Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 15







03o: Ben Affleck / N.E.R.D.

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

.....Jimmy Fallon
.....Tina Fey
.....Finesse Mitchell
Diana Ross.....Maya Rudolph
President Bill Clinton.....Darrell Hammond

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it's "Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey."

Jimmy Fallon: Hi, I'm Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I'm Tina Fey. And here are tonight's top stories.

The California Supreme Court on Thursday halted gay marriages and then announced that it would decide in May or June whether same-sex marriages are legal. A spokesman for the court said, “DRAMA!”

The 25 members of Iraq’s governing council signed a landmark interim Constitution Monday. Officials say it’s the first Constitution in history to end with the words, “Here goes nothing.”

Jimmy Fallon: Singer David Crosby was arrested in New York when hotel workers found an ounce of pot, a knife, and a .45-caliber handgun in his room after he checked out. Man, what did he remember to take with him?

The first same-sex couple in New Jersey was married Monday in Asbury Park. Really, in all of New Jersey, the gay dudes had to get married in a place called Ass-bury Park? Really? C’mon.

Tina Fey: President Bush’s victories in the Southern primaries have given him enough delegates to seal the Republican nomination for a second term. While Bush had no real opposition, Republicans did get to choose between Cowboy Bush, Action Guy Bush, Martha Stewart Bush, and Bush Regular.

Jimmy Fallon: Well, with tax season upon us, here with a little tax advice is our very own financial guru Finesse Mitchell, ladies and gentleman. [polite applause, Tina cheers; pan to Finesse]

Finesse Mitchell: Thank you, thank you. Thanks Jimmy. You know, I didn’t always tell jokes. I am a graduate from the University of Miami, and they have some of the best college professors Cuba has to offer. However, I don’t know crap about taxes, I’m gonna be honest with you all, because this is my first year with a real job. But I do know a lot about bill collectors, so right now, I’m speaking on behalf of all the people who ever took out a student loan for college when I say, “Back up off me, Citibank! Back up! Because I know I’m late on my payments, but stop calling me, and stop shouting at me in those nasty letters-

Jimmy Fallon: Wait, wait, wait, wait- they shout at you in the letters?

Finesse Mitchell: Oh, oh, Jimmy- my letter will start out real nice, in black ink. “Dear Finesse: We notice you are 60 days late on your student loan payment.” And then it’ll switch to the red, bold ink. “If you do not pay back your student loan, we will make it so that you will never be able to buy a house. If you do not pay back your student loan, we will make it so that you will never be able to buy a car. We will ruin your credit. You will never get financed. We will have you deported. You will never be an American citizen,” and I’m like, what? How much power does Citibank have?

But now I’m mad, and since I’m a college graduate, that means I have to sit down and take time out of my day and write them back, with my black pen, and my red pen. And I start out real nice in black ink. “Dear Student Loan: Thank you for making me aware of my lateness.” And then I switch to my red pen. “But I don’t want no damn house, and I don’t want no damn car. I can make a million dollars, and live in my momma’s house, and drive my momma’s car, for the rest of my life, just to tick y’all off. [applause]

“So listen. Please stop calling my house between the hours of one and two, because that’s when Days of Our Lives come on and you keep interrupting my soap opera. Now Marlena is the Salem Serial Killer, and she’s killing about two people a day, so how can I send you money when people are just dying all around me? ‘Cause you’re being selfish.” And then I get my black pen, and I sign it: “Sincerely, Finesse Mitchell.” And then I mail that back off to them Jimmy, that’s what I do.

So on behalf of anyone who owes money, I say, listen up banks. Put away those red pens, and back up off us!

Jimmy Fallon: Finesse Mitchell, everybody! [applause]

Tina Fey: On Monday, Viacom pulled Martha Stewart’s TV show from stations around the country. Martha’s only been off the air one week already, and look how my meatloaf turned out! [Tina lifts up a pan with a dead cat covered in tomato sauce] I need you, Martha! [pan is placed back underneath the desk]

Despite the fact that Stewart had disgraced herself too much to hold an official position at OmniMedia, the company may still use her name and images to sell their products. You know, sort of like Clinton and the Democrats.

DirectTV has filed suit against OJ Simpson, accusing him of pirating its satellite television signal. In an unrelated story, DirectTV has been stabbed to death. [applause]

Jimmy Fallon: According to a new report, half of all young Americans will get a sexually transmitted disease by the age of 25. [Addressing a different camera, zoomed in on his face] You’re welcome.

[applause] I get all embarrassed--

Starting this month, all employees at Starbucks’ North American stores will be required to complete four hours of new training. The course is called, “How Not to Talk to Your Friend When There are 20 People Waiting in Line, Dammit.” [applause]

Tina Fey: This week, singer Diana Ross was ordered to serve additional jail time in Tuscon, Arizona after Ross failed to serve her original sentence in a Connecticut jail. Here to defend herself is Diana Ross.

[polite applause; pan to Diana]

[SUPER: "Diana Ross / Singer, Convict"]

Diana Ross: Wooo! Hey hey! All right! [plays with her large hair] Hi everybody! Hi Tina-na-naaa!

Tina Fey: Hi! Hi, Ms. Ross. Now- now I’m a little confused here. Why do you have to go back to jail?

Diana Ross: Oh, they’re sayin’ I didn’t serve enough time. But let me tell you something, Tina-na-naa, I was at that jail! I was at that jail a lot. I spent a lot of time at, and around, and near that jail! [gives herself a hug]

Tina Fey: Now as I understand it, you were allowed to ss- [cracks up] they let you self-schedule your time. Did you serve the whole 48 hours?

Diana Ross: Oh sure I did, Ticki-Tina! I mean, I only left once when I ran out to the 7-11 for some turkey jerky! Oh, you know how that is, Tina, when you gotsta have your turkey jerky!

Tina Fey: No, no, I don’t.

Diana Ross: But that was one of the only times I was not at, or around that jail! I swear it! Oh, except for those couple of times when I left jail to meet a friend for drinks. And then the one other time I went to the grand opening of a Wendy’s, and they paid me 500 dollars and all the hamburgers I could eat! But other than that, I was almost always at, around, next to or inside of that jail! [plays with her hair some more]

Tina Fey: So, how much of the 48 hours did you actually serve?

Diana Ross: About 45 minutes. But it felt like an hour! Ooh, cut me some slack, Teeny-tootsie-tiny-Tina! [rubs Tina’s chest]

Tina Fey: Diana Ross, everybody! [applause] Thank you, Ms. Ross. Thank you.

Pier One Imports has replaced spokesperson Kirstie Alley with Tom Filicia of “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.” Fortunately, Alley was able to find a new job over at Pier 6. [photo of Alley driving a truck at a real pier] She’s working.

Jimmy Fallon: That’s nice.

Here’s a nice story from Holland. A cocker spaniel hunted down a rabbit, but instead of killing it, the spaniel has adopted the animal as his friend. Hey, that’s kinda like how we met, Tina.

Tina Fey: Yes, but I still plan to kill you. [both pause for a moment]

Jimmy Fallon: A 52-year-old man in Kenya said to have gone ten years without taking a bath was grabbed by villagers, tied up, and forcibly washed down. The question is, what was Mickey Rourke doing in Kenya in the first place? [applause]

Tina Fey: With sweeping wins in last Tuesday’s primaries, it comes as no surprise that John Kerry has clinched the Democratic nomination. What has surprised some is how quickly the Bush camp has moved into attack mode against its presumptive adversary. Here to comment is Weekend Update exclusive campaign correspondent President Bill Clinton. [polite applause; pan to President Clinton]

[President Clinton smiles and nods; some laughter]

President Bill Clinton: Thank you, Tina. And may I say once again how very lovely you look.

Tina Fey: Well, thank you Mr. President.

President Bill Clinton: No, no, no, I mean it. I don’t usually go for the smart, well-informed, freethinking types. I tried it once many years ago, and- [shakes his head] good God, it didn’t work out. But you’ve got me rethinking that position. And imagining a whole bunch of new ones.

Tina Fey: All right. Please, just get to your piece.

[President Clinton grins]

President Bill Clinton: Thank you for that line. [Once he composes himself, he waves to Jimmy]

Jimmy Fallon: How you doing, man?

President Bill Clinton: Hi Jimmy.

Jimmy Fallon: How you doing? Good to see you!

President Bill Clinton: It’s only March, and already President Bush has started airing attack ads against John Kerry. To that I can only say, brother, you gotsta chill. You’re the president, man. You got to live it up! When Bob Dole first came around I barely noticed. I had my wife in charge of Medicare; I was out chasing tail. [grins, nods; applause] I was in the middle of a reelection campaign, and I…did…not…care…at all.

Meanwhile John Kerry has a lot of people up in arms over his remark that Bush’s people are a bunch of liars and crooks. Word of advice, my friend: that may not be the best angle. I got called a liar and the next thing you know I’m making deals with DreamWorks, my wife’s a senator, and I’m the first white dude in the black hall of fame. [laughs, then suddenly becomes serious]

This is not war, folks. This is a couple of Ivy League nerds slap-fighting over the last cucumber sandwich. Wake me up when the real stuff gets going. I mean, seriously, has there even been one impeachment in this presidency? [shakes his head] Get off your asses, fellas! You have a lot to work to do. Jimmy, Tina?

Tina Fey: President Clinton, everyone!

Jimmy Fallon: For "Weekend Update", I'm Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I'm Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.


Submitted by: Mike Arroyo


SNL Transcripts