Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 17

03q: Janet Jackson

Good Times

Florida.....Kenan Thompson
JJ.....J.B. Smoove
Thelma.....Maya Rudolph
Michael.....Finesse Mitchell
Bookman.....Tracy Morgan
Penny.....Janet Jackson
Willona.....Maya Rudolph
Dick Whiteman.....Chris Parnell

[A shortened version of the "Good Times" intro plays, fades into scene with family in living room ]

Michael: Mama, did you know that Malcolm X said that all of us are black first, and everything else second?

Florida: Michael Evans, you are behind on your chores first, and about to get whooped second.

[knock on door]

Thelma: I got it, ma.

JJ: Careful, Thelma. It might be the dogcatcher. Ha-ha-ha. Dy-No-Myte!

[Thelma answers the door to reveal Bookman]

Thelma: Can I help you, Bookman?

Bookman: I need your rent. Oh, is that cornbread I smell? That sure would go good with this chili.

Thelma: Would it go with the buffalo meat from your buffalo butt?

Florida: Now Thelma, behave. I have the rent money right here.....[reaches to box over the refrigerator, and finds box empty] What! Oh my goodness! What happened to the rent money?

[canned audience groaning]

Thelma: Ma, we know you was worried about money. So JJ had the idea that we should use what we had to buy a bunch of lottery tickets.

Florida: What?!

Thelma: I should have known it was a stupid idea when I heard it coming out of JJ's fat mouth!

[Thelma cries and runs out of room]

JJ: I'm telling you mama, the lottery is our ticket out of the ghet-to, and into the lim-o. [ shows Florida a string of green lottery tickets ] Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Bookman: Yeah? Well you better have that money by 5:00, or you're gonna be evicted. [exits]

Florida: Damn. Damn! Damn!!

Penny: [enters room] Hi, Mrs. Evans.

Florida: Oh hello Penny. How was school?

Penny: Well, we actually didn't have school today. See, they ran out of books and my teacher got stabbed. Hey, Michael got a letter from the scholarship committee. Open it, Michael.

[Michael opens envelope]

Michael: Mama, I got it. A full scholarship to attend the St. Bartholomew's school for boys.

Florida: OH! Hallelujah! That's some good news! [kisses portrait of black Jesus; it falls, but Florida catches it and puts it on top of the refrigerator] I'm sorry, Jesus. I'm so proud of you baby. Mm-mm-mm. [ Spots Penny getting crackers from a box on the kitchen table] Penny, what are you up to over there?

Penny: I was just getting some crackers for my new pet, Mr. Stinky.

[Penny pulls out a giant, obviously fake rat]

Penny: I found him in the bed last night. Do you think that Willona will let me keep him?

Florida: Penny, there are rats in your bed?

[Willona enters]

Willona: I had a rat in my bed last night, but he was 6 foot tall with a moustache.

Michael: Did you have a date last night, Willona?

Willona: I sure did, Grandpa. He's a bus driver for the CTA, and believe me he wanted to “C” some T and A. But I told him this was my stop! [Laughs, then takes off her glasses, revealing a bruised eye, as her voice breaks in sadness] And then he hit me.

Florida: Oh, Willona. [picks up casserole] Damn. Damn! Damn!! [throws it to the ground and picks it up]

[Bookman enters]

Bookman: Where did I leave my- Michael, don't eat my chili.

Michael: Dr. King says we must all share our chilis like brothers.

Bookman: I'm serious, Michael, don't eat it....It's dog food.

Willona: Bookman, you're eating dog food?

Bookman: I spend all my pay on my wife's diabetes medicine. [ seriously ] Now y'all better start.. packing, or y'all gonna be living in the dog house.

Michael: Don't worry momma. Once I graduate from St. Bartholomew's school, I'll run for president, and you can come live with me in the Black House. [gives the “black power” salute]

[applause, knock on door]

Florida: Oh, I'll get it.

Dick Whiteman: Are you Mrs. Evans?

Florida: Well yes, I'm Florida Evans.

Dick Whiteman: I'm Dick Whiteman from the St. Bartholomew's school. We've been looking over Michael's file, and I'm afraid that we're going to withdraw his scholarship.

Florida: [gasp] Why on earth?!

Dick Whiteman: It seems Michael checked out a book from the library about a Malcolm 10. And it's 3 days overdue. We simply can't have people like that at our school.

Florida: W-wait. What if I were to offer you --

Dick Whiteman: I'm sorry. If he were white, I could overlook it. Goodbye.

[Florida rubs picture of black Jesus]

Florida: Oh lord. We need a miracle now.

JJ: Hey momma, our lottery numbers came in. We just won $50,000!

[all cheer]

Florida: Oh, praise the lord. Where's that lottery ticket?

[shows rat in front of small pieces of paper]

Penny: Oh no. Mr. Stinky ate the lottery ticket.

Florida: What-wha...

Penny: Oh please don't get mad at him. He's my only friend.

[rat squeaks, collapses, and “dies”]

Penny: Oh no! [ picks up “dead” rat ]

JJ: Would this-a be a bad time to tell y'all I got sickle cell?

[scene quickly cuts to the "Good Times" card as the reprise of the opening theme plays] [fade out]

Submitted by: Chris Fuentes

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