Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 11






03k: Megan Mullally / Clay Aiken

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

.....Jimmy Fallon
.....Tina Fey
Billy Smith.....Fred Armisen
Barbara Walters.....Rachel Dratch

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it's "Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey."

Jimmy Fallon: Hi, I'm Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I'm Tina Fey, and here are tonight's top stories:

President Bush on Friday chose seven people for a committee to investigate his administration’s intelligence failures in Iraq. When questioned whether his handpicked appointees could be impartial, President Bush responded, “I’m sure Slim, Bug Eye, Button Down, Hot Rod, Shorty, Flapjack and Kool-Aid will be completely impartial!”

One of the seven people appointed is Senator John McCain, a longtime critic of President Bush. When asked how the commission was progressing so far, McCain said, “Pretty good. In fact, we’ve already found one huge intelligence failure.” [Picture of President Bush; applause]

Defense secretary Donald Rumsfeld said Wednesday that he still believes we will find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. These statements used to make me angry, but now I just feel kinda sad for him, the way I feel when-[some laughter]-The way I feel when Linus waits for the Great Pumpkin.

Jimmy Fallon: Howard Dean, once the Democratic frontrunner, said that if he does not win the Wisconsin primary on February 17, he will drop out of the race. Dean made the announcement by telling a group of supporters, [waving his arms]“We will not go to Oklahoma, or Indiana, or Kansas, we will not go to Texas, or Kentucky, or Pennsylvania, or New York, or- aiieeee!” [applause]

Tina Fey: After a poor showing in Tuesday’s primaries, Senator Joe Lieberman ended his presidential bid Tuesday night, explaining, “Feh.”

It was a disappointing primary season for Lieberman, but on the plus side, his campaign was long, quiet, and depressing enough to qualify as a Jewish holiday. [applause]

Lieberman said he has no immediate plans for his political future, and instead he will return to his regular job playing the dad on “ALF.” [picture of Lieberman with ALF]

Jimmy Fallon: [picture of Janet Jackson after her Super Bowl performance] I’m gonna call ya Miss Jackson, ‘cause you’re nasty.

Justin Timberlake was reportedly upset with Janet Jackson over the Super Bowl halftime show incident, saying that he was told her breasts would never be in full view. But is it really so shocking that a member of the Jackson family took advantage of a naïve young boy? [applause]

Tina Fey: The Massachusetts court decision to allow gay marriages this week may prove to be a divisive issue in the upcoming presidential election. President Bush is likely torn because he has to protect what he sees is a sacred institution, and yet he knows gay marriage would boost the economy. ‘Cause you know those gay guys would go all out. We’re talking about designer wedding cakes, twenty-thousand-dollar sleeveless tuxedos, giant naked-man ice sculptures that pee Mojitos, they’d hire Patti LaBelle as the band, give out African parrots as party favors, it would be redonkulous. So remember, whatever your political beliefs, a vote to allow gay marriage is a vote for a fabulous economy! [applause]

Jimmy Fallon: I wanted to check in again with one of my favorite up-and-coming standup comedians. He’s a Native American from the Apacalo Tribe. Please welcome Billy Smith, ladies and gentlemen.

[Indian flute music plays as camera pans to Billy Smith]

[SUPER: “Billy Smith / Native American”]

Billy Smith: Thank you. Well, let me hear you make some noise! [audience cheers] Thank you. Boy, it sure is cold here in this island of square mountains and yellow horses. It is so cold, that I feel as if I have frozen off my, whacacka!

[low audience response; Billy pauses for a moment]

A, uh, whacacka is a ceremonial rattle that, uh, makes the noise of rain. Heh-heh. [low audience response] A play on words. [pause; Billy taps the microphone] Is this thing on?

Jimmy Fallon: That’s good! That’s funny.

Billy Smith: Anyway, my wife is a terrible cook. Whenever she prepares a feast, I tell her I would sooner eat, istakayamakosama!

[low audience response; Billy pauses for a moment]

Thank you. Istakayamakosama is a small red ant that stinks when squashed. [low audience response] Nothing. [pause] Nook Nook! [pause] Nook Nook!

[some members of audience shout “Who’s there?”]

Jimmy Fallon: Who- who’s there?

Billy Smith: No, no. Uh, Nook Nook is my brother’s name. I want to give him a shout out! [pause]

Tina Fey: Jimmy, what is it that you like about this guy?

Billy Smith: What is your problem, Tina Fey? Is your husband not giving you enough tosina-istataka!

[low audience response; Billy pauses for a moment]

Tina Fey: What?

Billy Smith: Tostina-istataka is a long serrated leaf which can be threaded through meat. [pause; Tina looks dumbfounded] Threaded through meat. [pause] VRROOOM! Like the hawk over her head!

Anyway, they’re giving me the ceremonial torch. That’s my time folks. Thank you very much.

Jimmy Fallon: Billy Smith, everyone!

Tina Fey: Billy Smith.

Jimmy Fallon: Fantastic, fantastic.

Tina Fey: The Native American insult comic!

The White House Tuesday defended President Bush against Democratic accusations that he was absent without leave from the Texas Air National Guard in the 1970s. A spokesman labeled the claims “shameful,” and “the worst of election year politics,” and “completely true.”

[picture of a haggard-looking James Brown around the time that he was arrested on domestic violence charges]

Jimmy Fallon: I FEEEL-not so good actually, not so good.

Monday was Groundhog Day. Janet Jackson’s breast popped out of its hole, saw its shadow, and now we’ll have six more weeks of overreaction. [applause]

Tina Fey: FOX is developing a new reality dating series called “Playing it Straight,” in which a female contestant will date 14 bachelors, some of whom are gay, and some are straight. The show was originally called “The Tina Fey College Experience.” [applause]

Jimmy Fallon: That’s pretty- that’s pretty embarrassing.

Tina Fey: Oh, really, that’s- that’s embarrassing?

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah.

Tina Fey: Yeah. If you think that’s embarrassing, why don’t you take a look at this videotape I found of you, two weeks ago!

Jimmy Fallon: No, you didn’t. No, please don’t-

Tina Fey: Yeah! Roll that tape, Beth!

Jimmy Fallon: Don’t show that.

Tina Fey: Yeah. Roll the tape.

[Intro to “American Idol” is played; Jimmy stands in a small room dressed as William Hung]

Jimmy Fallon: Let me just say I have no professional training in music. All right.

[Jimmy awkwardly sings and dances]

"Talk to me, tell me your name
You blow me off like it's all the same
She bangs, she bangs, Oh baby
When she moves, she moves, I go crazy
She looks like a flower
and she stings like a bee
Like every girl in history
She bangs, she bangs!"

[Jimmy stops singing and stares ahead; “American Idol” animation plays again; applause]

Tina Fey: In an interview with “Dateline NBC,” David Gest, who claims Liza Minelli beat him, says he has received 80 shots of Botox in his head to deaden the pain. OK, so that explains him, but who’s been beating up Meg Ryan? [audience groans; Tina addresses the audience reaction] Ohhhhhhh, it’s like a roller coaster!

This week, Alex Trebek crashed his truck into a string of mailboxes and sailed over an embankment into a ditch, because he was this:

Jimmy Fallon: Uhh- [holds his pencil like a “Jeopardy!” buzzer and presses on the eraser to buzz in] Wasted off his ass? [Tina shakes her head no] Wait, wait, wait! What is wasted off his ass? [Tina nods; applause]

A troupe of breakdancers performed at the Vatican last week for Pope John Paul the Second. Or, as he now prefers to be called, Pope John Paul II: Electric Boogaloo.

Tina Fey: This week, Barbara Walters announced she’ll be leaving “20/20,” the newsmagazine she’s been hosting since 1979. Here with a comment is Barbara Walters herself. [polite applause; pan to Barbara] [SUPER: "Barbara Walters / ABC News"]

Barbara Walters: Thank you, Tina. In my years at “20/20,” I’ve interviewed dozens of influential stars and politicians, and I’m known for getting into the hearts of my subjects. When I made the decision to leave “20/20,” I asked myself, if I were going to be the subject of an interview, who should interview me? Perhaps that gummy little sprite Katie Couric from “The Today Show,” or what about Diane Sawyer, that bucket of Botox over at “Good Morning America?”

And then, Tina, I realized there’s only one woman smart enough, and one woman sharp enough to go toe-to-toe with Barbara Walters.

Tina Fey: Oh, well, gosh, Barbara, I’m speechless. Thank you-

Barbara Walters: And that woman is me.

Tina Fey: Oh, OK. Well, knock yourself out then.

Barbara Walters: Cameraman, my filter.

[filter set on camera to give the scene a softer, more dramatic appearance]

Barbara, after more than two decades, you’re leaving “20/20.” Now you’ll be full time over at “The View,” listening to Joy Behar scream about menopause while you sit in one of Star Jones’ fart clouds. How does that make you feel, Barbara?

[turns head and addresses a different camera, also with filter] Not good.

[turns head back] Barbara, if you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?

[turns head] Hmm… I guess a bonzai. Beautiful, delicate, yet strong, pruned into perfect shape, and 400 years old.

[turns head] Tell me about your mother.

[turns head] Oh, Barbara, I- I thought I agreed I wasn’t going to ask myself this.

[turns head] Your mother, Barbara. Tell me about her.

[turns head; starts to cry] Oh, God. I promised myself I wasn’t going to cry. [cries loudly]

[Tina addresses Barbara; filters are now gone]

Tina Fey: Are- are you OK? You all right?

Barbara Walters: [suddenly composed] I’m fine.

Well, it’s been one hell of a ride. I’ve been to Nice, and the Isles of Greece, while I’ve sipped champagne on a yacht.

[begins to sing]
"I moved like Harlow in Monte Carlo and showed 'em what I've got
I've been undressed by kings and I've seen some things
That a woman ain't s'posed to see
I've been to paradise-"

Tina Fey: [quietly] Barbara Walters everyone.

Barbara Walters: "But I've never been to me."

Tina Fey: Barbara Walters. Thank you.

Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, I'm Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I'm Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.


Submitted by: Michael C. Arroyo


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