswallow: But obesity isn't rocket science Pat. There is so many things people can do to become dangerously obese. For instance, 2 Twinkies instead of one.

(Struggles to get up off the couch, groans, gets up and the side lifting Renee up in the air crashes down. Mortimer with 2 Twinkies in his hand sits, Renee is again suspended in the air)

Mortimer Barnswallow: Simply place 2 of the Twinkies back to back like so. (Joins the 2 Twinkies) And squeeze and stuff like this.(In one swift motion he pushes the 2 Twinkies into his mouth)

Pat O'Brien: You see that?! Did you see that??!He ate 2 Twinkies at once!

Renee Zelwegger: I can't see.

Pat O'Brien: I can't breathe.

Mortimer Barnswallow: I can't wash myself without a broom handle and a sponge.(Ripa hides her face but shoulders bounce giving away her cracking up)Forgive me! I'm simply parched under these studio lights.(Picks up white bottle)Ah, Alfredo sauce, anyone?(Gulps it down)

Pat O'Brien: No, thank you Mortimer. No, thank you buddy. I'm good. Renee tough as it may have been it looks like it had the desired effect.

Renee Zelwegger: Actually, no. I completed the entire regiment and did everything he told me and when I showed up for my first screen test this is what I looked like.(Photo of morbidly obese Renee)

Pat O'Brien: Good God! La Boo! Yikes!

Renee Zelwegger: Ha, at first they didn't think it was me. They tried to direct me to the set for "The Klumps Part 3".

Pat O'Brien: Of course.

Mortimer Barnswallow: I thought she looked quite fetching.

Renee Zelwegger: But I wasn't quite what they were looking for Bridget Jones. So 8 months and several hundred thousands dollars in liposuction later I was ready to begin shooting.

Pat O'Brien: Out of sight. Mortimer Barnswallow and Renee Zelwegger. We'll be right back with more Access Hollywood right after this. Wait till you see what my good friend Keanu Reeves is up to. (long pause)Wait till you see what happens on "Friends" this week.(pause) I'm Pat O'Brien.

(Walks off camera, Access Hollywood logo appears. Light!Camera!Access!)

(Cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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