Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 4

03d: Kelly Ripa / Outkast

Leilani Burke: Pet Psychic

Leilani Burke.....Maya Rudolph
Leslie Collins.....Kelly Ripa
Terry Jerome.....Horatio Sanz
Chrissy Morten.....Rachel Dratch

Announcer: And now its time for Leilani Burke:Pet Psychic. With your host Leilani Burke.

(In Leilani's set, orange is the predominant color. Set is orange, Leilani is a red head, and she's dressed in mostly orange hippie attire. Three guests sit with Leilani)

Leilani Burke: (soft, soulful voice) Oh, thank you Glenn. Oh, hello. I'm Leilani. And we have a very special show today. (Soft instrumental music plays, she gets up and sings)Tiny paws and fur behinds, don't be fooled they got big minds, just stick around you're right on time, for "The Leilani Burke Show".(Applause, she sits down)Thank you. Aww, yeah, I thought that was pretty neat too. I hope you liked that song. I feel I should mention that I recorded it at my at-home studio where I use a wonderful 3,000 cord electronic keyboard. It's just a hobby. That is if you consider what you were born to do, a hobby. Let's say hello to our first guests. Keanu is a beautiful cat and her owner is stay-at-home mom Leslie Collins. Hey, you two!

(Leslie is a plain looking housewife holding a brown cat)

Lesslie Collins: Hi, Leilani. Thanks for having us.

Leilani Burke: Oh, sure. So what brings you here today.

Lesslie Collins: Well, I've had Keanu since I was in college, but I got married and I had some kids and a couple of years ago it just seems there's some distance between us.

Leilani Burke: Yeah, cat feelings are very complicated, Leslie. You may not know this but in cat's language there are over 200 words for string. Come here Keanu, let's have a talk.(Picks cat up and talks to it)How you doing? Nice to meet you too mister. What's that? My song? You liked it? Well, thank you. I think it does show off my range. No, an 8 track. No, I only use a 4 track. Yeah, people think it sounds like an 8 track but I dump it all down to the one track and build up on that. No, actually i don't have a recording contract. Really? You know Phil Stiles at Kingpin Records?! Well, I would love to give you a demo tape. I am really glad we had a chance to talk too, Keanu.

Lesslie Collins: Are you saying my cat knows a record producer?

Leilani Burke: Well, not just any record producer, THE Phil Stiles.

Lesslie Collins: When would my cat have a chance to meet Phil Stiles?

Leilani Burke: You know, I think you have to pay a little bit more attention to your cat's schedule.

Lesslie Collins: Doesn't he has anything to say about me?

Leilani Burke: Let me ask him. Hey, buddy. What do you think about Leslie? Yeah, I know! Ha,ha,ha! It's true! She is very needy. Yeah, your relationship is great. (Gives cat back to a stumped Leslie) Moving right along, what do we have over here?

(Fat, nerdy looking guy holds a yellow bird in a birdcage)

Terry Jerome: Hi. I'm Terry Jerome. And this is my best friend Barbara.(Holds cage up)

Leilani Burke: OK. Now Terry, I understand that you co-own a pottery shop.

Terry Jerome: That's right, Leilani. I own a great little place where people can do their own pottery. It's called "Welcome Back, Potter"

Lesslie Collins: That's so funny. You know, I met my husband in a pottery class.

Leilani Burke: (kind of snippy)Boy, you really do need a lot of attention, don't you?! So Terry, what's going on with Barbara?

Terry Jerome: Well Leilani, Barbara is is very special to me and I just wanna know if she loves me as much as I love her.

Leilani Burke: Well that's great Terry. Why don't I ask him myself? (To Leslie)If that's OK with you!(Grabs birdcage, talks to the bird)Come on Barbara. What's that? Oh, you like my lyrics? Well, thanks. So many of them come straight from my own journals that I just started calling my journals my song books. Yeah, you did? Well, I had lunch with Phil Stiles too. Really? Well, I guess he takes everyone to "The Fettuchinni Factory". Uh?, no I didn't. I had a salad. What? Phil?! Well, I guess there was a mild flirtation.

Terry Jerome: Leilani, does my bird love me?

Leilani Burke: Well, she loves you but she's not in love with you. (Gives birdcage back to Jerome) She hopes you understand. Well, I think that about wraps up our show.

Chrissy Morten: Hey! What about me?

Leilani Burke: Oh, my Goodness! We have another guest! I forgot. That is the fourth show in a row that I have done that Glenn. I'm sorry ma'am. And you are?

(Ugly looking Chrissy switches places with Leslie, sits next to Leilani, she holds a plastic fishbowl with a turtle in it)

Chrissy Morten: Chrissy Morten and this is my turtle Rupert. Leilani, we had a turtle race for charity at my church and Rupert came in second. He's been depressed ever since. He'll always be a winner to me. I just wish he felt that way about himself.

(Gives Leilani the plastic fishbowl, Leilani talks to Rupert the turtle)

Leilani Burke: Yeah, let me have a talk with him. Hello, Rupert. What's that? Yeah, I know how you feel. You're disappointed in yourself. I know. Listen, I was really angry with myself when I slept with Phil Stile's assistant. Yes, I did have some wine. Hmm? Pinot Grigio. Just a glass. All right, a carafe. (getting angry)All right, it was a box of wine!(very angry) All right, it was a box of paint thinner and when I woke up I could talk to animals!(gives turtle back)

Chrissy Morten: I feel uncomfortable.

Leilani Burke: That's great!(soft, delicate)Well, that was a terrific show. I had a blast. I'm Leilani Burke and you've been watching(sings)"The Leilani Burke Show".

(Show's logo appears)

(Cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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