03e: Andy Roddick / Dave Matthews
Battle of the Sexes II
Venus Williams.....Finesse Mitchell
Serena Williams.....Kenan Thompson
Billie Jean King.....Fred Armisen
Bud Collins.....Darrell Hammond
[open on event hall exterior with placard: International Tennis Hall of Fame]
[dissolve to interior with podium, and Williams sisters in evening gowns]
Venus Williams: And so, that is why my sister Serena [gestures towards Serena, accidentally touching her breast] and I--Ooh, sorry hon--are here tonight to honor a woman whose historic battle of the sexes match against Bobby Riggs made her one of the most important pioneers in women's tennis.
Serena Williams: Yes.
Venus Williams: Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Billie Jean King!
[Williams sisters step down from poidum and Billie Jean King steps up]
Billie Jean King: Thank you, thank you, thank you. [suddenly louder and harsher] All right, enough! It's true that we are here to honor the thirtieth anniversary of me crushing Bobby Riggs in the Battle of the Sexes and what that did for women's tennis. That is why today I am officially announcing the Battle of the Sexes II! [pounds twice on the podium] I hereby challenge the number one men's tennis player in the world, Andy Roddick, to a best of three sets tennis match, and I intend to win. Now where's Roddick? Bring him on.
[Andy Roddick stands from his seat at the head table]
Andy Roddick: I'm sorry, Miss King, did you say you wanted to play me?
Billie Jean King: What's the matter, Roddick, you chicken? Roddick's a little chicken. You gonna go home to your mommy and cry? [makes crying sounds followed by chicken sounds]
Andy Roddick: I'm not a chicken. Listen, why how about you play Jimmy Connors? That might be a bit fairer.
Billie Jean King: Yeah, no dice, Clay Aiken. Me and Connors had a little thing at the '74 Wimbledon after-party. Things got awkward. It's a whole deal. Anyway, the point is this: You and me, sundown, Arthur Ashe Stadium, be there.
Andy Roddick: I guess I have no choice.
Billie Jean King: Yeah, you don't!
[dissolve to exterior of Arthur Ashe Statium with banner: "Battle of the Sexes II"]
[dissolve to Bud Collins and John McEnroe at a commentator's table]
Bud Collins: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to Arthur Ashe Stadium, site of Battle of the Sexes II. I'm Bud Collins. With me as always, John McEnroe. John, what do you think?
John McEnroe: Well, Bud, I think this is probably one of the worst ideas I've ever heard in my life. You get Andy Roddick, [dissolve to Roddick on the court, stretching in a standard manner, with title: "Andy Roddick, #1 world ranking"] men's number one, twenty one years old, world record holder for fastest serve at 149 miles per hour. And on the other side you got Billie Jean King, [dissolve to Billie Jean King doing jumping jacks and turning around in circles, with title: "Billie Jean King, 60 year old Indigo Girl"] a sixty year old Indigo Girl with a racket. [dissolve to sportscasters] Now this can't possibly end well.
Bud Collins: Well said, my friend. Simply a terrible, terrible idea. Looks like the two are meeting at center court.
[dissolve to center court with Billie Jean King, Andy Roddick, and a man with a coin]
Man: Call it. [flips coin]
Andy Roddick: Heads.
[man catches coin, flips it onto the back of his hand, turns to Andy Roddick, and nods]
Andy Roddick: Miss King, we really don't have to do this.
Billie Jean King: Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, we're doing this.
[the players take their positions on opposite sides of the court]
[Andy Roddick serves to Billie Jean King, who flinches away from the ball]
Billie Jean King: Is that all you got? Come on! My ninety eight year old grandmother could do better than that!
[Andy Roddick serves again, and it hits Billie Jean King on the butt]
Billie Jean King: Aaaaah! What the F, man?! You can't just--you gotta tell me!
[Andy Roddick serves again, and it hits Billie Jean King]
[instrumental music starts: "Eye of the Tiger"]
Billie Jean King: Let's see how you handle my spin serve! [serves to Andy Roddick]
[Andy Roddick returns it handily, and Billie Jean King holds up her racket in shock to find a smoking, tennis ball sized hole in it]
[teenaged girls in the audience cheer]
[Andy Roddick serves, and then Billie Jean King races around the court, grunting and clearly becoming exhausted, while Andy returns three volleys while reading a magazine, and three more while sitting in a lounge chair and enjoying a drink with a pink umbrella in it, until the ball bounces past Billie Jean King]
Billie Jean King: That was out!
[dissolve to score card: "Battle of the Sexes II," showing that Andy Roddick has beaten Billie Jean King 6-0 in the first six sets and leads her 5-0 in the seventh]
[dissolve to sportscasters]
Bud Collins: Well, we've arrived at what we hope will be the match point.
John McEnroe: There's not much to say, Bud, except for this was just a really horrible idea all-around.
Bud Collins: Andy Roddick, serving for match.
[dissolve to tennis court]
Billie Jean King: Come on, wussy! I'm wearing you down!
[Andy Roddick serves]
Andy Roddick: Sorry! Sorry.
[dissolve to sportscasters]
Bud Collins: Oh-ho, oh-ho!
John McEnroe: That looked like it hurt.
Bud Collins: Well, that should do it. Andy Roddick soundly defeats a sixty year old Billie Jean King.
John McEnroe: This is just embarassing for everyone involved.
Bud Collins: Oh, and here she comes. [Billie Jean King arrives with a tennis ball embedded in her forehead] Let's see if we can get a word in. Miss King, how do you feel?
Billie Jean King: I think I played a pretty good game. He had some bounces go his way, and what can you do. Make no mistake, though, this isn't the last you've seen of BJK. Watch your back, Roddick, I'm comin' for ya!
Bud Collins: All right, Billie Jean King. There you have it. Andy Roddick simply humiliates Billie Jean King in seven straight sets. Anything to add, John McEnroe?
John McEnroe: Well, you know, at first, I kind of felt bad for her. Now I feel like she deserved it. Fricking hopeless, this match!
Bud Collins: For John McEnroe, Bud Collins. See you tomorrow.
[dissolve to pan across cheering crowd]
[dissolve to tennis court with title: "Battle of the Sexes II"]
Submitted by: DavidK93