03p: Donald Trump / Toots and the Maytals

Donald Trump's House of Wings

... Donald Trump
Dancing Chicken ... Maya Rudolph
Dancing Chicken ... Amy Poehler
Dancing Chicken ... Kenan Thompson
Dancing Chicken ... Seth Meyers
David Crosby ... Horatio Sanz

[Cheap neon sign reads: TRUMP'S House of Wings. The synth-driven riff from the Pointer Sisters' hit 1984 pop song "Jump (For My Love)" is heard as we pull back and pan down to reveal real estate mogul Donald Trump in a spectacularly awful all-yellow suit and tie. He stands in front of a couple of diners and addresses the camera.]

Donald Trump: Cock-a-doodle-doo, folks. I'm Donald Trump. ... And there's two things in the world I love -- a good deal and a good meal. So when I drove by a defunct Meineke Muffler Shop in Englewood, New Jersey ... I knew what I hadda do! I hadda buy it on the cheap and convert it into a restaurant specializing in buffalo chicken wings. ... So I did. And it's the most important thing I've ever done in my entire life. ... So, please, join me -- at Donald Trump's House of Wings!

[Trump gestures and four dancers, wearing goofy yellow and white chickens-popping-out-of-eggshells costumes, boogie into view and join him. They gesture energetically as they sing a parody of "Jump":]

Dancing Chickens: [sing]
Trump! You know our wings will make you happy!
Trump in! You know our wings will fill you up!
Trump! If you want a place with awesome chicken wings, yeah,
Donald Trump's House of Wings!

[The Donald, who has been dancin' like the proverbial white man in the midst of all this, claps his hands and the chickens boogie backward out of view to huge cheers and applause. An impressed Trump pauses and nods acknowledgment to the crowd before continuing:]

Donald Trump: Am I saying I'm a chicken wing expert? No. But I can tell you this -- the wing is hands down the best part of the chicken. Better than the head. Better than the torso. Better than the back! And at Donald Trump's House of Wings, you can get them with five different levels of hotness -- Regular, Hot, Three Alarm, Suicidal -- and Hell Spawn! [Each level is illustrated with a photo of Trump: "Smiling;" "Smiling but Red-Faced;" "Red-Faced and Wearing a Fireman's Helmet with Cheeks Puffed Out;" "Horned Goateed Red-Faced Devil with Cheeks Puffed Out;" and "Red-Faced with Eyes Bulging, Tongue Sticking Out and Steam Coming Out of Ears."] ... And, if you like celery, congratulations! It's on the house. ...

[Dancing chickens return. Trump claps, pumps a fist in the air and bobs in place arrhythmically.]

Dancing Chickens: [sing]
Trump! You know our wings come with free celery!
Trump in! You know these veggies are good for you!
Trump! If you want bleu cheese, there'll be a dollar extra!
Donald Trump's House of Wings!

[Trump claps his hands and the chickens boogie backward out of view, once again, to huge cheers and applause.]

Donald Trump: Donald Trump's House of Wings is hands down the best wing restaurant in New Jersey. If you don't believe me, ask my good friend, rock 'n' roll legend David Crosby.

[Synth riff fades out as white-haired, cherubic David Crosby enters with an acoustic guitar.]

David Crosby: Hey, Donny, man! When I'm not smokin' weed, firin' guns or throwing my sperm around the lesbian community ... I'm wolfin' down wings as fast as they can hack 'em off them little bastards! ...

Donald Trump: Hey, listen, listen. That wasn't in the script. You're not supposed to be talking like that. That's not right.

David Crosby: Oh, sorry, Donny, man.

Donald Trump: Take it easy.

David Crosby: Well, I call 'em like I sees 'em!

Donald Trump: Yeah, take it easy.

David Crosby: But I will say this about your place, Donald Trump.
[strums guitar, sings a slightly altered line from the 1970 Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young song, "Our House"]
His house is a very, very, very fine house --
[spoken with enthusiasm]
-- of Wings! ... Ha ha! Alrighty, I'm out of here! [pulls out a handgun and a plastic bag of marijuana] Hey, can you hold these for me? [tries to hand these to Trump]

Donald Trump: [pushes them away in disgust] I'm not gonna touch 'em. [tries to push Crosby offstage] Get out of here. Come on, get out.

David Crosby: [laughs] All right. [waves into the camera] Hey! Take it easy, Trumpy!

[Applause as David Crosby exits and the synth riff returns.]

Donald Trump: [shakes his head, disgusted with Crosby] Terrible! [continues, to camera] To all you people out there -- stop by and enjoy! And to all you chickens -- You're fry-ered! ... [looks around, shakes his head again, disgusted at the corny joke on his signature "You're fired" line] I don't like that. Come on, get the dancers back.

[Trump waves for the chickens and they return for a funky grand finale.]

Dancing Chickens: [sing]
Trump! You know our wings will make you happy!
Trump in! You know our wings will fill you up!
Trump! If you want a place with awesome chicken wings, yeah,
Donald Trump's House of Wings!

[Huge cheers and applause as we cut to the House of Wings logo and then see a map of Englewood, New Jersey with the logo -- as well as the logos of Trump's local competitors.]

Announcer V/O: Donald Trump's House of Wings -- off Route 13, right next to Al Sharpton's Casa de Sushi. If you pass Derek Jeter's Taco Hole, you've gone too far.


Submitted Anonymously