Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 7

03g: Rev. Al Sharpton / Pink


Ivy.....Maya Rudolph
Reggie.....Kenan Thompson
Actor #1.....Finesse Mitchell
Actor #2.....Tracy Morgan
George.....Rev. Al Sharpton
Director.....Jimmy Fallon
Assistant.....Horatio Sanz

Ivy: [ singing ]
"Last night, I had a dream about the past
The saddest thing is that old dream won't last.
I miss my home in Mississippi
Sitting on my Mammy's knee."

Backup Singers: "Myyyy Mammyyyy's kneeeee.."

Ivy: [ singing ]
"I miss her home cookin'
And all the things she meant to me."

Reggie: I miss all the things of summer! All the things my Mammy would do for me!

Actor #1: Like the time we whiled away after the work was done!

Actor #2: And the songs we sat around and sang!

George: But I truly miss the simple things:

Reggie: Fried chicken!

Actor #1: Watermelon!

Actor #2: I miss being shiftless and lazy!

George: [confused with his lines] "I miss shooting dice at a whorehouse on payday.."?

Director's Voice: Cut and print! Cut and print!

[ end black-and-white film production, actors now in real-time ]

George: Say.. did that seem a little --

Reggie: Stale? I agree. I had that same line in a movie last year.

Director: Well.. we don't write 'em, we just shoot 'em. Okay, let's move on!

Assistant: Movin' on, everybody!

Director: Is that okay with you, Ivy?

[ cut to a crew of white male actors are around Ivy, laughing, while Ivy is smoking a cigarette from a cigarette holder ]

Ivy: [ in an Edith Bunker-esque voice ] Whatever you say, Mike!

[ the black actors turn their attention to Ivy ]

Director: [ snapping at the other actors ] Hey! Don't look at her, fellas! She's the star of this picture, okay?! [ to his Assistant ] Tell 'em to dim the lights!

Assistant: Dim the lights!

Director: Okay, roll camera! Mark it! Mark it!

Assistant: Scene 11.. Scene 2! [ marks scene, exits ]

Director: Okay, everybody! This is the part where you're big heroes, okay? Now, uh, you're gonna rescue, uh, Ivy from Dr. Abercrombie's mansion, okay? And.. action! [ exits ]

[ black-and-white film production resumes ]

George: Listen, here's the plan: we're gonna have to sneak out the back of the theater, and through the graveyard to rescue Ivy.

Actor #2: [ shaking ferociously, scared ] Oh, I ain't sneakin' through no graveyard! Nooooooooo way! Those bones be dancin'! That'll be the end of the finish fo' me!

[George, disgusted with Actor #2ís line, walks away]

[ Reggie and Actor #1, holding candles and shaking, step backwards not knowing they're about to bump into one another ]

Reggie: Who there?!

Actor #1: Me there!

Reggie: Who that say "Me there"?!

Actor #1: Me say "Me there!"

Reggie: Who say "Me say 'Me there'"?!

Actor #1: I say "Me say 'Me there!'"

[George appears between Actor #1 and Reggie]

Reggie: Why, I don't know what I'm gonna do about it, but my feets sure know what they gonna do about it! Feets! Do your stuff!

[ they start running in place, George has had enough of their performance]

George: [ fed up with the act ] Alright! That's it! That's it!

Director's Voice: Cut! Cut! That was fantastic! Cut!

[ end black-and-white film production, actors now in real-time ]

George: [appalled by the performance from Reggie and Actor #1] Do you know anybody who speaks like that, Reggie?!

Reggie: [ meekly ] Uh.. no. not really..

George: And the rest of this stuff is stereotypes! We shouldnít be perpetrating these stereotypes! Itís 1935!

Actor #1: Well, I need this job. I have 36 children to feed.

George: Well, that's another stereotype! But, we'll deal with that later! We cannot do this script as written!

Director: Uh, maybe you're right, George. Take five while we figure this out, okay? [ to Assistant ] Tell 'em to take five!

Assistant: Take five, everybody! [Assistant and Director leave]

George: We should just quit right now!

Actor #2: Quit?! They told me that, if I did good in this movie, they'd have a part for me shining Clark Gable's shoes!

George: In which movie?

Actor #2: No movie! He just leaves his shoes outside his trailer!

George: Guys, just forget it!

[ Ivy brings herself closer to the guys ]

Ivy: Guys, maybe George has a point!

[ the guys are all excited ]

Guys: Ivy!!

Ivy: We've taken this kind of treatment for too long! The only way we're ever going to be treated as equals, is if we stand together and say, "No more!"

George: Ivy's right! Who's with me?!

Reggie: Well.. I am!

Actor #1: And I am.

Actor #2: And I am!

Ivy: And.. I am!

George: [ putting his foot down ] No women.

[ Sharpton and the cast members end the scene to address the audience directly ]

Rev. Al Sharpton: We all had a little fun, with this jokey little skit - but, you know what? There's still a lot of work to do to end racism!

Maya Rudolph: And sexism.

Rev. Al Sharpton: [ dismissively ] Okay, we getcha. [ to the audience ] But I wish you would think about what you've just seen. Not just the watermelon or the fried chicken part --

Tracy Morgan: -- And how all blacks only smoke Newports, eat barbecued potato chips, and drink grape Kool-Aid.

Al Sharpton: We never mentioned that.

Tracy Morgan: Oh, Iím sorry.

Al Sharpton: Luckily, we've come a long way since those old, bad days. Meanwhile -- [a stagehand hands Sharpton a tribal mask and a spear while another stagehand wheels out a cauldron with Will Forte, dressed as a British game hunter, inside of it] -- wait 'til you see this next sketch.

Tracy Morgan: [ excited ] It's hi-lar-i-ous! [ laughs uproariously while Sharpton looks at the props in horror]

[ scene fades ]

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