Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 13




03m: Christina Aguilera / Maroon 5

Aguilera Concert Backstage

.....Christina Aguilera
Assistant...Fred Armisen
Star Jones.....Kenan Thompson
Al.....Finesse Mitchell
Patti LaBelle.....Maya Rudolph
Sharon Osbourne.....Amy Poehler
Ozzy Osbourne.....Horatio Sanz
Kelly Osbourne.....Rachel Dratch

[open on stock footage of Christina Aguilera concert with final lines of "Dirrty"]

[dissolve to Christina and her assistant in dressing room]

Assistant: Oh, I love you Christina honey, you're really going for it! You okay?

Christina: [out of breath] Yeah, I'm fine, I'm just tired.

Assistant: Okay. Listen, a couple of celebrities want to say hi. Do you want to change first?

[assistant turns and his pink shirt can be seen to read, "I DID JUSTIN THREE TIMES"]

Christina: No, no, no, I'm good. I'm going to sit down and towel off. [sits with a towel]

Assistant: Okay, you just towel down, okay. Here is Star Jones.

[assistant opens door, Star and Al enter]

Star: Oh! How is my baby?!

Christina: How you doing?

[Christina and Star hug]

Star: Oh, my lord, have you met my fiance, Al?

Christina: I haven't; congratulations!

[Al and Christina shake hands]

Al: Hey, thanks a lot. That was amazing.

Christina: Thanks, thanks a lot.

Star: Listen, you go for it, girlfriend. I don't care what they say. With that voice, you can skank up the whole house if you want to!

Christina: [clears throat] Thank you.

Star: Yeah, you can sang, girl! That's what matters. You gonna work that nasty stank box any way you want to. [Christina's posture becomes less receptive] I mean, wave it, shave it, whatever. 'Cause you got the voice of a angel.

Al: Straight up, an angel.

Christina: Thanks, but, ah, I really don't see myself as a skank.

Assistant: [opening door] Christina, here's Patti LaBelle.

[Patti enters]

Patti: Waaaaa-wooooo! What a night! Where's my sweet, skanky ho?!

Christina: Hey, Patti, how you doing?

[Christina and Patti hug]

Patti: Oh, baby!

Star: Patti LaBelle! Have you met my fiance?

Patti: Hey, how you doing, Stedman? [Al shrugs nonplussedly] Waaaaa-wooooo! Little girl! Let me tell you, your pipes as good as mine!

Christina: Oh, my--G--th--Coming from you, Patti, that--

Patti: Oh, oh, oh! To hell with them critics, baby. If you want to spread that dripping honeypot, go ahead! 'Cause y'all got something them other trick bitches don't; you got a voice! Y'all can do the Washington Redskins up and down for all I care. Go ahead, girl!

Star: That is what I am saying. Christina, girl, you can get it backdoor from the Harlem Boys Choir if you want to. You can sing!

Christina: Um, thanks, but, honestly, you guys, I like to express my sexuality on stage, but because I'm a woman, people call me a...a "whore" for it.

Patti: Oh, oh, oh! Whatever, whatever! Work that nasty fuzzy cup, baby! [pelvic thrusts] See, Janet, dropping her booby, out like that [gestures with hand], but she don't have your pipes, girl! Y'all can bang Rocky and Bullwinkle for all I care, 'cause you can back it up!

[Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne enter]

Sharon: Hello, everybody! Hello! Yay!

Patti: Yeah!

Sharon: Hello! Hello, Patti! [hugs her]

Patti: Oh!

Sharon: And hello, Star! Congratulations, Stedman!

Al: It's Alan.

Sharon: Oh, oh, oh, my God. There she is, our little songbird.

Christina: Hi, Sharon.

Ozzy: [unintelligible]

Christina: Thank you, thanks, thanks a lot.

Sharon: Christina, I've got to tell you, that was so gorgeous! Who cares if you grind your filthy bum [pumps her arms and gyrates] and shake your man-hungry poon trap? Your voice is like a velvet embrace!

Ozzy: [with unintelligible mumbling] I don't care if I can smell your muff...voice is...shaft of pure light...live in it just like a f***ing...

Sharon: I agree, Ozzy! I agree! Kelly, Kelly, come in here. Come in here, Kelly. [Kelly Osbourne enters] Apologize to Christina.

Kelly: I'm sorry. You're so much more than a worn out spunk barge.

Sharon: And? And?

Kelly: And, if I had your voice and body, I'd probably be secure enough to be a nob-gobbling road whore, too.

Sharon: Yay! Time for a hug, everybody, a hug!

Christina: Uh-uh, no. Okay, first of all, you guys don't get it. You're buying into the same double standard about men and women that I sing about on my records. Weren't you listening to any of the lyrics I was singing about on stage: "The guys get all the glory the more they can score, while the girl can do the same and yet you call her a whore?" I'm just expressing myself and being open and comfortable in my female sexuality and being, you know, strong and secure in my artistic ability.

[Ozzy screams and falls onto a table, breaking it]

Christina: Oh, my God, what just happened?

Sharon: Oh, my God! You made Ozzy think! Somebody get some warm milk and some Vicoden.

Kelly: Dad, don't die again!

Sharon: Ozzy!

Star: [to Al] Stedman, do something! [smacks him]

[Al kneels to try to help Ozzy]

[fade to black]


Submitted by: DavidK93


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