Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 14


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


March 6th, 2004

Colin Firth

Norah Jones

Ana Gasteyer

Nightline
Summary: Ted Koppel (Darrell Hammond) and his guests discuss Martha Stewart's (Ana Gasteyer) prison sentencing.

Recurring Characters: Ted Koppel, Rosie O'Donnell, Martha Stewart.

Note: During rehearsal, Amy Poehler played the role of Martha Stewart. Ana Gasteyer made the guest appearance for the live show as a personal favor to Lorne Michaels, as she was in town starring in the Broadway play "Roulette."

Transcript


Montage


Colin Firth's Monologue
Summary: Cast members don fake Shakespearean accents in order to impress Colin Firth.

Bio: English actor Colin Firth's (1960-) career took off after appearing in the 1995 BBC dramatisation of "Pride and Prejudice."

Transcript


Bad Accents
Summary: An English actor (Colin Firth) can't seem to master a Southern accent for his movie scene.


ĄShow Biz Grande Explosion!
Summary: Ferecito (Fred Armisen) teaches Colin Firth how to tell a joke.

Recurring Characters: Ferecito, Manuel Pantalones.

Transcript


TV Funhouse
Summary: Classic cartoon characters are presented as they would appear if censored by the FCC.


Tim Calhoun On Trial
Summary: Politician Tim Calhoun (Will forte) stands trial on drug charges.

Recurring Characters: Tim Calhoun.


Norah Jones performs "Sunrise"
Also Appeared: 02g.


Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey
Summary: Maya Rudolph reports from the streets of New Hampshire, where middle-aged white women are rioting in the wake of Martha Stewart's prison sentence. Director Peter Jackson (Horatio Sanz) awards a stick of gum to his star, Elijah Wood (Rachel Dratch).

Recurring Characters: Bill Clinton.

Transcript


Hotel Wilson
Summary: A horny bellhop (Kenan Thompson) misinterprets the signals given by an English businessman (Colin Firth).

Transcript


Meet The Press
Summary: Ass-kisser John Edwards (Will Forte) refuses to speak negatively of John Kerry.

Recurring Characters: Tim Russert, John Edwards.

Transcript


The Sopranos
Summary: "The Sopranos" has been on hiatus for so long that even the characters can't remember their storylines for the new season.

Transcript


Norah Jones performs "What Am I To You?"


Jesus: Hollywood vs. History
Summary: To counter Mel Gibson's "Passion of the Christ", actor Liam Neeson (Colin Firth) presents some never-before-seen footage of Benny Hill (Will Forte) as Jesus.

Recurring Characters: Liam Neeson.

Transcript


Goodnights
Transcript








Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Backstage
Summary: Billy Bush (Jimmy Fallon) talks with Amy Poehler and Colin Firth backstage.


Jane Eyre
Summary: Classic literature comes to life as Jane Eyre (Rachel Dratch) watches helplessly as her employer, Mr. Rochester (Colin Firth), sneaks off to the attic for sex.

Note: This sketch sees the light next season on the episode hosted by Jude Law.


Kaitlin
Summary: Hyper Kaitlin (Amy Poehler) annoys a musician (Colin Firth) nursing a hangover while he waits for her mom (Rachel Dratch).

Recurring Characters: Kaitlin.

Note: Kaitlin would begin her run as a recurring character later in the season. Her mom is never seen on a live episode, though Horatio Sanz assumes the role of recurring boyfriend, Rick.


Gay Marriage
Summary: A pair of lawyers (Chris Parnell, Will Forte) advertise the divorce rate of gay marriages.


Friendly Debate
Summary: Two guys Fred Armisen, Seth Meyers) debate about voting, but agree on beating up a mime (Chris Parnell).


17th Annual Adult Movie Awards
Summary: Due to the sensitive nature of the broadcast, the awards show is cut short.

Note: This sketch is also cut from the dress rehearsal of the Ben Affleck episode, but would finally air in the episode hosted by Lindsay Lohan.


Discovery Times
Summary: Seth Meyers uncovers the History of Douchebags.



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