Saturday Night Live Transcripts
|
Season 29: Episode 18
|
|
|
 Air Date:
Host:
Musical Guest:
Special Guests:
Cameos:
|
May 1st, 2004
Lindsay Lohan
Usher
None
Ludacris
|
|
9/11 Briefing
|
Summary: Vice-President Dick Cheney (Darrell Hammond) briefs President George W. Bush (Will Forte) on the 9/11 hearings.
Recurring Characters: George W. Bush, Dick Cheney.
Transcript
|
|
Lindsay Lohan's Monologue
|
Summary: Lindsay Lohan apologizes to Hillary Duff (Rachel Dratch), who apologizes to Avril Lavigne (Amy Poehler), who apologizes to Whitney Houston (Maya Rudolph), who doesn't apologize to Chris Parnell.
Recurring Characters: Avril Lavigne, Whitney Houston.
Bio: Teen actress Lindsay Lohan (1986-) stars in the film "Mean Girls", written by Tina Fey.
Also Hosted: 04t, 05p.
Transcript
|
|
Turlington's Lower Back Tattoo Remover
|
Summary: Dr. Edward Turlington's (Chris Parnell) lotion erases Mom's (Amy Poehler) youthful attempts at coolness.
Transcript
|
|
Jarret's Room
|
Summary: Forced to move out of their dorm room, Jarret (Jimmy Fallon) and Goby (Horatio Sanz) welcome the new student (Lindsay Lohan) who's moving in.
Recurring Characters: Jarret, Goby, DJ Jonathan Feinstein.
Transcript
|
|
Hogwart's Academy
|
Summary: Hermione's (Lindsay Lohan) summer growth spurt rages pre-wizard hormones among her classmates.
Recurring Characters: Harry Potter.
Transcript
|
|
Billy Joel
|
Summary: Drunken Billy Joel (Horatio Sanz) drives teenage girls (Lindsay Lohan, Amy Poehler, Tina Fey, Rachel Dratch) to Russell Simmons' party.
Note: Of the objects thrown at the windshield to make it look like Billy Joel is driving into them, a mailbox lands firmly on the hood and remains in place until Horatio Sanz reaches out of the window to knock it off with a wine bottle.
Transcript
|
|
Usher, with Ludacris, performs "Yeah"
|
|
Bio: Usher (1978-) began his singing career in the church choir in Atlanta, Georgia prior to becoming a popular R&B performer and actor.
|
|
Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey
|
Summary: G.E.D. candidate Jorge Rodriguez (Horatio Sanz) tells his personal story of triumph.
Recurring Characters: Jorge Rodriguez.
Transcript
|
|
Debbie Downer
|
Summary: Debbie Downer (Rachel Dratch) cracks up while focusing on the bad side of life.
Recurring Characters: Debbie Downer.
Transcript
|
|
Club Traxx
|
Summary: Pretend lesbian group D.A.D.I. (Lindsay Lohan, Rachel Dratch) performs in the studio.
Recurring Characters: Beertje van Beers, Leonard.
Transcript
|
|
The Sleepover
|
Summary: Kaitlin (Amy Poehler) invites the most popular girl (Lindsay Lohan) at school over for a sleepover.
Recurring Characters: Kaitlin, Rick.
Note: This sketch was cut from the previous episode hosted by Janet Jackson.
Transcript
|
|
17th Annual Adult Movie Awards
|
Summary: Due to the sensitive nature of the broadcast, the awards show is cut short.
Note: This sketch was cut from the dress rehearsals of the episodes hosted by Colin Firth and Ben Affleck.
Transcript
|
Dress Rehearsal Cuts
|
Cheerleaders
|
|
Summary: The head cheerleader (Amy Poehler) gets stuck in the clouds after a powerful boost.
|
|
The Bathtub
|
|
Summary: A conversation between family members takes place exclusively in the bathtub.
|
|
"The Adventures Of Harold"
|
Summary: T. Sean Shannon film follows the adventures of a 12-year old bald boy at school.
Note: This film appears on the season finale episode hosted by Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen.
|
|
Spy Glass
|
Summary: Teen correspondent (Lindsay Lohan) gabs celebrity gossip with Ian Gerrard (Seth Meyers) and Zoe Anderton (Amy Poehler).
Recurring Characters: Ian Gerrard, Zoe Anderton, Gene Shalit.
|
SNL Transcripts
|
|
|
|
|