Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 5





03e: Andy Roddick / Dave Matthews

Tennis Talk with Time Traveling Scott Joplin

Scott Joplin.....Maya Rudolph
1992 Andre Agassi.....Seth Meyers
Andre Agassi.....Andy Roddick
Future Andre Agassi.....Will Forte

Announcer: And now: "Tennis Talk", with, your host, Time-Traveling Scott Joplin!

Scott Joplin: [ playing on the piano ] Hi. I'm Scott Joplin.. the father of ragtime, and frequent time-traveler. If there's one thing I've learned from traveling through time, it's that I love professional tennis. That's why I host this show.. every week. Today, I'm especially thrilled, because I have with me three of the greatest tennis players of all time.

Our first guest: eight-time grand slam winner - please welcome Andre Agassi. [ plays ragtime on the piano as Agassi (with shaved head) enters and sits ]

Our next guest has just won his first Wimbledon - please welcome Andre Agassi from the year 1992. [ plays ragtime on the piano as 1992 Agassi ( with blond mullet and earring) enters and sits ]

And our final guest: tennis Hall-of-Famer and Ambassador to Neptune - Andre Agassi of the future. [ plays ragtime on the piano as Future Agassi (in futuristic silver clothing and long hair) enters and sits ]

Let's start with you, '92 Agassi. What's new with you?

1992 Andre Agassi: [ chuckles ] Well, things are pretty great! I just won Wimbledon.. I'm dating Brooke Shields.. and I'm doing these pretty awesome commercials for Canon Cameras!

Scott Joplin: That's great. By the way, Patrick Swayze called - he wants his hair back. [ pounds his version of a rimshot on the piano ] How about you, Present-Day Andre Agassi - what's going on with you?

Andre Agassi: I'm really excited. I just had a second baby with my wife, Steffi Graf.

1992 Andre Agassi: Whoa, whoa, whoa.. what, what, what?! I did what?! I was dating Brooke Shields! What happened to Brooke Shields?!

Scott Joplin: Yeah, what happened to Brooke Shields? I don't know. Maybe she got beyond bored-a you and that cat on your head! [ pounds his version of a rimshot on the piano ] What about you, Future Agassi?

Future Andre Agassi: Well, first of all, I'm back with Brooke Shields - and her sex clone.

1992 Andre Agassi: Ye-es!

[ 1992 Agassi and Future Agassi high-five one another ]

1992 Andre Agassi: [ to Present-Day Agassi ] Suck it!

Future Andre Agassi: Also, I just returned victorious from the Great Space War. [ swings his futuristic racquet back and forth, to space sound effects ] Yes, the world's a very different place, in 2008!

Scott Joplin: Hey, Mullet Agassi - I'm looking at Future Agassi, and you still look like the freak! [ pounds his version of a rimshot on the piano ]

Andre Agassi: Joplin, I don't appreciate you picking on the '92 me! I-I was just a kid..

1992 Andre Agassi: I don't need your help, Old Man! Plus, I'm still mad about you screwing up the whole Brooke Shields thing!

Andre Agassi: Hey, remind me.. [ chuckles ] Wasn't it you who was hoking up with Barbara Streisand? I mean, come on! Barbara Streisand!

Future Andre Agassi: [ in a serious tone ] That's no way to talk about the President of the United States!

Scott Joplin: Whoa, whoa, whoa.. whose show is this? Mine? Or the Ghosts of Bad Hair Past, Bad Hair Present, and Bad Hair Future? [ pounds his version of a rimshot on the piano ] One final question: the Number One player in the world is Andy Roddick. What do you think of him? '92 Agassi?

1992 Andre Agassi: Never heard of him.

Scott Joplin: How about you, Present-Day Agassi?

Andre Agassi: Nah, he's okay.. if you like pretty boys.

Scott Joplin: Future Agassi?

Future Andre Agassi: I'll never forget what he did for our country. [ stands to yell ] Rod-diiiiiiiickkk!!

Scott Joplin: Ugh. This is worse than the time our guests were Closeted Martina Navritalova, Gay Martina Navritalova, and Mr. Martina Navritalova. [ pounds his version of a rimshot on the piano ] Well.. that's game, set and match, here on "Tennis Talk". Until our next court time, I'm Time-Traveling.. Scott Joplin.


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