Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 11

03k: Megan Mullally / Clay Aiken

Oprah's Favorite Things

Oprah Winfrey.....Maya Rudolph
Woman #1.....Rachel Dratch
Woman #2.....Amy Poehler
Woman #3.....Meagn Mullally
Woman #4.....Tina Fey

Oprah Winfrey: You people came here on a really good day.

[Audience claps]

Oprah Winfrey: Everyone knows it's my BIRTH-DAY!! [Oprah starts dancing] It's my birthday, It's my birthday! I'm turning 50 y'all, and you know, I love presents. Nice presents.

[audience is excited]

Oprah Winfrey: Do you love nice presents? Do you?!

[audience gets more excited]

Oprah Winfrey: Love...nice...presents!!

[Woman #3 and Woman #4 start screaming]

Oprah Winfrey: You are about to receive everything on my...BIRTHDAY LIST!!

[audience stands up and cheers hysterically]

Oprah Winfrey: Get ready for Oprah's Favorite Things: Birthday E-DI-TION!!!

[SUPER: "Oprah's Favorite Things"]

Oprah Winfrey [v/o]: It's Oprah's Favorite Things: Birthday Edition

Oprah Winfrey: You ladies are going to love this. First up, on Oprah's Favorite Things, my favorite to die for cashmere sweater set by Ralph LAUREN!!

[Bags are handed out, Woman #2 starts crying]

Oprah Winfrey: Now these, these are the absolute best. Julia Roberts told me about these, she is a big turkey lover. And, Julia Roberts told me that nobody does turkeys like...Green Hour smoked turkeys!!

[Woman # 3 starts kicking high and then faints, another woman is carried out by paramedics]

[Woman #1 and Woman # 2 fight over turkey]

Oprah Winfrey [v/o]: It's just like Oprah's Favorite Things, only more exciting.

Oprah Winfrey: I wore these on John Travolta's plane - UGG BOO-OO-OOTS!!

[Woman #1 throws chair into wall, gunshot goes off, Woman # 4 starts to wet her pants]

Oprah Winfrey: And, these are the best macaroons Salma Hayek and I had put in our mouths, ever. C & B macaroons!!

[audience still cheering hysterically. Woman # 2 and Woman # 3 kiss]

[Woman # 3 pulls arm off of Woman #1]

[Woman # 4 is sitting monkey style, tearing into turkey]

[As a producer approaches with plate of macaroons, a random woman runs down the aisle and tosses the plate into the air, as producer falls down]

Oprah Winfrey: An-nd, the most expensive ever given away on Oprah's Favorite Things - A DVD handy cam valued at over $900!!!

[audience still cheering hysterically, Woman # 2 head explodes into the air, from excitement]

[pregnant woman is on floor going in labor]

[scenes of bulls running, a house collapsing, and an atomic bomb going off, are shown]

[Woman #1 is humping Woman # 4]

Oprah Winfrey [v/o]: It's what you've all been waiting for - Oprah's Favorite Things: Birthday Edition. I'm turning 50, y'all. Monday, on "Oprah."

[audience starts to crowd and cheer Oprah]

[SUPER: "Oprah's Favorite Things"]

[fade out]

Submitted by: Chris Fuentes

SNL Transcripts