Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 4




03d: Kelly Ripa / Outkast

A Message From the President of the United States

President George W. Bush.....Darrell Hammond

Announcer: The following is an address from the President of the United States.

President George W. Bush: Good evening, my fellow Americans. A little over six months ago.. I asked for your support, and your trust, as our nation began a great undertaking: Operation Iraqi Freedom. And tonight, I want to assure you, that despite what you may have heard, or read.. Operation Iraqi Freedom.. has been a huge success. Major combat operations have ended. [ a quick beat ] Honestly. They have. The people or Iraq are free. And, while the hunt for Saddam's weapons of mass destruction continues.. what we have found already.. leads little doubt.. as to the threat he posed. Just this week, for example, American troops undercovered what was clearly a major chemical weapons lab. And, although they found no actual chemical weapons - as such - what they did find.. was just as good. This.. [ holds up a measuring cup ] This.. [ holds up rubber gloves ] And, the real smoking gun - This thing. [ holds up a rubber spatula ] No doubt, the weapons lab was just one of many in Iraq.. and we intend to find them all!

Now.. chemical weapons are bad enough. But as those anthrax-filled letters of two years ago made clear.. biological wepons are every bit as deadly. and two days ago, in a safehouse outside Tickery -- Tickery..? -- ..coalition forces. They made a chilling discovery. No, not anthrax. Something even more disturbing. These. [ holds up a stack of empty #10 envelopes ] Perhaps as many as a thousand. And that's all. It appears that Saddam loyalists were about to raise the terror threat to a new, more ominous level. [ holds up large manila envelopes ] But we won this round.

Now.. what about Saddam's nuclear weapons program? Here, unfortunately, there have as yet been no major discoveries. But we're still looking. And we're in noooo hurry. We've got aaaall the time in the world. And, even if the evidence is never found, does anyone doubt that, because of our actions, the Iraqi people are better off now than they were a year ago? Under Saddam, despite the country's oil riches, Iraqis lived a life of deprevation. Today, because of us, all of that has changed. The country's infrastructure has been completely rebuilt, with new roads, power stations, hospitals, and sports stadiums. By summer, every home in Iraq will have central air-conditioning and high-speed broadband internet access. In addition, Iraqis now enjoy free universal health care provided by the U.S., including cosmetic surgery.. and full prescription drug coverage.. and, because so many new schools have been built - again, by us - Iraq now has the world's biggest student-teacher ratio, with only eight students per class. And every one of those students, from kindergarten to twelfth grade, has his own GP Pwer Book, courtesy of the U.S. Along with an iPod, cell phone, and $200 per week walking-around money! And.. in return for all of this, what have we asked of Iraq? Nothing. Not one red cent. Even though Iraqi leaders have offered to at least partly reimburse us with future oil revenues. But our answer to the people of Iraq remains the same: "Your money's no good here." We can't accept it.. because we came to Iraq, not as conquerors.. [ whispers stealthily ] we came as liberators. And soon, perhaps in five years.. or fifteen years.. our troops will leave Iraq. And its people will form its own government through free elections. After we've replaced all the country's punch-card voting machines with new, state-of-the-art touch-pad systems. Because, when the Iraqi people cast their first vote, we want every.. vote.. counted.

Naturally, rebuilding Iraq's gonna cost.. money. A lot of money. Perhaps, as much as 1,700 million.. uh., b-billion dollars. After all, there are a lot of homes in Iraq, and flatscreen TVs aren't cheap. But the fact is, we have no alternative. That's why, early this week, I intend to ask Congress for an additional appropriation to finish the job, in the form of what I call.. a "blank check." I'm not gonna tell them the amount. Because, partly.. that's the point of a blank check. And, in all honesty.. [ chuckles ] It'd just be a guess, anyway!

Thank you. And, "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night."


SNL Transcripts