Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 17




03q: Janet Jackson

Janet Jackson Concert Line

Starkisha.....Finesse Mitchell
Appreciante.....Maya Rudolph
Escalante.....Janet Jackson
White man.....Chris Parnell
White woman.....Amy Poehler
Black man.....Kenan Thompson
Ticket Girl.....Rachel Dratch

Starkisha: ooh girl We gonna see us some Janet Jackson

Appreciante: Starkisha, you know I’m her biggest FAN

Starkisha: girl please, Im her biggest fan cuz I got all her albums on cassette

(crowd pushing around)

Starkishia: Excuse YOU, no you didn’t

White man: I am so sorry, so sorry the croud pushed me into you I promice it was an accident.

White woman: yes, even thought you cut in line, it was an accident

Starkisha: well, did the crowd make you grab my butt like that?

White man: excuse me I did no such thing … honey she is lying!

Starkisha: I knew you could’ t resist because this bootie heree is a white-boys magnent

Appreciante: uh oh, Say your Name

Starkisha: (Singing)
"I say my name is Starkisha My booties soft to touch the girls think I’m janet 'cuz they like to miss me much they miss me mu-u-uch."

Appreciante & Starkisha: (singing)
"I Can miss you much!"
(doing the dance rutine from Miss U Much viedo)

Appreciante & Starkisha: ooh ooh we next we next

Ticket girl: Next please.

Starkisha: 3 tickets to see Janet Jackson please

Ticket girl: Im sorry the upper level seats are SOLD OUT.

Starkisha: What makes you think we want to sit in the upper level seats?

Appreciante: That’s raticial.

Ticket girl: We do have floor seats still avalible. 5th row center

Starkisha: oh no 5th row Appreciante uuuuuuuuh uuuuuuuuuuuh (high fiving)

Appreciante: How much are doze?

Ticket girl: uhh 250 dollars a piece.

Starkisha: come here- (ticket girl comes close to the window Starkishia smacks it) two hundred and fiffy dollars. Girl you must be on crack. Now for two fiffy I better see Janet, Michael, Tito, Reebie, LaToya, Samuel L. Jackson better be on the drums and Rev Jessie Jackson better be shaken a tamboreen. Cuz all I'm gonna give you is an Andrew Jackson. What you got for that?

Escalante: Hey yall, wassup wassup wassup?

Starkisha & Appreciante: Hey Escalante wassup?

Escalante: we at the front of the line already

White man: (raises hands in the air) aruggggg

Starkisha: Escalante now where have you been cuz it don’t take that long to park no car?

Escalante: Awe girl, I know. I saw Travis and he wuz followin me. So I had to drive arroun until I lost him

White woman: gosh. Is Travis an ex-boyfriend that is stalking you or something? I-I had one of those

Escalante: No Travis is the repo man trying to take my ’92 centra, and Stay out my business—O K (pause) We get some tickets yet? We Get some tickets, y'all?

White man: uh, NO They havent

Escalante: Well, Im gettn mine cuz I luz me some Janet! (singing Pleasure Principal) Pleasure principal Uhoooooooo Uhoooooooo HAAAAAAAY

Starkisha: hode up but hode up but hode up but the tickets are two fiffy dollas.

Escalante: You jokin, right, Janet did bumped her head if she think Escolantae’ gonna payn two fiffy. She ain't all that.

Starkisha: SHE AIN'T ALL THAT!

Appreciante: Shore ain't!

Escalante: you know I heard that she was seceretly had a baby and sold it to her brother Jackie.

Both: faareal

Escalante: I also heard she s secretly got married to Jermaine DuPree while she was still secretly married to that Riecko Suave’ man.

Both: oooh faareal

White Woman: oh really? is that true? That is so unbelieveable.

White man: honey don’t

Escalante: and I also heard she took two aher ribs outta her waist just to make it smaller

Starkisha: Now that aint true.

Appreciante: I herd it too

White woman: yes that is true it is true I have heard that also

Escalante: I also heard that she and Michael are the same person

Starkisha: no see that would explane the ticket price (hit window)

White man: what about that super bowl incident? That’s…..

Starkisha: BOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! (right up in the White man's ear)

Escalante: WHO CARES!! I'm so tired of that

White man honey lets go we willjust get our tickest online

White woman: Sweetheart, please! I am hanging with my “PEEPS”

White man: (to the black man) Excuse me sir can you help us out?

Black man: Look no man, I don’t know them.

White man: well um could you please…..

Black man: Look, no I am just as afraid of people like that as you are.

White man: allright ok fine. Fine. Fine.

Escalante: I'm leavin she aint all that Janet aint all that She is Trippin

Starkisha: SHE IS TRIPPEN!!

Appreciante: TRRRIIIPPPEN!

Passerby: I’ve got one ticket back row 20 bucks

Starkisha, Escalante, Appreciante: ooh give me that ticket (all running after the man yelling)


Submitted by: Terry G. Mitchell


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