Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 16

This free script provided by

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


April 3rd, 2004

Donald Trump

Toots and the Maytals


Carolyn Kepcher

George Ross

Ben Harper

Jack Johnson

The Roots

Daniel Bedingfield

The Apprentice
Summary: In a parody of "The Apprentice", Donald Trump must choose to fire Amy Poehler, Jimmy Fallon or Finesse Mitchell. Lorne Michaels wants in on the fun, too.

Note: Donald Trump wanted to deliver the opening line, but it was given to Carolyn Kepcher instead because "he's already a billionaire."


Note: Lindsay Lohan was originally slated to host this episode, but was pushed back in order to coincide with the theatrical release of "Mean Girls."

Donald Trump's Monologue
Summary: After stroking his ego, Donald Trump authorizes his back-up Donald Trump (Darrell Hammond) to fire Jeff Zucker (Jimmy Fallon).

Recurring Characters: Donald Trump, Jeff Zucker.

Bio: Billionaire real estate mogul Donald Trump (1946-) joined the reality TV craze with the advent of "The Apprentice."


Fear Factor Junior
Summary: Joe Rogan (Fred Armisen) puts grade schoolers to the test.

Note: The dad is played by Rob Riggle, who will join the cast of SNL next season as a featured performer.


Live! with Regis & Kelly
Summary: Regis Philbin's (Darrell Hammond) close, personal friend Donald Trump controls his own ratings during an interview.

Recurring Characters: Regis Philbin, Kelly Ripa.

Star Jones
Summary: As he walks away from the "Live!" set, Donald Trump runs into Star Jones (Kenan Thompson) in the audience.

Recurring Characters: Star Jones.

Donald Trump's House of Wings
Summary: Following the styles of Derek Jeter and Rev. Al Sharpton, Donald Trump opens his own corny theme restaurant.


Toots and the Maytals with Ben Harper and Jack Johnson perform "Love Gonna Walk Out on Me"
Bio: Frederick "Toots" Hibbert, Raleigh Gordon and Jerry Matthias formed reggae/ska group Toots and the Maytals in the late 1960's. They disbanded in the early 1980's, but reformed during the following decade.

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey
Summary: Tina Fey doesn't want to go through with revamped "Weekend Trump Date" format. Odd things fall on an irate Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth's (Maya Rudolph) head during her guest commentary.

Note: Cut segments include: Chris Parnell as a movie critic, and a Boston Red Sox commentary by Seth Meyers.


The Prince and the Pauper
Summary: A bored Donald Trump (Darrell Hammond) trades places with a janitor (Donald Trump).

Recurring Characters: Donald Trump.


Fathers and Sons
Summary: Peter Fleck (Seth Meyers) tries to connect with his tough-love dad (Donald Trump).


9/11 Hearings
Summary: Richard Clarke (Darrell Hammond) proclaims his advanced knowledge of 9/11.


Toots and the Maytals with Bootsy Collins & The Roots perform "Funky Kingston"

The Apprentice Band
Summary: Donald Trump, George Ross (Fred Armisen) and Carolyn Kepcher (Amy Poehler) practice their band with a performance of "She's Got Class."


Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Star Jones II
Summary: Star Jones (Kenan Thompson) stops Donald Trump once again, to discuss "American Idol" with him.

Recurring Characters: Star Jones, Al Reynolds.

TV Funhouse
Summary: Rob Smigel presents a cartoon about Donald Trump.

A Private Moment
Summary: Donald Trump shares a private moment with his money, then shreds it.

Trump's Book
Summary: Donald Trump writes a love story but releases it on audio.

Meet The Press
Summary: A song braks out as Tim Russert (Darrell Hammond) interviews Condoleeza Rice (Maya Rudolph).

Recurring Characters: Tim Russert, Condoleeza Rice.

Star Jones III
Summary: Star Jones (Kenan Thompson) follows Donald Trump through the studio, then breaks up with her fiance, Al Reynolds (Finesse Mitchell).

Recurring Characters: Star Jones, Al Reynolds.

Jayson Williams
Summary: Jayson Williams (Finesse Mitchell) discusses his recent scandal with his lawyer (Donald Trump).

Note: This sketch is also cut from next week's episode with Janet Jackson.

SNL Transcripts