Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 10

03j: Jessica Simpson & Nick Lachey / G-Unit

Victoria's Secrets

Melody.....Jessica Simpson
Phil.....Nick Lachey
Aunt.....Maya Rudolph
Damien.....Kenan Thompson

[Set at a Victoria Secretís. Melody is folding clothes]

Phil: (enters, carrying a see through plastic female body mannequin) Hey Melody, just wanted to say you're doing a great job. We're psyched to have you on board the Victoria Secrets team.

Melody: Thanks Phil

Phil: And by the way, looking good (lightly touches her ass)

Melody: Thanks Phil (trying to brush it off)

Phil: Looking real good

Melody: (annoyed) Thanks Phil

Phil: You know I'm straight right?

Melody: Yes Phil

Phil: Oh, uh...(he begins to whisper something to her and walks off.)

[Enter old woman with nephew]

Aunt: Hello, I am looking for a sales clerk

Melody: Yes, can I help you find something?

Damien: Yeah, uh, my aunt needs some new underwear

Aunt: I need some new drawers cause Iím going to a sleepover function

Melody: Okay, we've got some pretty panties

Damien: Okay, Iíll be back in a minute, Iím gonna go to the apple store

Aunt: Ah uh. Damien, we got apples at home. You just stay here in case someone tries to snatch me.

Melody: Uh, what kind of style do you like? We have French cut panties, bikini cut panties

Aunt: I wanna make something clear from the get go. I am only interested in purchasing undergarments that cover up my business.

Melody: These are from are very sexy collection. they're really great because theyíre very comfy and very sexy too

Aunt: Young woman, I've got but one question. Do these drawers cover up your business?

Melody: Well, it depends on what you mean by business

Aunt: My parky butt. My nana. My nick nak. My moosey goosey.

Damien: Alright

Aunt: My hotdog warmer. My nook and cranny. My sugar bowl. My peppermint patty

Melody: I think I get it. You don't want a thong

Aunt: Is that the kind that go under your jungle book and up out through your biscuits

Melody: Yeah

Aunt: No thank you

Phil: Hi maíam. Can I help you with anything?

Damien: Just help her find some granny panties please. I mean her size is big and square

Phil: Uh actually ma'am, you can actually find what your looking for at Sears intimate apparel or Montgomery Ward

Aunt: What hot shot? You don't think I'm woman enough to shop up in here? Let me ask you a question, have you ever seen a real woman? (Turns her back to the audience and opens her coat) Check that out, you ever seen something like these! What about these! And take a look at that thing, that thing will blow your mind!

Phil: Uh Melody, if you wouldn't mind take care of these nice people please? I'm gonna take a Pepcid AC and try to forget what just happened

Melody: Okay. Uh, well these are some French cut panties. There really cute holding up undies with a cherry pattern.

Aunt: Damien baby, help me try these on

Damien: The lady will help you. The dressing room is right over there

Aunt: Nu uh, I'm gonna try them on right here in front of God and everybody. I don't have any secrets. Victoria does

[Damien gets down and helps her try on the panties.]

Aunt: Lets go baby, one leg at a time. There you go, and the other one. Open up them golden gates. Pull her up. There we go. Allieo. Allieo. Allieo. Allieo. And binga. Okay, this is cool. Now these here cover up my woodchuck.

Melody: Great, can I ring those up for you?

Aunt: Na baby, I'm ah keep them on. You can just aim that scan gun thing up underneath my housecoat. But baby, shoot that laser beam away from my business. I don't want it to get all fried up.


Aunt: There you go

Melody: Uhh, that will be $14 dollars and .94 cents

Aunt: What? For just one pair of old drawers? Oh no, you can keep these! (Starts to take them off but Damien stops her)

Damien: Ahh, I'll pay for it, it's alright

Aunt: Oh, my sweet nephew's gonna pay for my drawers. Somebody gonna get a pretzel today! Come on baby, let's go. Thank you! [They exit]

[Phil enters]

Phil: Wow Melody, big ups on handling that costumer. You know, youíre a real classy lady!

Melody: Phil, don't try to get up in (as the old lady) my moosey goosey

[Applause while fade screen to black]

Submitted by: Vanessa

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