03j: Jessica Simpson & Nick Lachey / G-Unit
[Set at a Victoria Secretís. Melody is folding clothes]
Phil: (enters, carrying a see through plastic female
body mannequin) Hey Melody, just wanted to say you're
doing a great job. We're psyched to have you on board
the Victoria Secrets team.
Melody: Thanks Phil
Phil: And by the way, looking good (lightly touches
Melody: Thanks Phil (trying to brush it off)
Phil: Looking real good
Melody: (annoyed) Thanks Phil
Phil: You know I'm straight right?
Melody: Yes Phil
Phil: Oh, uh...(he begins to whisper something to her
and walks off.)
[Enter old woman with nephew]
Aunt: Hello, I am looking for a sales clerk
Melody: Yes, can I help you find something?
Damien: Yeah, uh, my aunt needs some new underwear
Aunt: I need some new drawers cause Iím going to a
Melody: Okay, we've got some pretty panties
Damien: Okay, Iíll be back in a minute, Iím gonna go
to the apple store
Aunt: Ah uh. Damien, we got apples at home. You just
stay here in case someone tries to snatch me.
Melody: Uh, what kind of style do you like? We have
French cut panties, bikini cut panties
Aunt: I wanna make something clear from the get go. I
am only interested in purchasing undergarments that
cover up my business.
Melody: These are from are very sexy collection.
they're really great because theyíre very comfy and
very sexy too
Aunt: Young woman, I've got but one question. Do these
drawers cover up your business?
Melody: Well, it depends on what you mean by business
Aunt: My parky butt. My nana. My nick nak. My moosey
Aunt: My hotdog warmer. My nook and cranny. My sugar
bowl. My peppermint patty
Melody: I think I get it. You don't want a thong
Aunt: Is that the kind that go under your jungle book
and up out through your biscuits
Aunt: No thank you
Phil: Hi maíam. Can I help you with anything?
Damien: Just help her find some granny panties please.
I mean her size is big and square
Phil: Uh actually ma'am, you can actually find what
your looking for at Sears intimate apparel or
Aunt: What hot shot? You don't think I'm woman enough
to shop up in here? Let me ask you a question, have
you ever seen a real woman? (Turns her back to the
audience and opens her coat) Check that out, you ever
seen something like these! What about these! And take
a look at that thing, that thing will blow your mind!
Phil: Uh Melody, if you wouldn't mind take care of
these nice people please? I'm gonna take a Pepcid AC
and try to forget what just happened
Melody: Okay. Uh, well these are some French cut
panties. There really cute holding up undies with a
Aunt: Damien baby, help me try these on
Damien: The lady will help you. The dressing room is
right over there
Aunt: Nu uh, I'm gonna try them on right here in front
of God and everybody. I don't have any secrets.
[Damien gets down and helps her try on the panties.]
Aunt: Lets go baby, one leg at a time. There you go,
and the other one. Open up them golden gates. Pull her
up. There we go. Allieo. Allieo. Allieo. Allieo. And
binga. Okay, this is cool. Now these here cover up my
Melody: Great, can I ring those up for you?
Aunt: Na baby, I'm ah keep them on. You can just aim
that scan gun thing up underneath my housecoat. But
baby, shoot that laser beam away from my business. I
don't want it to get all fried up.
Aunt: There you go
Melody: Uhh, that will be $14 dollars and .94 cents
Aunt: What? For just one pair of old drawers? Oh no,
you can keep these! (Starts to take them off but
Damien stops her)
Damien: Ahh, I'll pay for it, it's alright
Aunt: Oh, my sweet nephew's gonna pay for my drawers.
Somebody gonna get a pretzel today! Come on baby,
let's go. Thank you! [They exit]
Phil: Wow Melody, big ups on handling that costumer.
You know, youíre a real classy lady!
Melody: Phil, don't try to get up in (as the old lady)
my moosey goosey
[Applause while fade screen to black]
Submitted by: Vanessa