Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 11





03k: Megan Mullally / Clay Aiken

Celebrity Poker Showdown

Carrot Top.....Seth Meyers
Gene Shalit.....Horatio Sanz
Geraldo Rivera.....Darrell Hammond
Kevin Pollack.....Jimmy Fallon
Phil Gordon/Bravo Announcer.....Chris Parnell
Tammy Faye Messner.....Megan Mullally

[fade in on Bravo station identification screen with big band music playing]

Bravo Announcer: You’re watching Bravo—The Gay Stuff and Poker Network.

[dissolve to last part of animated opening sequence from “Celebrity Poker Showdown”]

[dissolve again to Kevin Pollack and Phil Gordon at the commentary desk]

Kevin Pollack: Welcome back to Celebrity Poker Showdown. I’m your host, the Man of 1000 Voices, Kevin Pollack. With me is poker professional, Phil Gordon [Gordon waves to the camera]. Phil, we’ve got a real barn burner here today—or as William Shatner would say…[in Shatner-esque cadence]: Spock…Bones…We got a real—barn burner—here today. [in normal voice]: That’s Captain Kirk.

Phil Gordon: [half-heartedly] That’s great, Kevin.

Kevin Pollack: [not reading into the weak compliment] Yes, it is great.

Phil Gordon: All right, let’s look at the current chip count. Carrot Top is in first place [an animated poker chip rolls across the screen, cutting to the stage where the four players and the dealer are seated] with $300,000.

[cut to Carrot Top]

Carrot Top: Hey, check it out, I have two “pair” [holds up two pears] or maybe I have a “flush” [holds up a miniature toilet and laughs annoyingly]

[cut to Geraldo Rivera]

Phil Gordon V/O: Geraldo Rivera is in second place with $260,000.

Geraldo Rivera: [while speaking into his Fox News microphone] I’m here at the Minion’s Horseshoe Casino with these dastardly daredevils known as professional poker players, but for all the danger and dastardliness that surrounds me, I might as well be taking mortifier in Mogadeeshenu as I so often have.

[cut back to the commentary desk with Pollack and Gordon]

Phil Gordon: Gene Shalit in third place with $150,000

[cut to Gene Shalit]

Gene Shalit: I have a real “chip” on my shoulder [holds up a poker chip] about this card game. And you can tell your “ante” I’d like to “poker”.

[cut back to the commentary desk with Pollack and Gordon]

Phil Gordon: And finally, Tammy Faye Messner, formerly Tammy Faye Bakker, from TV’s “The Surreal Life” has $120,000.

[cut to Tammy Faye Messner]

Tammy Faye Messner: That’s okay. After all, you can’t buy your way into Heaven [laughs heartily, then starts sobbing]

[cut back to the commentary desk with Pollack and Gordon]

Phil Gordon: Now, you—you have to admit; Tammy Faye has been playing well, despite repeating sobbing fits.

[cut back to Tammy Faye, sobbing harder than before with black mascara running down her face]

[cut back to the commentary desk with Pollack and Gordon]

Phil Gordon: Now, my money’s on Gene Shalit. He’s been playing great, except for the hands that he missed when he went out for Blimpie’s. He’s got to be the favorite.

Kevin Pollack: [in Colombo voice] “Uh, pardon me, ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you. Just one more time, I agree with you” [in normal voice]: That’s Peter Falk as Colombo.

Phil Gordon: [slightly annoyed] That’s—That’s really great.

Kevin Pollack: It is. It was.

Phil Gordon: [sighs, changes the subject] Let’s head back to the table. [cut back to stage where the four players and the dealer are seated]: The great thing is, thanks to our lipstick cameras, we can see what cards the players have. Okay [cut to lipstick-cam shot of Geraldo’s hand] Geraldo Rivera has [hand picks up cards, revealing an eight of diamonds and a ten of clubs] an eight and a ten.

[cut to Geraldo, speaking into his Fox News microphone]

Geraldo Rivera: Once again, my portentious plans for victory have been thwarted by the igdaminious ten to eight of suit. I have no other recourse but to boldly bluff. I bet $2000.

[cut back to the commentary desk with Pollack and Gordon]

Phil Gordon: Now, this brings up a good point: if you’re going to try to bluff, try not to announce it into your hand mike. [cut to lipstick-cam shot of Tammy Faye’s hands, which now inexplicably have fake red fingernails on them]: Tammy Faye Messner has [hand picks up a pair of sixes—one the six of diamonds, the other, the six of spades—caked in foundation and blush]: And though they seem to be covered in make-up, it makes a good hand.

[cut to Tammy Faye Messner, her cheeks streaked with runny mascara, but now with a smile on her face]

Tammy Faye Messner: Well, as the Lord sayeth unto us, “We must always bet hard pre-flop with a low-pocket pair.” I’m in for twenty grand.

Phil Gordon V/O: Tammy Faye is in for $20,000.

[cut back to the commentary desk with Pollack and Gordon]

Kevin Pollack: [imitating Christopher Walken] You—you—you know, if Christopher Walken were here…he’d surely be wowed. [in normal voice to Phil Gordon, who is not impressed by the impersonation]: That’s Christopher—Christopher Walken.

Phil Gordon: [has had enough of Pollack’s voices]: Yeah. I’d like you to stop that.

Kevin Pollack: [imitating Johnny Carson] And I will definitely stop that. [in normal voice]: That’s Johnny Carson.

Phil Gordon: How did you even get this job?

Kevin Pollack: [imitating Ronald Reagan] Well, Nancy, Ronald Reagan wasn’t available. [in normal voice]: That was Ronald Reagan.

Phil Gordon: Maybe you should stop doing impressions.

Kevin Pollack: [in a Liverpool accent à la one of the Beatles] Maybe I shouldn’t have landed in New York forty years ago and played “The Ed Sullivan Show” [mimicks playing a guitar; again speaks in normal voice]: It’s—it’s one of the Beatles. George, Ringo? [Gordon glares at Pollack]: Any one of the Beatles?

[Gordon gives up on trying to talk Pollack out of doing his impressions and gets back to the poker game]

Phil Gordon V/O: Carrot Top [cut to lipstick-cam shot of Carrot Top’s hand] is holding [hand picks up a photo of Richard Simmons and a photo of Ian McKellen] pictures of Richard Simmons and Ian McKellen?!

[Carrot Top holds the photos up between his face]

Carrot Top: Look everybody, I have two “queens” [laughs annoyingly]

[cut to lipstick cam view of Gene Shalit’s cards, which are obstructed by a plate of devilled eggs with olives on them]

Phil Gordon V/O: And finally, Gene Shalit has a pile of devilled eggs hidden under his cards [Shalit removes one of the devilled eggs to reveal the card—a deuce of spades and a seven of diamonds]

[cut to Gene Shalit, eating one of the devilled eggs]

Gene Shalit: I’m “eggs-tatic” about these “egg-cellent” cards…and that’s no “yolk”!

[cut back to the commentary desk with Pollack and Gordon]

Phil Gordon: Gene Shalit’s hand is a two-seven off-suit. [Pollack mumbles something under his breath]: Now this is one of the worst starting hands you can have in poker [Pollack shakes his head “No”; cut back to Gene Shalit contemplating on whether or not to fold], so he’ll fold.

[Shalit is still contemplating over whether or not to fold until he looks at his cards again and slams them down]

Gene Shalit: [pushes poker chips into the center] I’m in for $100,000.

[cut back to the commentary desk with Pollack and Gordon]

Phil Gordon: [taken aback over turn of events] Boy, that’s…terrible. Uh, well, it’s going to be Tammy Faye, Geraldo, or Gene Shalit. And it’s time to see the flop.

Kevin Pollack: You know, if Howard Cosell were here…

Phil Gordon: [brusquely interrupts Pollack] Well, he’s not! He’s not! And the flop comes [cut to lipstick-cam shot of the dealer laying down a king of clubs, a king of diamonds, and a six of clubs with the accompanying super: “The Flop” underneath the shot]: king, king, six. Oh, good news for Tammy Faye, who has three sixes and two kings, that’s a full house.

Tammy Faye Messner: [dramatically] It is a sign! 666 is the mark of Satan! [calmly]: But I ain’t throwin’ away a full boat. I’m all in. [pushes her poker chips in the center of the table]

[cut to Gene Shalit]

Gene Shalit: [addressing the camera] As the man in the Chinese laundry said, “Choing, choing, choing. I fold!”

[studio audience groans at the semi-racist joke; cut back to the commentary desk with Pollack and Gordon]

Phil Gordon: That was, uh, borderline offensive, uh, but Gene Shalit has folded.

[cut to Geraldo Rivera speaking into his Fox News microphone one last time]

Geraldo Rivera: My blustery bluff has failed. My dastardly deed has me deader than a door nail. Geraldo Rivera folds [kisses his index and middle finger together]: Fox News.

[cut back to the commentary desk with Pollack and Gordon]

Phil Gordon: Geraldo Rivera folds, so that means Tammy Faye is going to win this hand.

[cut to Tammy Faye Messner]

Tammy Faye Messner: [victoriously] I win. Praise the Lord [raises her hands in the air]: This money is going straight to the needy…as in “I ‘needy’ more make-up!”

[Carrot Top picks up two golf clubs]

Carrot Top: Hey look, everybody, I got two “clubs” [puts clubs down and buries his face in his hands in shame over the lame, ill-timed joke]

[cut back to the commentary desk with Pollack and Gordon]

Kevin Pollack: [à la Reverend Jim from “Taxi”] Whoa, Alex! [in normal voice]: That’s Jim from “Taxi”. That certainly was a wild hand [imitating Casey Kasem]: I’m Casey Kasem [back to normal voice]: That’s Casey Kase—

Phil Gordon: [fed up with Pollack’s impersonations]: Stop it! [to camera] We’ll be right back after this.

[Pollack does another impersonation and Gordon tells him again to stop. The scene dissolves to the “Celebrity Poker Showdown” title card, followed by a fade to back]


Submitted by: Candy


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