Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 14

03n: Colin Firth / Norah Jones

Hotel Wilson

Randall.....Kenan Thompson
Mr. Collins.....Colin Firth
Larry.....Horatio Sanz
Officer David...Chris Parnell
Man.....Seth Meyers
Bellhop.....Fred Armisen

[open on covered entranceway labeled Hotel Wilson]

[dissolve to interior]

[a man in a business suit, Mr. Collins, enters hotel room, closely followed by a bellhop, Randall, carrying his luggage]

Randall: [sets down bags] All righty, here is your room, Mr. Collins.

Collins: Wow, this is nice.

Randall: You in town for the software convention?

Collins: Yeah, that's right. I came in from London.

Randall: Hey, that's great. Well, your mini-bar is right over there [gestures stage right]. Extra towels and blankets are in the closet [gestures behind self].

Collins: Thanks, thanks. [Randall holds hand out for a tip] I'll...oh. [produces some bills from a pocket and gives them to Randall]

Randall: [puts the money in his pocket] I hope you enjoy your stay with us. And if you need anything, please, my name is Randall; don't hesitate to call.

Collins: Okay, well, Randall, actually, yeah, I just wanted to ask you, I mean, I'm in town for this convention and my girlfriend isn't here, so, you, ah, you wouldn't happen to know, um...?

Randall: Oh, you, you're looking for some professional company? [raises eyebrows meaningfully]

Collins: Exactly, yes. I have to be discreet, because people I work with are staying here, too.

Randall: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I understand that. How much did you want to spend?

Collins: Oh, I don't know. A hundred dollars.

Randall: A hundred dollars, yeah, that should be fine. Okay, let's get those pants off! [lunges towards Collins' crotch and tries to undo his pants]

Collins: No, no, no! [backs away and pushes Randall off of him]

Randall: Hey, hey, come on man! I'm in a big hurry here. If I'm not back down at that front desk in fifteen minutes, I'm in big trouble. Now let's go. [reaches for Collins' pants again]

Collins: Please, don't do that! Please.

Randall: Oh, you know, I'm sorry. I should have said before. I got condoms. [unfurls a strip of about a dozen wrapped condoms] They're ribbed for your pleasure.

Collins: Well, I don't care. I don't care if they're "ribbed for my pleasure."

Randall: Oh, well then fine. I'll turn them inside-out.

Collins: No, that's not what I had in mind.

Randall: Oh, you're right. I misunderstood. Sorry. You want to watch me. That's cool. [flops onto bed in a sitting position and begins to undo his own pants]

Collins: No, no, that's not what I meant! No, for God's sake, just stop it!

Randall: You know what? [stands back up] I think I understand what's going on here. Mr. Collins, you're a racist!

Collins: No, no, I'm not a racist.

Randall: What, you don't like black people?

Collins: No, I like black people.

Randall: Oh, well then good, 'cause you're getting ready to love one. Randall's about to rock your world! C'mon! [makes playful, sexy gestures and reaches for Collins' pants again]

[Collins and Randall grapple over Collins' crotch ]

Collins: No, no, stop, just leave. I'm not a homosexual! [turns away, breaking Randall's grip on him]

Randall: What, what are you trying to say? I'm a homosexual?

Collins: Well, no, but...You were trying to take my pants off, and I'd say that's pretty gay.

Randall: No, it's not. I was gonna be the man. You're the one that was gonna be sweet.

Collins: No, no, get out of my room!

Randall: Well, where's my bread then?

Collins: Well, I'm not going to pay you. I haven't done anything. We haven't done anything.

Randall: Well then, get your pants off! [reaches for them again]

Collins: No! I'm calling the manager! [rushes to the bedside phone]

Randall: Oh, wait, I'll get him. [yelling] Larry! You better get in here!

[Larry enters]

Larry: What the hell's going on here?

Collins: This man's trying to molest me.

Larry: Randall?

Randall: Man, this dude was going to pay me a hundred dollars to have sex with him.

Larry: Aren't you supposed to be at the front desk?

Randall: I'm on a fifteen minute break.

Larry: Fifteen minute break? Hurry up, let's get this dude's pants off! [Larry and Randall try to pull down Collins' pants]

Collins: No! No! I don't want to! Please! [they desist] Look, if it will get you out of my room. Here. A hundred dollars. [gives money to Larry]

Randall: Well, you know what? You called him in here, and you made this a threesome. So that's an extra hundred.

Collins: No, I will not give you an extra hundred. I'm calling the police.

Randall: Hey, never mind, I'll get him. [yelling] Officer David!

[Officer David enters]

David: This guy giving you trouble, Randall?

Randall: Yes.

[David passes Randall and walks up to Collins]

Collins: No, no, I'm not, officer. There was this little misunderstanding.

David: Sir! You have the right to remain...horny!

[Randall turns on the radio. Beyoncé's "Crazy Right Now" plays. Randall and Larry hip-hop dance while David grinds against Collins from behind.]

Collins: [to David] You're not even a policeman!

David: No, but I have urges like any other man.

Collins: Stop! Stop! [waves arms in wild desperation] Stop the music! Stop! You win! [music stops] Here, take the money! Take the money. Just take it. Go, please. [gives money to all three men]

Randall: Ah, thank you, Mr. Collins. If there's anything you need to make your stay a little more comfortable, the name's Randall.

[Randall, Larry, and David exit the room]

[Collins sits on the bed and picks up the phone]

Collins: We've got to get out of here. The staff just tried to roger me.

[dissolve to another hotel room, where a man wearing a white undershirt is sitting in bed]

Man: Oh, my God. That's, that's terrible. Um, I'll meet you downstairs, in about... [a bellhop leans over from out of shot to kiss him seductively on the cheek] ...thirty minutes. [puts down phone] [to bellhop] This time, I'll be the caterer. [picks up a bowl of strawberries and begins feeding them to bellhop]

Submitted by: DavidK93

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