Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 15




03o: Ben Affleck / N.E.R.D.

Ben Affleck's Monologue

.....Ben Affleck

Ben Affleck: Thank you! Thannk you, thank you! [ clears his throat ] It's great ot be back here, this is my second time hosting "Saturday Night Live" -- [ audience erupts into cheers ] Very exciting. A lot of you know I have a new movie coming out - "Jersey Girl" - I'm very excited about that. It's great to be back here on the East Coast - a lot of people know I'm from Boston, but what you may not know about me is that I was actually born in California. Yes. My family moved to Boston when I was about three.

Here's another thing, you may not know about me - at one time.. I dated Jennifer Lopez. [ audience cheers ] I-it's true. You may not have been aware of that, because, maybe, you've been, say.. trapped in a mine shaft for the last eighteen months. Or, maybe you just don't enjoy watching TV. Or.. reading magazines. Listening to the radio. Or talking to people. Or walking down the street, say! Honestly, I was pretty shocked at, uh.. all the attention we received. There was only one thing tht really bothered me, though. and that was, being referred to as -- [ audience member yells "Bennifer!" ] Bennifer. Thank you, sir. [ audience cheers ] I mean - Bennifer. How hard is that? How hard is it to say two names, instead of one? Ben and Jennifer - Bennifer! You're not saving that much time! It was on the cover of every magazine in America, and they were selling a lot of magazines. But I did not see Dime One!

That is why.. I'm selling these babies right here. [ pulls out a t-shirt that reads "Bennifer" ] I had the name trademarked, printed up about 50,000 units - all sizes, 100% Egyptian cotton - beefy T's. This is a quality product, folks. However, it turns out, that, when you make a product of this quality, you ned about eight months lead-time. So, uh.. they all came in last week! All 50,000 of them! Yeah. Long story short - I'm pricing them to move! $10 a piece; $15, if I sign them; for $20, I'll sign them "Bennifer"! Okay? Now.. my timing was a bit off, I'm not going to get caught in a buy like that again. I'm thinking ahead - I got my bases covered for the next time. You ready?

[ pulls out a second t-shirt that reads: ]

Benyonce!

It could happen. I mean.. nobody saw the J-Lo thing coming.. Or.. or.. how about.. [ pulls out a third t-shirt that reads: ]

Boprah.

What, be honest - she's looking very good these days! A very attractive woman.

[ clears throat ] I guess this is, maybe, a kind of a long shot, but..

[ pulls out a fourth t-shirt that reads: ]

Mary-Kate and Ashfleck

Now, this one is for the off-chance that I get together with Marcia Gay-Harden: [ pulls out a fifth t-shirt that reads "Ben-Gay" ]

Or.. or.. or, or.. in the unlikely, but.. wonderful event - hope, hope - that Matt finally comes around.

Alright! We've got a great show! We've got 2-for-1 t-shirts in the back! N.E.R.D. is here! Stick around, we'll be right back!


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