03d: Kelly Ripa / Outkast
Leilani Burke: Pet Psychic
Leilani Burke.....Maya Rudolph
Leslie Collins.....Kelly Ripa
Terry Jerome.....Horatio Sanz
Chrissy Morten.....Rachel Dratch
Announcer: And now its time for Leilani Burke:Pet
Psychic. With your host Leilani Burke.
(In Leilani's set, orange is the predominant color.
Set is orange, Leilani is a red head, and she's
dressed in mostly orange hippie attire. Three guests
sit with Leilani)
Leilani Burke: (soft, soulful voice) Oh, thank you Glenn. Oh,
hello. I'm Leilani. And we have a very special show
today. (Soft instrumental music plays, she gets up and
sings)Tiny paws and fur behinds, don't be fooled they
got big minds, just stick around you're right on time,
for "The Leilani Burke Show".(Applause, she sits
down)Thank you. Aww, yeah, I thought that was pretty
neat too. I hope you liked that song. I feel I should
mention that I recorded it at my at-home studio where
I use a wonderful 3,000 cord electronic keyboard. It's
just a hobby. That is if you consider what you were
born to do, a hobby. Let's say hello to our first
guests. Keanu is a beautiful cat and her owner is
stay-at-home mom Leslie Collins. Hey, you two!
(Leslie is a plain looking housewife holding a brown cat)
Lesslie Collins: Hi, Leilani. Thanks for having us.
Leilani Burke: Oh, sure. So what brings you here today.
Lesslie Collins: Well, I've had Keanu since I was in
college, but I got married and I had some kids and a
couple of years ago it just seems there's some
distance between us.
Leilani Burke: Yeah, cat feelings are very complicated,
Leslie. You may not know this but in cat's language
there are over 200 words for string. Come here Keanu,
let's have a talk.(Picks cat up and talks to it)How
you doing? Nice to meet you too mister. What's that?
My song? You liked it? Well, thank you. I think it
does show off my range. No, an 8 track. No, I only use
a 4 track. Yeah, people think it sounds like an 8
track but I dump it all down to the one track and
build up on that. No, actually i don't have a
recording contract. Really? You know Phil Stiles at
Kingpin Records?! Well, I would love to give you a
demo tape. I am really glad we had a chance to talk
Lesslie Collins: Are you saying my cat knows a record producer?
Leilani Burke: Well, not just any record producer, THE Phil Stiles.
Lesslie Collins: When would my cat have a chance to meet Phil Stiles?
Leilani Burke: You know, I think you have to pay a little
bit more attention to your cat's schedule.
Lesslie Collins: Doesn't he has anything to say about me?
Leilani Burke: Let me ask him. Hey, buddy. What do you think
about Leslie? Yeah, I know! Ha,ha,ha! It's true! She
is very needy. Yeah, your relationship is great.
(Gives cat back to a stumped Leslie) Moving right along, what do we have over here?
(Fat, nerdy looking guy holds a yellow bird in a birdcage)
Terry Jerome: Hi. I'm Terry Jerome. And this is my
best friend Barbara.(Holds cage up)
Leilani Burke: OK. Now Terry, I understand that you co-own a pottery shop.
Terry Jerome: That's right, Leilani. I own a great little place where people can do their own pottery. It's called "Welcome Back, Potter"
Lesslie Collins: That's so funny. You know, I met my husband in a pottery class.
Leilani Burke: (kind of snippy)Boy, you really do need a lot of attention, don't you?! So Terry, what's going on with Barbara?
Terry Jerome: Well Leilani, Barbara is is very special to me and I just wanna know if she loves me as much as I love her.
Leilani Burke: Well that's great Terry. Why don't I ask him
myself? (To Leslie)If that's OK with you!(Grabs
birdcage, talks to the bird)Come on Barbara. What's
that? Oh, you like my lyrics? Well, thanks. So many of
them come straight from my own journals that I just
started calling my journals my song books. Yeah, you
did? Well, I had lunch with Phil Stiles too. Really?
Well, I guess he takes everyone to "The Fettuchinni
Factory". Uh?, no I didn't. I had a salad. What?
Phil?! Well, I guess there was a mild flirtation.
Terry Jerome: Leilani, does my bird love me?
Leilani Burke: Well, she loves you but she's not in love with you. (Gives birdcage back to Jerome) She hopes you understand. Well, I think that about wraps up our show.
Chrissy Morten: Hey! What about me?
Leilani Burke: Oh, my Goodness! We have another guest! I
forgot. That is the fourth show in a row that I have
done that Glenn. I'm sorry ma'am. And you are?
(Ugly looking Chrissy switches places with Leslie,
sits next to Leilani, she holds a plastic fishbowl
with a turtle in it)
Chrissy Morten: Chrissy Morten and this is my turtle
Rupert. Leilani, we had a turtle race for charity at
my church and Rupert came in second. He's been
depressed ever since. He'll always be a winner to me.
I just wish he felt that way about himself.
(Gives Leilani the plastic fishbowl, Leilani talks to
Rupert the turtle)
Leilani Burke: Yeah, let me have a talk with him. Hello,
Rupert. What's that? Yeah, I know how you feel. You're
disappointed in yourself. I know. Listen, I was really
angry with myself when I slept with Phil Stile's
assistant. Yes, I did have some wine. Hmm? Pinot
Grigio. Just a glass. All right, a carafe. (getting
angry)All right, it was a box of wine!(very angry) All
right, it was a box of paint thinner and when I woke
up I could talk to animals!(gives turtle back)
Chrissy Morten: I feel uncomfortable.
Leilani Burke: That's great!(soft, delicate)Well, that was a
terrific show. I had a blast. I'm Leilani Burke and
you've been watching(sings)"The Leilani Burke Show".
(Show's logo appears)
(Cheers and applause)
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel