Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 5




03e: Andy Roddick / Dave Matthews

Action News 13

Kendall Brown.....Will Forte
Teesa Collins.....Maya Rudolph
Jim Shepherd.....Andy Roddick

Announcer: And now for Southern Cali's most-watched newscast - Action News 13, with Kendall Brown and Teesa Collins.

[ Kendall & Teesa wait in the studio to begin the broadcast, but the music cue takes its time wrapping up ]

Kendall Brown: Good evening --

[ the music cue pots up high again, as they continue to wait it out ]

[ the music finally drowns itself out ]

Teesa Collins: Good evening, I'm --

[ a different version of the music cue starts up again, then fades ]

Kendall Brown: A rash of car thefts --

[ yet another music cue pots up again ]

[ that music cue is interrupted by a Breaking News logo, complete with its own extended music cue ]

Announcer: This is an Action News 13 Breaking News report, with Action News 13 breaking news correspondent.. Jim Shepherd.

[ cut to Jim Shepherd standing in front of Northfield Arena ]

Jim Shepherd: Ken?! Teesa?!

[ split-screen of the two locations are shown, overlapping with their two distinct musical cues ]

Kendall Brown: Jim?!

Teesa Collins: Jim?!

Jim Shepherd: Ken?!

Kendall Brown: Jim?!

Jim Shepherd: Teesa?!

Teesa Collins: Jim?!

Jim Shepherd: Can you hear me?!

Teesa Collins: Jim?!

Jim Shepherd: Teesa?!

Kendall Brown: Jim?!

Jim Shepherd: Okay! I'm just gonna do this thing!

Kendall Brown: Jim?!

Jim Shepherd: I'm standing outside the Northfield Arena, where, earlier tonight, as Bachman-Turner Overdrive played a memorable set at the annual Rockvember Music Festival, the rocking vibrations caused a water main to burst, flooding North County! Let's take a look!

[ three-way split screen shows the studio, location shoot, and archive footage of Bachman-Turner Overdrive singing "Taking Care of Business" ]

Jim Shepherd: This -- This is what the scene looked like tonight --

Teesa Collins: Jim?!

Jim Shepherd: -- before the flood!

Kendall Brown: Jim?!

Jim Shepherd: As you can see, BTO had generated quite a bit of electricity. But, check out what happened moments ago:

Teesa Collins: Jim?!

[ four-way split-screen shows the studio, location shoot, BTO footage, and color bars with "Please Stand By" written over them ]

Jim Shepherd: I guess we don't have a picture on that! Ken?! Teesa?!

Kendall Brown: Jim?!

Teesa Collins: I think we lost the feed! Do we have the feed?!

[ all the different musical cues finally come to a collective close ]

Kendall Brown: Oh.. ah.. it seems like we had some problems there.. but it looks like we're back in business!

[ the different musical cues pot right back up again, drowning Jim & Teesa out completely ]

Teesa Collins: Stay tuned for details on the President's visit to South Cali! We'll be right back!

[ fade ]


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