Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 12




03l: Drew Barrymore / Kelis

Access Hollywood

Pat O'Brien....Jimmy Fallon
Charlize Theron....Drew Barrymore

[Opens with Pat wearing a suit and tie, glasses, mustache, mic on hand in the Access Hollywood TV studio]

Pat O'Brien: [very nasal voice] Welcome back to Access Hollywood. I'm Pat O'Brien.[points to his nose]I don't use this thing on my face. What is it used for ? I don't use it. What is it? You'll never guess why Jeniffer Garner's arms are so big---she's been lifting weights. And you won't believe what Julia Roberts had for lunch---a Cobb salad. First up, I caught up with Oscar hottie Charlize Theron at the Independent Spirit Awards.

[Access Hollywood logo. Lights! Camera! Access!]

[Pat interviews Charlize Theron]

Pat O'Brien: Charlize, great to see you. I can tell people we're friends, right?

Charlize Theron: Uh, sure.

Pat O'Brien: That's totally cool. Charlize you'll never guess who's nominated for an Oscar for playing serial killer Aileen Wuornos in the movie "Monster".

Charlize Theron: I am?

Pat O'Brien: That's right. You are. Charlize, you're such a hot lady, playing an ugly lady. Was that hard?

Charlize Theron: Not at all. I think it would be harder to be ugly and play beautiful.

Pat O'Brien: Yeah, well, you're great in the movie, uh, lets take a look.

[Cut a clip of "Monster". Charlize as Aileen Wuornos has greasy hair, rotten teeth and bad skin]

Aileen Wuornos: Don't you understand?! I can't prostitute myself no more! Because I killed somebody! I'm a serial killer!

[Back to interview]

Pat O'Brien: You're so ugly in that movie. You're so ugly.

Charlize Theron: Thank you.

Pat O'Brien: Let me ask you something. Why do so many actresses have to ugly themselves up? I mean, is it to win Oscars? Is that what Nicole Kidman, Halle Berry and Sara Jessica Parker are trying to do?

Charlize Theron: I don't know Pat. I mean, I would never ugly up, you know, just to win an Award. I just wanna stretch as an actor.

Pat O'Brien: Just wanna stretch. What's your next project on?

Charlize Theron: Well, I just finished a film for Miramax. Its an amazing true story of Monica Plattendorf. She was a Seattle mother whose husband actually struck her in the face with an ax but she could not be silenced and she went on to be a community activist.

[Cut to a clip of the film. Charlize plays Monica who has a bloody ax stuck in the middle of her face. She is delivering a speech at a podium.]

Monica Plattendorf: I don't care what anyone in this town says. Just because I have an ax in my face doesn't mean that I don't count. And I say that this town needs a municipally funded dog run.[Applause]

[Back to interview]

Pat O'Brien: I smell Oscar. I'm just kidding. I haven't smelled anything since I was 15. I heard you're currently working with a German director because he thought you were great in "Monster".

Charlize Theron: Yes, Helmut Ofterbrau, yes that's his name, Helmut Oftenbraunder, called me and asked me to do his new film about a woman with a very rare disease that gives her porcine features. And she's just trying to maintain her life and her family. Its very moving.

[Cut to the clip. A woman with a pig snout sits across a man in a table holding a drink]

Pig Snout: Are you leaving me for another woman, John? Or are you leaving me because I'm a pig face? [Snorts like a pig]

[Back to interview]

Pat O'Brien: I smell Oscar again and bacon. Again, I'm just kidding, I can't smell. I heard you're doing a play. What? Are you gunning for a Tony too?

Charlize Theron: No. I just love the part. Its about the life of Captain Lou Albano.

Pat O'Brien: Wait, wait. Captain Lou? From the Cindy Lauper videos?

Charlize Theron: Yeah, but God, there's so much more to him. I mean, I play Captain Lou in his later years.

[Cut to the actual Captain Lou Albano in the middle of a wrestling ring with other wrestlers. He's fat, ugly, hairy and has rubber bands in his facial hair]

Captain Lou Albano: [Charlize in a gruff voice] Let me tell you 3 things about Captain Lou Albano! I care about my fellow man, I'm a champion and I wear rubber bands on my face!

[Back to interview]

Pat O'Brien: Its like its not even you.

Charlize Theron: Thank you.

Pat O'Brien: Did you know that Renee Zellwegger is gonna do a remake of "The Elephant Man" called "Elephant Girl"?

Charlize Theron:[worried] What?

Pat O'Brien: Next on Access Hollywood you'll never believe where Topher Grace got his name from. Its from Chris-to-pher. I'm Pat O'Brien. Goodbye.

[Pat puts a giant bottle of Afrin up to his nose and inhales]

[Access Hollywood logo. Lights! Camera! Access!]

[cheers and applause]

[fade]


Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel


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