Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 4

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03d: Kelly Ripa / Outkast

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

.....Jimmy Fallon
.....Tina Fey
Drunk Girl.....Jeff Richards
Jimmy Buffett.....Horatio Sanz

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is "Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey."

Jimmy Fallon: Hi, I'm Andre "Ice Cold" 3000.

Tina Fey: And I'm Big Boi. Here are tonight's top stories. Well, two weeks after the California recall election, God has cast his vote.

(Graphic: fires) When asked to comment on the fires ravaging his state, governor elect Arnold Schwarzenegger said (in Arnold accent) "These fires are fantastic. I promised the people of California that my term would be nonstop action and excitement. We're going to keep it coming. We're going to have a huge earthquake, monsoons - we're going to make California the number one action state in the country!"

Jimmy Fallon: That was great!

Siegfried announced Thursday that his partner Roy is continuing to recover. Apparently his condition has been upgraded from critical to fabulous.

Whitney Houston is releasing her first album of Christmas songs called "One Wish." Houston's one wish: more crack.

Tina Fey: Levi's announced that they are redesigning their famous 501 jeans to compensate for the fact that Americans are getting heavier. The new design features roomier hips and thighs as well as the patented front butt technology.

In an interview, Paris Hilton said that of her and her sister, "People love to hate us. But when you know us, you love us. And if you really get to know us, you get gonorrhea."

Jimmy Fallon: After weeks of preparation, Sean P. Diddy Combs is set to compete in tomorrow's New York City Marathon.

Tina Fey: Wow so P. Diddy is running the marathon huh? I wonder how that might play out?

(P. Diddy and other marathon runners appear in front of the set)

Guy: On your marks, get set -- (shoots off gun)

(P. Diddy pulls out gun and shoots the guy)

Jimmy Fallon: Kinda like that - yeah. Almost just like that.

Tina Fey: Yeah.

While speaking at a Christian Youth Center in Dallas, President Bush said that religion helped him overcome his heavy drinking and rowdiness. But it was good old-fashioned Texas willpower that got him off the cocaine.

It has been reported that Britney Spears is now dating actor John Cusack. The two have a lot in common: she wants to pursue an acting career, and he wants to bone Britney Spears. Things were apparently going very well with the couple until Jeremy Piven demanded a supporting role.

Jimmy Fallon: After complaining about recurring headaches and nausea, Yankee coach Don Zimmer finally had his head examined on Thursday. (Graphic: Giant Jack-o-lantern)

Commenting on Condoleezza Rice's role overseeing the situation in Iraq, President Bush said that her job was to quote "help unstuck things that may get stuck. That's the best way to put it. She's an unsticker." Really? That's the best way to put it? An "unsticker"? You're the president, you can take a few more minutes if you feel - no? You're going to go with unsticker? Alright. Condoleezza Rice: Unsticker.

Tina Fey: Well Halloween is over for most people. Here with her review on this year's Halloween is Drunk Girl.

Drunk Girl: Hahahaha! Trick or Treat! Smell my feet you guys. This year I was Cat Woman - meow! Because all of my other costumes are currently being used as evidence. What are you guys dressed as? Local news blue's clues, blue's clues? Anyway, I thought this Halloween could be a lot better for a lot of reasons but then I forgot all of them but now I remember like two of them. Number one: there should be more variety in the treats people give to you. It's always Snickers, and candy corn and Reese's pieces peanut butter pieces, and of all the houses I went to, not one of them gave me a grilled cheese sandwich, which is what I really wanted. And I got to say something to Phil. Phil I'm sorry I didn't come to your party but you didn't call my cell phone - make sure you call the right number and (garbled) bottom line - you don't even know me. I also got something to say to Jimmy. (climbs up on desk) Do you like m&m's, Jimmy?

Jimmy Fallon: They're my favorite actually.

Drunk Girl: Good. Cause I saved a bunch for you. (Unzips costume and spills candy all over the desk)

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah. I think you forgot a blue one over there.

Drunk Girl: That's not an m&m, Jimmy.

Tina Fey: Ewwwww! Drunk Girl, everyone! (Drunk Girl falls off desk)

Jimmy Fallon: Gary Turner, an Englishman, set a record for having 153 clothespins attached to his face. This explains his nickname "the human idiot".

Rod Roddy, the announcer on the game show The Price is Right, famous for his line, "come on down," passed away Monday. But I'd like to think that Rod Roddy is continuing to shout his signature phrase for all eternity, nestled warmly at the right hand of Satan.

Rod Roddy, dead this week at the age of ah - lets see 60 - (audience starts to shout out numbers) What? My brother-in-law says 64. Five? Four? What I can't hear? I'm going to go with my wife and say 66. (ding ding ding) Yes I won! (Gets up and starts dancing around)

Tina Fey: Come on! That is a real guy! That's a real guy that died. Come on.

Jimmy Fallon: Sorry.

Tina Fey: The Lakers fined Kobe Bryant this week after he insulted teammate Shaquille O'Neal, calling him "child-like, unprofessional, selfish, fat and jealous." Bryant then added, "and you know what else? Shaq couldn't rape his way out of a wet paper bag!"

Jimmy Fallon: This week a video tape came to light documenting a lavish party in Sardinia thrown by the chairman of Tyco Dennis Koslowski, using over 2 million dollars in embezzled funds. Among the party's many extravagances were dancers dressed like Roman Gods, a giant ice sculpture that dispensed vodka out of its penis, and perhaps strangest of all, a private one-hour concert by Jimmy Buffett for which he was paid a quarter of a million dollars. Here to offer an insiders perspective on the party, Jimmy Buffett, himself ladies and gentlemen.

Jimmy Buffett: Hey! How you doing Jimmy?

Jimmy Fallon: Hey. How's it going man? I'm doing all right. Good to see you. Uh.

Jimmy Buffett: Good to see you man.

Jimmy Fallon: It sounds like a lot of crazy stuff was going on at that party. You want to tell me about it?

Jimmy Buffett: Hey man, if that party was crazy, I don't want to be sane. All the folks out there in parrot head nation know what I'm talking about. Sqwaack. Polly wants to party! Aww man but it was pretty nuts. In fact, I wrote a song about it. Check this out.

(Margaritaville)
"Got a call from my agent Marty
To play some rich dude's party
In Sardinia, just farting around
Wasting 2 million dollars on exploding tittie cakes
Drinking vodka out of some ice sculpture's prong
Some people say that we're a bunch of creeps
They might be right, Jimmy
I repeat I was drinking vodka out of an ice sculpture's prong."

Jimmy Fallon: Come on, that doesn't even fit. That didn't even fit where it's supposed to fit.

Jimmy Buffett: It's vamp. You vamp.

Jimmy Fallon: It's called vamp?

Jimmy Buffett: It's called vamp. Man Jimmy, you gotta relax, bro. You gotta put your mind on the beach, my man. Key West! Ah man you got one hand on a frozen margarita, and the other one crammed down your paisley swim trunks.

Jimmy Fallon: See I don't understand.

Jimmy Buffett: Just starring out at the ocean watching the dolphins play grab-ass with each other.

Jimmy Fallon: How do dolphins play grab-ass with each other?

Jimmy Buffett: Not now, bro bro.

Jimmy Fallon: When?

Jimmy Buffett: You wanna hear another song about this crazy party? Well hear you go.

Jimmy Fallon: You didn't give me a chance to answer.

Jimmy Buffett:
(Margaritaville)
"Muscle dudes wearing togas
Getting high with Hulk Hogan
Putting jalapeño poppers up monkey's ass
Wasting away in Sardinia
Woke up in a hot tub full of chile con carne
Some people say I was also pretty heavily drugged
Yes I was, Jimmy! I don't remember a thing."

Jimmy Fallon: That sounds awful. Well you probably -- (Buffett does a flourish at the end of his song) You're having a good time.

Jimmy Buffett: I call that the slide

Jimmy Fallon: What's that called?

Jimmy Buffett: I call it the slide and pick

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah - nothing came out there but that's alright

Jimmy Buffett: Again Jimmy, I know man. Listen, I don't remember a lot of that party. A lot of really crazy stuff went down. Kinda passed out, but when I woke up, I had a tattoo of an eagle on the back of my scalp and someone had written a third song about the party on the back of my god damn head. Do you believe that?

Jimmy Fallon: You're right, you're right. I see it.

Jimmy Buffett: And luckily I read music you know.

Jimmy Fallon: Luckily you remembered it as well

Jimmy Buffett: They wrote it backwards so I can look in the mirror and go 'oh hey, this is a good tune, this is a good tune'. So here it is. This is the third song.

Jimmy Fallon: Aren't we lucky!

Jimmy Buffett:
(Margaritaville)
"Smoking a whole lot of feline laxatives
I threw a midget into a swimming pool
Some people say that he almost drowned
I think he may have, Jimmy.
Embezzling money is cool --"

Jimmy Fallon: Get out of here. Jimmy Buffett, everybody. For Weekend Update, I'm Andre "Ice Cold" 3000.

Jimmy Tina Fey: And I'm Big Boi. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.


Submitted by: Adagio216


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