Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 12







03l: Drew Barrymore / Kelis

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

.....Jimmy Fallon
.....Tina Fey
Diana Ross.....Maya Rudolph
Roberta.....Finesse Mitchell

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it's "Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey."

Jimmy Fallon: I'm Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Here are tonight's top stories.

Tina Fey: On Friday, the White House released 400 pages of President Bush's military records. Yet, it is still not yet clear whether Bush was AWOL for almost a year from the Texas National Guard. Nor does it explain, the President's eight-month tour of duty on the Kiss Army.
[ photo of Bush in Kiss make-up ]

Cartoon character Cathy finally got engaged to her boyfriend, in today’s Valentine edition of her strip. Meanwhile, Marcie and Peppermint Patty are moving to Massachusetts.

Jimmy Fallon: An internet rumor claims that John Kerry had an affair with a young woman. When asked if this was similar to the Clinton/Lewinsky scandal, a spokesman said, "Close, but no cigar."

A researcher in Seattle has produced a mathematical formula to predict the outcome of any marriage. And, here it is: X + Jennifer Lopez = 0.

Tina Fey: A U.S. born panda, named Hua Mei, will soon be returned to her ancestral homeland of China, where she is expected to be delicious.

Jimmy Fallon: The head of the Philly Phanatic, the mascot for the Philadelphia Phillies, has gone missing. Police want to question this man.
[ photo of thief wearing the Phanatic head ]

Tina Fey: Because of friction between the U.S. and Brazil, it was announced that a float at this year’s Carnivale will be a 12-foot sculpture of Uncle Sam with his pants down, and his genitals in plain sight - or, as Bill Clinton calls it: "business casual."

According to a report by the New York City Council, not enough pharmacies are stocking the Morning After birth-control pill, despite a law requiring them to carry it. And, at the pharmacies that do carry it, I'd appreciate a little less attitude.

Jimmy Fallon: A suprising new survey shows that women over 40 spend the greatest amount of time playing online games.

Tina Fey: [ smoking a cigarette ] Yeah, well, I'll tell ya.. it's beats drinking alone.

Jimmy Fallon: Michael McGuire --

Tina Fey: It really does.

Jimmy Fallon: I know, I know - I heard you the first time. Yeah, yeah - good for you. Good luck!

Michael McGuire, a prisoner in Nebraska, escaped from a hospital by using a fake gun he had made out of toilet paper. The plan turned tragic, however, when he used a real gun to wipe himself.

Tina Fey: This week, soul diva Diana Ross was sentenced to two days in jail for her drunk driving arrest in Tucson last year. Here now, via satellite from a women's prison in Los Angeles, is Diana Ross.

[ cut to Diana Ross behind bars in prison ]

Diana Ross: Oooooooh! Hello, Tina! Ow!

Tina Fey: Hi, Diana. How's it going?

Diana Ross: Not good, Tina! I'm in jail! and, let me tell you something - in jail, they do not call me "Miss Ross." They call me "Inmate #54899-B." Ow!

Tina Fey: Wow. So, how are they treating you in there?

Diana Ross: Jail is not a spa, Tina. I realized that, once I got here and looked around for the sauna and the bowl of fresh, green apples. All I found was a tiny rom with a stinky little terlet with no lid, and a very grumpy bunkmate named Roberta.

[ Roberta the bunkmate paces the cell behind Diana, making her nervous and scared ]

Tina Fey: Well, since we've got you here on live TV, is there anything you want to say to your fans?

Diana Ross: Yessssss! Tina-na-naaa! What I would like to say is: Remember that scene in "Mahogony", those fantastic photos of me looking glamorous in Rome! Jail is not like that, Tina. Although, really, there is someone that's a dead-ringer for Billy Dee Williams - except her name is Roberta! [ Roberta paces behind Diana ] I mean, she got a moustache and everything!

Tina Fey: How long have you been in there so far, Miss Ross?

Diana Ross: About twenty minutes! I'm not gonna make it, Tina!

Tina Fey: It's okay, it's okay, Diana. You'll be okay.

Diana Ross: No, it's not! They took away my Emory board and my hot comb! I'm freakin' out, Tina!

Tina Fey: Ohhhh, I am so sorry --

Diana Ross: Hey, Tinaaaaaaaa!! Remember in the 1960's, when I was in the fabulous girl-group The Supremes?

Tina Fey: Yeah.

Diana Ross: And I had twelve #1 songs and eighten Top 10 hits?

Tina Fey: Yes. Of course. We all remember that, yeah.

Diana Ross: Jail is not like that either, Tina! It's quite the opposite! One minute, you're returning your copy of "V.I. Warshawski" to a Blockbuster in Tucson; and, the next thing you know, you're in the hoosegow! I'm in the pokie, Tina! I'm in the joint! The slammer! The clink! The can! [ Roberta moves close on Diana ] Uh-oh, I gotta go.. Roberta needs to go to sleep, and she says if I make any noise she's gonna shank me! Tina-na-naaa!

Tina Fey: Diana Ross! Diana Ross, everybody!

Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, I'm Jimmy Fallon!

Tina Fey: I'm Tina Fey! Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow!


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