Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 9

This free script provided by

03i: Jennifer Aniston / Black Eyed Peas

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

.....Jimmy Fallon
.....Tina Fey
Steve Irwin.....Jeff Richards
O.J. Simpson.....Finesse Mitchell
Phil Spector.....Fred Armisen
Robert Blake.....Darrell Hammond
.....Al Franken

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it's "Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey."

Jimmy Fallon: I'm Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Here are tonight's top stories.

This week secretary of state Colin Powell admitted that there is no direct link between Saddam Hussein and Al-Kyda. So let that be a warning world leaders, if you have no direct link to Al-Kyda we will get you.

This week Steve Irwin drew criticism when he held his month old son in his arm while hand feeding a chicken to a crocodile. Not to be outdone, Michael Jackson tossed ‘Blanket’ into a shark tank.

On Friday president Bush announced details of his plan to send a man to the moon. Bush told reporters that to guarantee success of the mission we will only send the astronauts up there when it’s a full moon.

Jimmy Fallon: That’s pretty good… guarantee success.

Last week Britney Spears married Jason Alexander. In a related story, Christina Aguilera 69’ed Newman.

Insiders say that Spears’ weekend marriage to her friend was the result of a prank that went too far. But honestly, what marriage isn’t?

Madonna has announced that she is backing democratic presidential candidate Wesley Clark. This should give Clark the much needed boost in the Porte Rican Backup Dancer vote.

Former Senator Bill Bradley of New Jersey endorsed Howard Dean for president this week. Bradley said he is endorsing Dean because they share many of the same qualities, for example: neck fat.

Tina Fey: As we mentioned before, Steve Irwin…

Jimmy Fallon: The crocodile hunter?

Tina Fey: Yes, the crocodile hunter made headlines when he fed a chicken to a crocodile when holding his one month old baby. Here to defend his behavior is Steve Irwin…

Jimmy Fallon: The crocodile hunter?

Tina Fey: Yes.

Steve Irwin: (holding a chicken in a diaper) G’day Tina. Well frankly, I don’t know what all the fuss is about. I know what I’m doing; I know how to feed crocs, and I know how to take care of my baby. In fact, I fed a chicken to a croc while holding my baby not 5 minutes ago. (Long pause from Jimmy and Tina) 5 minutes ago!!

Jimmy Fallon: Does that chicken have a diaper on it?

Steve Irwin: What chick… (He looks at the chicken and gasps) OH CRICKEY! Hang on junior, fight him off! I’m coming! (He runs away)

Tina Fey: Oh… the crocodile hunter everybody…

Jimmy Fallon: Steve Irwin?

Tina Fey: Steve Irwin! The crocodile hunter!

Jimmy Fallon: Wow…

Portland Brewing Company has released a new beer called "Governator" which they say is a tribute to California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger. The beer is made from ingredients that are in now way qualified to be in a beer.

A Florida man announced plans to open the world’s first Christian nudist colony. The motto will be ‘Jesus look at those jugs…’

Lawyers for David Gest charged that Liza Minnelli has a medical condition that she hid from her former husband. David the vagina is not a condition.

Jimmy Fallon: Tina… are you sure?

Tina Fey: Its not… it’s not a condition.

Jimmy Fallon: Oh wow, ladies and gentleman we have a very special tonight on Update. We’re not sure why he’s here but we felt we couldn’t say no. Ladies and gentleman please, O.J Simpson!

O.J Simpson: Hey, hey! Hey everybody its me, the juice! Haha… hey, thanks for inviting me.

Jimmy Fallon: Oh yeah, no problem.

O.J Simpson: Now earlier this week Pete Rose admitted for the first time that he bet on the game of baseball so that he could become a member in the ‘Baseball Hall Of Fame’. I’ve always wanted to become a member of the ‘Football Hall Of Fame’ so I decided to come clean about something from my past that I have been lying about for a very long time.

Jimmy Fallon: Now wait, O.J this is a big deal are you sure you want to do this?

O.J Simpson: Oh absolutely Jimmy. Anyway, on June 12th 1994, I was feeling very upset about my wife, so I got into my Bronco, put on my glove, I drove across town, and with the rage surging inside of me…

Jimmy Fallon: Now hang on, O.J before you do this, you know that you’re already in the ‘Football Hall Of Fame’ right? You were inducted in 1985.

O.J Simpson: (thinks for a second) Oh yeah, your right!! I am in the ‘Football Hall Of Fame’. Fantastic, okay. Umm… yeah, forget it.

(Phil Spector approaches next to O.J Simpson)

Jimmy Fallon: Oh my god, Phil Spector, what’s going on?

Phil Spector: I got a question, hold on for a second. I was just wondering, uh… am I in the ‘Rock n Roll Hall Of Fame’ already?

Jimmy Fallon: Are you kidding? Of course you are, you're definitely in it. You're one of the best.

Phil Spector: Oh, great. Thanks just wanted to know.

(Robert Blake with a bird on his shoulder appears and stands next to Jimmy)

Robert Blake: Hey wait a minute can I ask a question?

Jimmy Fallon: Robert Blake, what are you… uh, this is insane they showed up this evening… nice parrot.

Robert Blake: Thanks a lot. Hey wait a minute; does anyone here know if they have a ‘Hall of Fame’ for actors?

Jimmy Fallon: No, they don’t.

Robert Blake: Terrific, then that’s the name of that tune.

Jimmy Fallon: Alright take it easy, thank you very much. 3 alleged murderers everybody!! 3 alleged murderers…

Actress Kate Hudson gave birth to a baby boy in Los Angeles on Wednesday finally bringing and end to her 29 month pregnancy.

Tina Fey: It just seemed like its been a long time, that’s all I’m saying.

A 7 year old boy in Cheboygan, Wisconsin had to be rescued by a locksmith this past weekend after getting stuck of a supermarket toy machine. And so begins Michael Jackson’s most recent letter to Penthouse.

The New York City animal control department is giving the Mercian Milan Bit Pit-bull a public relations make over by naming them ‘New Yorkies’. So remember, it’s a New Yorkie, not a pit-bull that’s eating your child’s face.

Tina Fey: Well to support our troops Weekend Update has sent our one man mobile uplink unit Al Franken to Iraq. It’s just after 8am now in Baghdad, and Al is there right now with two of our brave servicemen. Can you hear me Al?

Al Franken: Yes Tina, I’m here in Baghdad, as you can see we’re at the airport base and look around a little bit there, its day light here with an 8 hour time difference. As always I’m here with my 1.3 meter parabolic antenna beaming the signal a satellite with geosynchronous orbit 23,000 miles about Easter Island and then on to you at 30 Rockefeller Plaza. Now, with me are 2 troops, 2 soldiers who have been here an awful long time. To my right is (footage blurs our briefly) Tammy Gonzales. His wife gave birth 3 days ago. It’s a beautiful baby girl who he hasn’t had a chance to talk to, and he’d like to do it right here on national television. (The footage blurs out briefly again)

Military guy 1: Hey baby… (The footage cuts out nearly fully, and the screen can’t be seen or heard)

Tina Fey: Al, Al? We lost the feed there Al. We can’t hear the… (The picture comes back)

Al Franken: I don’t know about you Tina but that was one of the most beautiful things I have ever heard…

Tina Fey: We didn’t hear it!! Al!!

Al Franken: (continuing anyway) And here to my left is… what?

Tina Fey: We couldn’t hear Corporal Gonzales. We didn’t hear it.

Al Franken: (to military guy 1) They didn’t hear you. (to the camera) Basically what Corporal Gonzales said was that he loves his wife… name I can’t remember. And that, uh… his heart is full… or something… of that nature. And to my left is Private Chris, and I won’t move this time. And this Private Chris Sanders, his wife also just gave birth to a baby boy.

Military Guy 2: (shocked) What? That’s impossible, I’ve been out here for a year.

Tina Fey: Oh boy.

Al Franken: Oh… yeah, well anyway, she gave birth to a beautiful, healthy, 8lbs 3oz black baby boy.

Military guy 2: What? That bitch!

Al Franken: The same is to Sean

Military guy 2: I’m gonna kill her…

Al Franken:… Congratulations.

Military guy 2: I can’t believe this, what a whore.

Tina Fey: Al! Ask him his wife’s name we might have the wrong guy.

Al Franken: Hey, is your wife’s name Leticia?

Military guy 2: No, its Abby. I’m gonna kill her.

Al Franken: Oh… well, this is Al Franken in Baghdad, doing my best to boost moral.

Military guy 2: Oh, I knew it that bitch!

Al Franken: Of our young men and women here in fighting in harms way. Back to you Tina. DOES ANYONE HERE KNOW PRIVATE SANDERS? A BLACK PRIVATE SANDERS! HIS WIFE HAD A BABY!

Military guy 2: Oh, what a whore.

Tina Fey: Al Franken! Our one man mobile uplink unit via satellite from Baghdad.

Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow.

(Jimmy Fallon throws the pencil and the camera fades out)

Submitted by: Roseanne S.

SNL Transcripts