Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 14




03n: Colin Firth / Norah Jones

¡Show Biz Grande Explosion!

Ferecito.....Fred Armisen
Mañuel Pantalones.....Horatio Sanz
.....Colin Firth

(Loud mariachi music, followed by two title images: Univision en English and ¡Showbiz Grande Explosion!)

(INT. - TALK SHOW SET OF ¡SHOWBIZ GRANDE EXPLOSION!)

(Camera on MAÑUEL (played by Horatio Sanz), mariachi sidekick to the talk show host.)

Mañuel Pantalones: Chicas and Cucarachas! Welcome to ¡Showbiz Grande Explosion! Here’s your host, straight from the looney bin, Ferecito!

(Audience applauds loudly, while the host FERECITO (played by Fred Armisen) enters accompanied by the show’s theme music set to a salsa beat and begins to play the drums.)

Ferecito: Did you feel it? (wants a better response) I said, did you feel it? (audience responds loudly) Man, we’ve got a great show for you today! I’m gonna start right now with my monologue. OK, here goes.

Did you hear about this guy Kobe Bryant? Boy, he’s in a lot of trouble. I hear he’s been traded to the Toronto Rape-tors! (hits a rimshot and rests his head in his hands in an exaggerated manner) ¡Ay Dios Mio!

Hey Kobe! It’s called, “keep your plantain in your pants!”

Google!

(Cut to MAÑUEL laughing.)

Mañuel Pantalones: Google, that’s right!

Ferecito: Hey Mañuel, let me ask you a question. Do you know what it means when I say “Google”?

Mañuel Pantalones: Computer?

Ferecito: Computers, huh? Mañuel just got his GED. It stands for: “Gee, he’s a dummy!” (Hits a rimshot and rests his head in his hands in an exaggerated manner) ¡Ay Dios Mio!

(MAÑUEL is not amused; his lip quivers.)

Ferecito: Mañuel...I’m jus keeding!

(MAÑUEL responds in laughter.)

Ferecito: Give it up to Mañuel Pantalones and his Mariachis!

(Wild audience response as Mañuel and his band play music.)

Ferecito: (goes to sit at his desk) OK, so how you doing, Mañuel?

Mañuel Pantalones: Oh, I’m alright, you know. I wish I had more money.

Ferecito: Oh, listen, Mañuel is so poor, even his email address is in a bad neighborhood! (Hits a rimshot and rests his head in his hands in an exaggerated manner) ¡Ay Dios Mio!

(MAÑUEL is shown laughing.)

Ferecito: Gracias! Gracias! Thank you very much. Now it’s time for my favorite comedy routine called “Los Headlines!”

(MAÑUEL sings “Los Headlines!” in manner of Paul Shaffer's intros on Late Night with David Letterman.)

Ferecito: (points to an enlarged newspaper clipping on a board a la Jay Leno on the Tonight Show) Check this out. This is from a real newspaper from Montana. It says, “Seven Killed in Bus Crash.” That’s terrible. But zoom in closer. Look, where it happened. “Butte, Montana.” Butte, Montana! That’s the name of the city. Can you believe? You can’t write this stuff. Butte! It says Butte! You know, I would move there, but I bet it stinks. (Hits a rimshot and rests his head in his hands in an exaggerated manner) ¡Ay Dios Mio! That was “Los Headlines!”

(MAÑUEL sings “Los Headlines!” to close out segment.)

Ferecito: OK, good job, Mañuel! That’s great. My first guest is Colin Firth. Get it “Firth.” “First guest?”

Mañuel Pantalones: Good thing he wasn’t your “thecond guest!”

Ferecito: Mañuel! You on fuego tonight!

(MAÑUEL, points to FERECITO smiling broadly.)

Ferecito: Let’s bring out my first guest. From the movie Girl With a Pearl Earring, put your hands together for Colin Firth!

(Wild applause as Colin enters and shakes FERECITO’S hand. He sits down in a chair next to the host’s desk.)

Ferecito: How are you doing? Alright? Sit down. So, Colin Firth, you are from England?

Colin Firth: I am. I am indeed.

Ferecito: And, as a fellow foreigner trying to make it here in this crazy country, let me ask you, “Can you believe how many men circumcise their penises over here?

Colin Firth: I hadn’t noticed.

Ferecito: I mean, the locker room of my gymnasium looks like a mushroom farm! (Hits a rimshot and rests his head in his hands in an exaggerated manner) ¡Ay Dios Mio!

Colin Firth: (smiling) That’s very funny. Sounds like your gym...it sounds like it’s full of fun guys. (laughs to himself) Get it, mushrooms, fungi?

(MAÑUEL and FERECITO shake their heads, not amused.)

Mañuel Pantalones: I don’t get it.

Ferecito: Yeah, that’s OK, Mañuel. (back to Colin) So, it says here you do a lot of traveling.

Colin Firth: Yeah, actually I just flew in from London on the Red Eye. The flight was so long that they should have called it the Red Back-SIDE! (smiles broadly, waiting for their response)

Mañuel Pantalones: (still not impressed) Oh, boy.

Ferecito: Oh, Colin, I think you need a little bit of help with your comedy delivery.

Colin Firth: What do you mean?

Ferecito: Your jokes just lay there. You need some excitement. Do as Ferecito would, like this. Pretend you have two imaginary guns, like this...(makes two guns out of his hands) and you shoot them off like this at the end of your joke. (He demonstrates, shooting his finger guns in the air.) “Pow! Pow!” (egging COLIN on) OK, let’s try it. You flew in from London...

Colin Firth: I flew in from London, but the flight was so long, they should have been called the Red Back-SIDE.

Ferecito: Now shoot off your guns like this. (He shoots in the air) Pow! Pow!

Colin Firth: (pointing toward the audience) Pow? Pow?

Ferecito: No, no. What are you doing? Not at the audience! That’s dangerous, man. Up here. (Points his “finger guns” in the air.) Is more playful like this.

(COLIN follows suit, pointing his finger guns into the air.)

Ferecito: OK, then stick out your tongue like this.

(FERECITO cocks his head to the side, bulges his eyes out and sticks his tongue out, looking totally ridiculous. COLIN copies him exactly, making a very silly face.)

Ferecito: How does that feel?

Colin Firth: Better.

Ferecito: See, Colin Firth, it’s more professional. Besides any gimmick like that can really help shine up one of those turd burgers you call a joke.

Colin Firth: What?

Ferecito: I’m jus keeding!!

(Music starts to play. FERECITO perks up.)

Ferecito: Oh, listen! That means it’s time to sing. (to COLIN) Do you want to sing with me?

Colin Firth: Sure.

(Both COLIN and FERECITO get up in front of the host’s desk. FERECITO starts swaying side to side with the music. COLIN watches and starts to follow his movements.)

Ferecito: (singing) I say potato, and you say...

Colin Firth: (still swaying) I don’t know this song.

Ferecito: (still singing) I say tomato, and you say...

Colin Firth: No, I’m serious.

Ferecito: (singing) Tomato...

Colin Firth: I’m sorry.

Ferecito: Potato...

Colin Firth: I never heard of it.

(The music stops.)

Colin Firth: (does the silly face) I’m jus keeding!!!

Ferecito: Oh, that’s great! (continues singing) Let’s call the whole thing...

Colin Firth: (singing) Let’s call the whole thing . . .

Ferecito & Colin Firth: (finishing with a flourish) Let’s call the whole thing off!

Ferecito: All right! We’ll see you later!

(COLIN and FERECITO continue to sway as music plays them off.)


Transcript courtesy of: ColinFirth.com


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