Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 9




03i: Jennifer Aniston / Black Eyed Peas

Britney Spears Wedding

Britney Spears.....Jennifer Aniston
Jason Alexander.....Jimmy Fallon
Minister.....Rachel Dratch

("Oops, I Did It Again" plays over shots of People magazine with the headline "Is She Over the Edge? Britney's wild wedding, her furious family, what really happened--and what's next", Star magazine: Britney Gets Hitchneyed! Her Mystery Grows, Why She Did It, Her Family's Reaction, Her Quickie Annulment, Us Weekly: Britney Spears: Out of control. New shocking wedding details. All night partying. Public tears. Why pop's former good girl is suddenly so bad, and AOL's welcome screen: What Was She Thinking?)

(Sweeping shot of Las Vegas with a super: "Las Vegas, New Year's Eve 2003")

(Shot of Britney drinking and Jason, both sitting on a couch)

Britney Spears: Well, this is fun.

Jason Alexander: Yeah, hotels are fun. Las Vegas is fun. Yeah, you and I get along good.

Britney Spears: Oh my God, I know!

Jason Alexander: You mean that?

Britney Spears: Yeah, I do!

Jason Alexander: Really?

Britney Spears: Yeah, I mean it!

Jason Alexander: I mean, you really mean that?

Britney Spears: Oh, I mean it!

Jason Alexander: For real?

Britney Spears: For real!

(Time elapses while "Oops" plays)

(Two hours later, Britney is lying on the couch, Jason is still sitting)

Jason Alexander: You really, really mean that?

Britney Spears: I mean it, I mean it, I mean it, I mean it. You sooo get me.

Jason Alexander: What do you like best about me?

Britney Spears: Well, um, I like that we both like to drink peach snots. Oh my God! Did you hear what I just said?

Jason Alexander: You said the wrong word!

Britney Spears: I said the wrong word! I said peach snots and I meant snot, shot, schnapps! That's what I meant! (Jason laughs) Oh my God, I can't believe I said that!

Jason Alexander: You said the word you didn't plan on saying! You said a different word all together.

Britney Spears: Oh, that's so funny! I can't breathe, that's so funny! (she rolls on the couch laughing and her Von Dutch baseball cap falls off) Wait, I lost my hat and everything!

Jason Alexander: You've gotta have the Von Dutch.

Britney Spears: I have to have it. Come on then.

Jason Alexander: Hey, call, that was funny stuff!

Britney Spears: I've gotta call someone. Let me call someone.

Jason Alexander: You said the wrong word out of your mouth that you thought was something else!

Britney Spears: Oh, that's too funny! Come on. (tries to dial her cell phone) Oh, no, I can't--I can't even focus, I can't even dial. I'm laughing too, I'm laughing--no! (falls off the couch)

(time elapses as "Oops" plays)

(Five minutes later, they're both sitting on the couch. Britney is smoking, Jason is drinking.)

(time elapses as "Oops" plays)

(One hour later, they're making out on the couch.)

Britney Spears: Mmm, I'm so, I'm so, I'm so --

Jason Alexander: Wait, wait, I've got a surprise for you.

Britney Spears: What?

Jason Alexander: I found your teeth-whitening gum! (pulls gum out of back pocket)

Britney Spears: What? You did, where?

Jason Alexander: Under the mini-bar.

Britney Spears: You found my teeth-whitening gum! (laughter)

Jason Alexander: Under the mini-bar, I found them earlier.

Britney Spears: Oh, and I thought I'd lost it forever.

Jason Alexander: Yeah, I guess I found it.

Britney Spears: Oh, my God. Y'all, come on. (gasps) This is a sign. Y'all, let's get married.

(Jason looks confused) (laughter)

(Time elapses as "Oops" plays)

(Five minutes later, they're at a wedding chapel, holding hands.)

Minister: I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may.. kiss the bride.

(Jason and Britney smile and then make out. Britney breaks off the kiss.)

Britney Spears: Oh, did you just burp?

Jason Alexander: No, I think I'd know if I burped!

Britney Spears: Oh, y'all, you just burped on my wedding kiss! You are so gross!

(One second elapses while we hear "Oops!")

(Britney has her arms crossed)

Britney Spears: I want an annulment. (laughter)

Minister: I need an aspirin.

Jason Alexander: But baby, you're my melody!

(Spears' "I'm Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman" plays)

Britney Spears: Jason, Jason, you've changed. You burped. I can try to get past it, but-but it's obvious that your brain is just a little younger than mine. Now, can anybody please just tell me where there's a good after-hours club in Vegas, ‘cause this place sucks! (walks off)

Jason Alexander: Kentwood High School football rules!

(Minister nods at him politely) (cheers and applause)


Submitted by: Joy


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