Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 13






03m: Christina Aguilera / Maroon 5

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

.....Jimmy Fallon
.....Tina Fey
.....Will Forte

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it's "Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey."

Jimmy Fallon: I'm Jimmy Fallon --

Tina Fey: Hi, I'm Tina Fey!

Jimmy Fallon: [ slight awkward silence from goofing up the intro ] Here are tonight's top stories.

Howard Dean announced an end to his Democratic presidential bid on Wednesday. Meanwhile, Dennis Kucinich is dropping out so that he can appear on the next episode of "The Littlest Groom".

A new line of t-shirts for women has been introduced, based on "Sex And The City", that features the words "I'm A Carrie", "I'm a Miranda", "I'm A Charlotte", and "I'm A Samantha". Women who purchase all four will get a free fifth shirt: "I'm A Moron".

Tina Fey: According to a new study, walking 45 minutes, three times a week, can help aging adults think more clearly and improve decision-making. Whgile jogging five times a week cannot. [ shows picture of President Bush jogging ]

On tomorrow's "Meet The Press", Green Party leader Ralph Nader will announce whether he will sit out the 2004 election, or enter the race and cause George Bush to win by 3 votes. I think I speak for a lot of people when I say, "Stay home, Nerd! You're the reason we're in this K-hole to begin with!"

Jimmy Fallon: Sources say that when Mattel decided to give Barbie a new boyfriend, they originally wanted to make him non-white. Sadly, the plan was nixed by KKK Ken. [ show image of Ken with KKK hood ]

Tina Fey: Starting Martch 29th, Ireland will ban smoking in public places, including offices and pubs. The transition is expected to go smoothly, because the Irish are known for their easy-going tempers and their respect for authority.

Polaroid is warning customers not to listen to the part of the Outkast song "Hey Ya" that tells people to "shake it like a Polaroid picture", because that could actually ruin the pictures. While, in a related story, Bacardi is warning shorties to be responsible and not sip Bacardi like itís "Dey birfday."

Jimmy Fallon: The New York Yankees outbid the Boston Red Sox to obtain baseball superstar Alex Rodriguiz. In the end, the Yankees were able to offer him something the Red Sox couldn't - a boyfriend.

With the help of two friends and $30,000, a Vietnamese farmer fufilled a dream he had of making his own helicopter from scratch. He then immediately fulfilled his other dream: dying in a fiery helicopter crash.

Tina Fey: February is Black History Month. Here onw, with some personal thoughts on the subject, our very own Kenan Thompson.

Will Forte: Hi, everyone! Happy Black History Month! Wow!

Tina Fey: Will! Will, where's Kenan? Kenan is supposed to be doing this.

Will Forte: Uh, yeah, Tina, uh.. Kenan overslept.

Tina Fey: Well, then.. okay, then, Finesse should be out here.

Will Forte: Finesse, I believe, is entertaining a lady in his dressing room.

Tina Fey: Okay.. then, how about Maya?

Will Forte: Tina! [ chuckles ] ..itís not Half-Black History Month.

Jimmy Fallon: Just let him do the Black History Month piece, Tina.

Will Forte: Yeah, thank you, Dawg!

Jimmy Fallon: No problem, dude.

Will Forte: Okay, first of all, let me start by wishing all the black people here in our audience a happy Black History Month. [ looks around ] Okay.. let's see.. Right there! You! [ points into the audience ] Happy Black History Month! Okay.. where else..? Right there! [ points to another part of the audience ] No? My mistake. Okay.. anywhere else? [ looks around some more ] You! Definitely! Okay. So.. Happy Black History Month, to you, and you - and, sorry again, to you.

O-kay. What do I know about black history? Michael Jordan! He's certainly black. Uh.. and I'm proud of him. Not just for what he did on the basketball court, but also for the Michael Jordan steakhouse. Excellent steaks.. from an excellent black.

Okay.. let's see.. what else about Black History Month..? [ thinking ] Oh! Rap! I love rap! P. Diddy.. Eminem.. Luther Vandross..

Tina Fey: Will! Will! Do you know anything about black history? You want to talk about.. Martin Luther King, or civil rights?

Will Forte: Look, those are great ideas, Dawg!

Tina Fey: Okay.. I-I'd really like it if you didn't call me "Dawg".

Will Forte: Oh, I'm sorry, Boo.

Tina Fey: Yeeeah.. "Boo" is not cool, either.. and you're running out of time.

Will Forte: Okay. Well, then, I'll cut right to the chase, Tizzlezina Fizzlezey. Okay! Martin Luther King? Yea! Slavery? Boo-oo-oo! End of slavery? Yea! Michael Jordan? Yes! Eminem? Double Yes! and that's Black History Month. Goooooooo, blacks! [ points to audience ] You! And you! Gimme a B! [ no response ] No? Okay! Happy Black History Month, everybody!

Tina Fey: Will Forte, everybody. Will Forte.

Jimmy Fallon: This week, Georgiaís board of education approved a plan that allows teachers to keep using the word "Evolution" when teaching biology. Though, as a compromise, dinosaurs are now called "Jesus Horses."

Tina Fey: A controversial new discipline policy at Lawrence middle School in New Jersey, is limiting students to just 15 bathroom breaks a month. Plus one additional bathroom break if you need to give birth to your baby.

PETA has invited 500 students to participate in a giant nude protest in Harvard Square, under the banner "Fur out, love in." Although, with 500 PETA girls there, I bet there will still be a fair amount of fur.

Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, I'm Jimmy Fallon. Good luck at the Oscars, Bill, we're rootin' for you!

Tina Fey: Yeah! I'm Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.


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