Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 15

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Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

March 13th, 2004

Ben Affleck


Kelly Ripa

Boston Teens
Summary: Sully (Jimmy Fallon) and Denise (Rachel Dratch) attend the wedding of Donny Bartalotti (Ben Affleck), but are surprised to discover he's come out of the closet for a gay ceremony.

Recurring Characters: Sully, Denise, Donny Bartalotti, Frank.



Ben Affleck's Monologue
Summary: Ben Affleck beats the media bandwagon by showing off the Bennifer-style t-shirts that will accentuate potential future love matches.

Also Hosted: 99m, 04a.


Z105 Morning Crew
Summary: Joey Mack (Jimmy Fallon) discovers that pal Dan the Garbage Man (Ben Affleck) has stolen all his characters for his own show.

Recurring Characters: Joey Mack.


Summary: While filming the mental institution scene from "Gigli", mentally-challenged Frondi (Fred Armisen) cautions Ben Affleck that the film will suck.


TV Funhouse
Summary: Mel Gibson explores the making Of "The Passion Of The Dumpty."

Appalachian Emergency Room
Summary: More medical mishaps among the trailer trash society.

Recurring Characters: Receptionist, Percy Bo Dance, Netti Bo Dance, Tyler.

Only Bangkok I
Summary: A businessman (Seth Meyers) deals with a dead hooker in hotel room while in Thailand.


N.E.R.D. performs "She Wants To Move"
Bio: Rock band N.E.R.D. (acronym: No-one Ever Really Dies) is Pharrell Williams, Chad Hugo, and Shae Haley.

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey
Summary: Finesse Mitchell asks bill collectors to leave him alone. Diana Ross (Maya Rudolph) hasn't completed 48 consecutive hours in jail. Former president Bill Clinton (Darrell Hammond) comments on the bickering between George W. Bush and John Kerry.

Recurring Characters: Diana Ross, Bill Clinton.


Top O' The Morning
Summary: Patrick Fitzwilliam () and William Fitzpatrick () welcome their Bono-obsessed friend, Ronald McDonald (Ben Affleck), to the show.

Recurring Characters: Patrick Fitzwilliam, William Fitzpatrick.

Only Bangkok II
Summary: A woman's (Amy Poehler) marriage to actor Ben Affleck turns sour during her stay in Thailand.


Donnie G. and Sidecar
Summary: Trooper Donnie G. (Ben Affleck) is oblivious that his sidekick, Sidecar (Fred Armisen), is getting banged into objects on the side of the road.


Only Bangkok III
Summary: Ben Affleck and Kelly Ripa wreck a businessman's (Seth Meyers) room during his stay in Thailand.


N.E.R.D. performs "Maybe"

The Full Moon Killer
Summary: At the office, an employee (Ben Affleck) jeopardizes his secret identity by defending the Full Moon Killer's missed hit.



Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Thrill Seekers
Summary: Talk show host (Ben Affleck) only pays attention to one of his thrill seeking guests (Seth Meyers), but ignores the others (Maya Rudolph, Finesse Mitchell).

17th Annual Adult Movie Awards
Summary: Due to the sensitive nature of the broadcast, the awards show is cut short.

Note: This sketch was also cut from the dress rehearsal of the Colin Firth episode, but would finally air in the episode hosted by Lindsay Lohan.

Desert Island
Summary: Ben Affleck is stranded on a desert island with an overzealous female fan (Rachel Dratch).

Merv the Perv
Summary: Merv the Perv (Chris Parnell) visits a pregnant women's yoga class.

Recurring Characters: Merv the Perv.

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