Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 5




03e: Andy Roddick / Dave Matthews

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

.....Jimmy Fallon
.....Tina Fey
Tim Calhoun.....Will Forte
Rosie O'Donnell.....Horatio Sanz

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it's "Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey."

Jimmy Fallon: I'm Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Here are tonight's top stories.

In the 'Rock the Boat Presidential Debate” Tuesday night, Democratic presidential candidates Howard Dean, John Edwards, and John Kerry admitted that they had smoked marijuana. While Dennis Kucinich admitted that he was “High right now.”

Barbara Walters announced the finalists to replace Lisa Ling as co-host of “The View”. They are Rachel Campos from “The Real World”, Elizabeth Hasselbeck from “Survivor 2”, and a machine that gives people splitting headaches.

Jimmy Fallon: In a speech Thursday, President Bush urged countries to modernize in caution because “Modernization is not the same as Westernazation”. Then, mentally exhausted, he collapsed into a chair.

This week, Larry King interviewed David Blaine about his recent stunt, spending forty-five days in a plexi-glass box. Viewers witnessed the sight of a haggard man, who appeared near death, plus some footage of David Blaine.

Tina Fey: CBS cancelled its mini-series on the life of Ronald Reagan after the Republican National Committee protested what it called, “historical inaccuracies”. The RNC also objected to the network's unflattering portrayal of George W. Bush, until they realized it was just a live press conference.

Jimmy Fallon: Well, this week, the Democratic candidates for president squared off in a televised debate. In the interest of equal time, please welcome independent candidate for president, Tim Calhoun, everybody.

Tim Calhoun: I am Tim Calhoun, and I am running for candidate for president for America. My candidacy is based on honesty, so there are a few things about me you should know.

(pauses to look at his cards)

I've been in jail. It's not important how many times, but if you must know, let's see, one….two…thirty-one times.

(pauses again to change cards)

There are times when I'm not gay at all. But then, there are other times, I'm so gay, it more than makes up for it.

(pauses to change cards)

Here's where I stand on the issues: I'm glad that drunk driving is illegal. When I'm drunk, I drive like crap!

(pauses to change cards)

I propose, that for scientific testing purposes, we breed a type of midget even smaller than the normal midget. We can call them, “Shetland Midgets”.

(pauses to switch cards. Much longer hesitation)

There's nothing on this card.

(pauses again to switch cards)

In conclusion, and in summary, read my lips: (lip-synchs a few sentences quickly) I think that says it all. Vote for me, Tim Calhoun, for candidate for president for America for goodbye!

(exits)

Jimmy Fallon: Tim Calhoun, everybody! Tim Calhoun for president!

Tina Fey: Good luck Tim.

According to a new study, seventy-three percent of women are ashamed of their own vaginas. And from what I've seen, they should be. (pause) The study also showed that twenty four percent of women haven't even looked at their vaginas in a year or more, only that's because Colin Farrell's head is always in the way.

Jimmy Fallon: A leading obesity researcher has developed a theory that obesity in humans may be linked to a virus…a delicious, cream-filled virus.

Kenyan runners swept the top three spots in Sunday's New York City Marathon. However, the top three spots in the Kenyan Marathon were swept by Ed Koch, George Stienbrenner, and Woody Allen.

Tina Fey: Researchers have reported that cats and ferrets can carry the SARS virus. As a result, tonight's orgy at Richard Gere's house has been cancelled.

Jimmy Fallon: (adlibs) That's like a public service announcement.

Congratulations to David Letterman, who became a father Monday, when his girlfriend gave birth to their son, Harry Joseph Letterman. And yes, it floats.

A hunter in France who kept a loaded shotgun in the back seat of his car was shot, when one of his dogs stepped on the trigger. It appeared to be an accident, but the man swears that just before the gun went off, his dog said, “Fetch this, motherf-(gun shot sound)”

Tina Fey: The last of the famous Redbird subway cars was taken out of service in New York Monday. The cars were called 'Redbird” for the fact that they were painted red, and smelled like a bird had crapped itself to death inside them!

Jimmy Fallon: Rosie O'Donnell testified this week in her legal battle with the publishers of “Rosie” magazine. Witnesses so far have portrayed Rosie as difficult and controlling, which raises the question: Who is the real Rosie O'Donnell? (glances off screen and smiles) The queen of nice talk show hosts, (begins to laugh) or the- wait for it.(pauses) Or the abusive tyrant? Now here to make her case on national television is Rosie O'Donnell, ladies and gentlemen.

Rosie O'Donnell: (sits with right profile facing Jimmy. Dressed as talk show host Rosie) Thank you, Jimmy. You're a cutie-petutie!! (pinches his cheek) Yeah!!

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, I guess so. Hey, Rosie, we keep hearing this terrible things about you. That you're always screaming and yelling. (Jimmy absolutely cracks up and is unable to finish the next couple of sentences) That's not true, right?

Rosie O'Donnell: Jimmy, you know me, I'm loud, I talk loud, I sing loud! Hey! You wanna sing one of my songs together?

Jimmy Fallon: Sure!

Tina Fey: Wait, wait, before you sing, what about the accusation, Rosie, that you told a woman with cancer that that's what happens to people who lie- they get cancer?

(Rosie spins to her left profile facing Tina. She has a short haircut and is wearing a denim button up shirt. She is also much more angry and aggressive.)

Rosie O'Donnell: Do not interrupt me, Tina Fey!! You know what happens to people who interrupt Tina? People who interrupt get the Ebola Virus!!

Tina Fey: They do?

Rosie O'Donnell: Yes! And people who talk smart get shin-splints! Now quit sluttin' it up around here and go get me a box of Ring Dings, four eyes!

Jimmy Fallon: Hey Rosie, how's your new musical going?

(Rosie spins back to her right profile to face Jimmy, going back to nice talk show host Rosie)

Rosie O'Donnell: It's fantastic, Jimmy- Jimmy Gum Drops! I'm producing a new Broadway musical called, “Taboo”. And if you look under your chair, you'll find the cast CD of it!

Jimmy Fallon: Really?

(Jimmy and Tina both look under their chairs, but only Jimmy gets a CD)

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah! Thanks Rosie, you're the best!

Tina Fey: But there's nothing under my chair, Rosie

(Rosie spins back to her left, devilish profile and backhands Tina in the face)

Rosie O'Donnell: Shut ya f'in mouth, Tina Fey! What? You think I'm gonna be nice to you 'cause we're both lesbians?!

Tina Fey: I'm just saying, I thought you'd be…

Rosie O'Donnell: Shut up! Where's my cheesy breads?

Tina Fey: What? I didn't know you wanted cheesy bread.

Rosie O'Donnell: I always want cheesy bread!

Jimmy Fallon: Here Rosie, have some of my cheesy bread.

(Rosie spins back to her nice side)

Rosie O'Donnell: Thank you, Jimmy! You're a sweety-petutie-doodie-doodie! I'm gonna buy you a PT Cruiser!

Jimmy Fallon: Awesome! Awesome! You're my favorite!

(Rosie breaks out in song- 'Don't' go Breakin' my Heart')

Rosie O'Donnell: Don't go breakin my heart!

Jimmy Fallon: I couldn't if I tried!

Tina Fey: Alright, forget this, Rosie O'Donnell, everybody…

(Rosie completely loses it and takes out Tina Fey in her chair off-screen)

Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, that was Tina Fey, and I'm Jimmy Fallon, goodnight, and have a pleasant tomorrow.


Submitted by: Blake B.


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