Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 12






03l: Drew Barrymore / Kelis

Mike's Bar

Bartender.....Chris Parnell
John Kerry.....Seth Meyers
George W. Bush.....Will Forte
Bill Clinton.....Darrell Hammond
Hillary Rodham.....Drew Barrymore

[ open on interior, Mike's Bar, set in 1968 ]

Music Over: "Sunshine of Your Love", Cream.

Bartender: Here you go, Lt. Kerry. On the house.

John Kerry: Thanks, Eddie - but it's just "John Kerry". I'm on leave for a few months.

Bartender: Visiting the ol' stomping grounds, huh? Well, your money's no good here, Sailor.

[ George W. Bush, dressed in graduation cap and gown, enters, holding his diploma up proudly ]

George W. Bush: Whoo-hoo!! Whoooooo!! Whoooooo!! Ladies and gentlemen! It is my great pleasure to announce that I - Goerge W. Bush - have officially gradgeated from Yale.. University! [ makes crowd sound effects ] Thank you! Thank you! [ makes more crowd sound effects ] Thank you, appreciate it, thank you!

Bartender: Got your diploma, George?

George W. Bush: Yes, sir. Listen to this: [ reads ] "This diploma defers upon George W. Bush.." - that's me - "..a Bachelor of Arts, with a major in Physical Education." [ stops reading ] "And a minor.. in Partying!" I wrote that in myself! [ chuckles ]

Bartender: That's great, George. What can I getcha?

George W. Bush: Brew me. Pronto! [ sits next to Kerry ] Hey, buddy, nice shirt. Are you, uh.. you're missing your cub scout troop, or something?

John Kerry: No, actually, I'm a lieutenant in the United States Navy, on leave from active duty in Vietnam.

George W. Bush: Whoa! Son of a bee sting! I know you! You're John Kerry! you graduated tow years ago - remember me? George Bush! I was the one who, uh.. put the firecracker in that bulldog's butt at the Princeton game!

John Kerry: Oh, yes, I remember. A friend of mine explained to me that it was humorous - and that an appropriate response would have been laughter.

George W. Bush: So, uh.. oyu were in Vietnam. [ whistles ] I haven't really been following that.. but it seems like a really bad scene over there, man.

John Kerry: In the words of Oppenheimer, paraphrasing ancient Indian scripture: "I have become Death. Destroyer of worlds."

George W. Bush: [ confused ] So, it is a bad scene?

John Kerry: Yes! It's a bad scene!

George W. Bush: [ sips his beer ] Boy, I love booze! God, strike me dead if I ever turn into one of those pansies who don't drink booze! If you ever hear me say "I quit booze", just kick me in the face!

John Kerry: You know what? I promise I will do that!

George W. Bush:

George W. Bush: Thanks, man!

[ a young Bill Clinton enters the bar, flanked by two attractive young women ]

Bill Clinton: Ladies? What do you say we have a drink in here? This seems like a nice place. [ to Bush and Kerry ] Gentlemen. The name's William Jefferson Clinton - this is Moonbeam, this is Thistledew. I call her Thistledew because.. this'll do!

George W. Bush: [ smiling ] That's nice!

Bill Clinton: Girls? Here's some money - why don't you go play a little pinball?

[ the girls exit to a back room, as Clinton sits next to Bush ]

George W. Bush: I'm George W. Bush!

Bill Clinton: Yes, sir.

George W. Bush: And I can tell you and me are going to be great friends! I'm a booze hound, and you're a cooze hound!

Bill Clinton: [ chuckles ] It's a pleasure, George. [ looks at Kerry ] What's with the stiff? Hey, buddy, who died?

John Kerry: [ a beat ] A lot of people, actually. My commanding officer.. a couple of my friends..

George W. Bush: This here is John Kerry, he's kind of a buzzkill. So, what brings you to town, Billy?

Bill Clinton: I'm visiting the law school, uh.. I figured it was a good way to avoid going to Vietnam. But, now, I've got a new plan: go to Europe, smoke a bunch of weed, and see if I can snag me one of those Benny Hillís girls - I love.. that.. show.

George W. Bush: Really? Really, I gave it a try; I couldnít follow it. I donít like humor you have to think about too much, you know?

Bill Clinton: You know, George W.. you should come over to England. You and me, we could do some real damage over there.

George W. Bush: Oh, I can't leave.. You see, I made a committment to serve my country in the Texas Air National Guard. [ a beat ] I'm just kidding! I'll come over next week!

Bill Clinton: [ chuckles ]

George W. Bush: Is it cool if I crash on your floor?

Bill Clinton: Actually, I have an extra bed.

George W. Bush: No, I'll probably literally crash on your floor - I drink a lot!

Bill Clinton: [ looking toward the door ] Uh-oh, look out - lesbo, two o'clock.

Hillary Rodham: Excuse me, guys. My name is Hillary Rodham, and I'm visiting from Wellesley.. can one of you tell me where the art museum is?

George W. Bush: [ chuckles ] Boy, are you askin' the wrong guy!

John Kerry: It's down Chapel St., on the right.

Hillary Rodham: Thanks, sailor.

George W. Bush: Hey, Kerry. I think she's into you, man!

Bill Clinton: Ugh! Better him than me. Hey, G.I. Joe, why donít you do us all a favor and jump on that grenade?

Hillary Rodham: Hey! That is a typically boorish male, patriarchal response, and I will not stand for it!

John Kerry: Miss Rodham, don't pay attention to them! I could use some air - why don't I walk you to the museum?

Hillary Rodham: Well. At least one of you around here is a gentlemen!

John Kerry: [ looks back at Clinton and Bush ] You two owe me for this, big time! [ exits with Hillary ]

Bill Clinton: George W., man oh man. Isn't it great to be young and carefree?

George W. Bush: You said it! To know that you cna do whatever you want. And no one will ever know! And there will never be any consequences!

Bill Clinton: Speaking of which.. [ clears throat, pulls out a joint from inside his jacket ] You want to turn on, space man?

George W. Bush: Oh, no.. I don't touch that stuff.

[ Clinton puts the joint away ]

George W. Bush: [ unsteady ] Uhhh.. you got any cocaine on ya'?

Bill Clinton: Yes. Yes. I do.

[ arm-in-arm, Clinton and Bush exit to the rear of the bar ]

[ fade ]


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