Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 5




03e: Andy Roddick / Dave Matthews

20/20

Barbara Walters.....Rachel Dratch
Martha Stewart.....Amy Poehler

Announcer: We now return to "20/20" - Barbara Walters' exclusive interview with Martha Stewart.

[ dissolve to Barbara Walters interviewing Martha Stewart ]

Barbara Walters: Martha, why do you think everyone hates you?

Martha Stewart: I don't think people hate me. They may envy my lifestyle..

Barbara Walters: Oh no, no, Martha.. [ in a whisper ] People hate you!

Martha Stewart: I think the people you think hate me don't actually know me. They have --

Barbara Walters: [ interrupting ] Ohhhhh, they know you - and they hate you! I'm not just talking about your employees, either. Your mother.. your daughter.. the paperboy.. that cameraman over there. [ points to Martha's cameraman ]

Martha Stewart: [ looks directly into the camera ] Do you hate me? [ camera nods "Yes" ]

Barbara Walters: Everyone says you are a real.. "piece of work!"

Martha Stewart: Well, Barbara.. calling someone a "piece of work" is different from hating them.

Barbara Walters: Hmmm.. I was paraphrasing, Martha. The people we spoke to did use the word "Hate"! As well as the words "She-Devil", "Control Freak", "Screw", "Fiend", "Harpee", and "Darth Vadar With Highlights." One person went so far as to call you a real "C U Next Tuesday."

Martha Stewart: [ confused ] I.. I don't know what that expression means..

Barbara Walters: It's not good. Believe me! They also called you "Demon Spawn", "Bee-otch", "Castrating Whoreball", "Conniving Monster", "A greedy old hag", "A heartless egomaniac", "an ass ache", and one person called you a "Full-Blown Loonie Bird!"

Martha Stewart: Barbara, if I were a man.. people would be applauding my behavior, not trying to put me in jail.

Barbara Walters: If you were a man.. I'd be all over you like butter on beans! But you are not a man! You are a woman. And a hateful one at that. Described by some as: "A tyrannical bully".. "A Poor Man's Eva Braun".. "A N utcracker".. "A Nutbuster".. "A Screaming Banshee".. "The Blonde Medusa".. and, in an open letter from your shareholders in the Wall Street Journal --

Martha Stewart: Please don't read that, Martha. I'm crying now. You're making me cry.

Barbara Walters: [ ignoring Martha ] They call you, possibly the most hateful expletive I've ever seen.. in print.

Martha Stewart: Barbara, I'm weeping right now. I'm weeping, you're making me cry.. I'm very, very emotional.

Barbara Walters: They say: "We wish Martha Stewart would jump off her own "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!"


SNL Transcripts